Friday, September 30, 2005

Dating Advice Question:


Carlos,
I have been reading your stuff and experimenting with it. So one fine morning I was taking a walk and met a girl. We talked for a while and she OFFERED her phone number and email address and suggested that we can go for a walk next day too. I called her that evening and we fixed a meeting place and my next meeting was also fine.

After that we were in touch. I guess she called me once and even replied to my mail.
But now suddenly she has stopped responding. I leave a voice message or email once in like 10-15 days so that I don't show that I am too needy and I am also playing
with her. Ofcourse I can move on to other women and I am talking to other women. But this has happened many times with me.

Like I met a girl during my rafting trip and she was flirting with me and finally when we were done...she OFFERED me her email address. But again she didn't respond to my email. (By the way ...it was not like I mailed her within half an hr I reached home. I mailed her after 2-3 days.) I can understand that its a game for them and they are having fun for that. But what do you suggest, I should do? Should I continue what I am doing? Like mailing her once in....say 15 days or so. I am looking forward to your opinion.

- SB
---------
CARLOS:


The problem here isn't the calls, it's the action in between them.

Guys are relying too much on the phone to "stay in touch" with women.

News flash - you can't touch a woman on the phone. You can only touch yourself. And we ain't going there in this letter.

Once in 15 days is way too infrequent. That's almost disinterest. You're going too far with the "pretend" non-neediness. You can call her every day, if you have the right attitude.

I suggest you run the numbers so much that you DON'T CARE about the ones that don't answer. I hear you SAYING that you are going after other women, but I don't think that's the case... at least not as much as it needs to be.

Go out and get 30 (THIRTY!) phone numbers in the next month. (Not hard to do, if you've got your head on straight.) Then, start your calling regimen in there just like an exercise regimen.

The first woman you actually GET from this kind of effort and focused concentration will make you suddenly forget all about those other women who didn't respond.

It IS a game to many girls. Most are flakes. Get over it. It has NOTHING to do with you.

You're thinking too much from the "what do I do to get this one" mentality, and not enough of the "NEXT!" mentality.

I'm also suspecting that you didn't move far enough during the previous meetings. Just because you make it through one or two meetings with a girl does not mean you're home free. You have to keep escalating the right kinds of sexual tension.

I have absolutely ZERO room for women pulling this crap with me. If they play these games of hard-to-get, I call them on it, and if they don't correct their behavior, they're terminated.

Harsh?

Maybe. But my self-dignity is worth so much more.

I suggest you stop "experimenting" with my stuff and get COMMITTED to it. Commitment is what you need to achieve a better Alpha Attitude.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, September 29, 2005

When a woman disrespects you:


How do we handle the following situation? You set a date with a chic, and
when you get there, another guy is sitting talking to her and she asks you,
"Would you mind terribly if we rescheduled?" Seems disrespectful to me! Is
this a test? Thanks!

------
CARLOS:

When I read this, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

That was, without a doubt, the most disrespectful thing a woman could do.

And it must be dealt with as firmly as possible. If only to make sure that your self-respect is not damaged in the process. You have to send a clear message to your nervous system that this kind of treatment will NEVER be accepted. (It's actually less important that SHE gets this message, by the way.)

Here's how I would have handled the situation, and see if it makes sense:

1) Nod to the guy that's with her and read his eyes. Is he a chump? Is he scamming on my woman? Maybe. No more than I might do to his woman in the future, so he's just being a guy. But he needs to know who's boss. He could have been a dishwasher on his break, but you need to understand what's going on.

2) Look her in the eyes and say, "Why?" Make her explain as to her reasoning. You need to know exactly what thinking was going through her head that she would ask that. Don't say a word for a full minute, if that's what it takes to get a full response out of her. Take another full minute to contemplate what she says after she's done, if you need to. Is she trying to test you? Play games?

3) I shook my magic 8-ball, and came up with this: "Unless she's just been notified of a death in the family, and that guy is the one breaking the news, she's full of chunky, toxic-waste, semi-digested SHIT. And she needs to be called on it. You mean to tell me she actually went to the place where you were supposed to meet, and now something has "come up?" Yeah right.

Here's what I'd say:

"Yes, absolutely I mind. We made a date tonight, and I expect you to stand by your word. Everything you've said to me so far has been an insult to my intelligence. Do you treat all the guys in your life this way?"


I'd say it with a CALM sense of power. I wouldn't raise my voice. My eyes would stay relaxed, no need to glare.

In short, she deserves to feel like the disrespectful bitch that she is.

Don't get angry. Don't let your emotions take over. Just make sure you "manage" her and her selfish little take on life.

Walk away with your head held high, and your self-respect even higher.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Why Women Play Hard to Get:


I understand the whole hot and cold thing a girl plays with you, but this
one girl I know will only do the hot thing when I am with another girl. If
she sees me with someone she acts out of character and more aggressive, but
if she sees me with no one she acts differently.

How do you explain that and how should I be?

----------
CARLOS:

How do I explain that?

Simple.

Answer: She's a girl. It's in her nature.

Some women desperately need to be the center of attention, and they will only want you based on your perceived social value. There's a connection between your popularity and her desire to be in your circle.

You ask, how should you be...?

Be yourself, and tease the hell out of her.

She's addicted to social popularity, and she needs to be "in" to feel good about herself. She's probably an attention-whore and stimulus-junkie.

But she could also be crazy, too.

Why don't you go after what YOU want and stop paying attention to HER behavior so much? You're getting too much inside her head.

Alpha Males ACT, not RE-act.

If she's only into you when it's not JUST you around, there's a really big indicator of just how frustrating it would be to hang with this girl any period of time. She'd be aloof and distant every time you were alone with her. No connection. No intimacy.

Make sense?

Lose her fast...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

DATING ADVICE QUESTION:


i recently purchased your audio program Secrets of the Alpha Man. you have no idea how much it has really helped me in so many ways....

There is a girl I have been talking to at work and I have really been cranking
up the attraction. she came in to see me one day at work and we talked for a
while. towards the end I said well, I guess I better straighten my department
cya later. you know to show im not needy and stuff. and she ate it up. but,
then she wanted a hug and I said nope sorry, like that. and she said ok you
really hurt my feelings and walked away and went into the office.

then she came back out and said why are you so mean to me ? so, I said you want me to
be nice ? is that what you want? and she said no, I want you to be honest. and
she was acting like I was honestly being mean to her. and she said do I get a
hug now? and I said ahhh maybe saturday (that's when we work next).

She did seem kinda frustrated in a good way. but now I'm starting to wonder if any of
that is a good idea.

I'm just sooooo sick of being a nice guy. but at the same time I don't want to
be mean. I mean is there anyway that, that situation could kill the
attraction? I mean by like denying women hugs ? I mean I want her to want the
hug and im not just going to give it out like a nice guy.

But on the flip side I have been worrying about it and thus causing me to
think of her which is BAD. I dont' want to kill the attraction.

So are denying women hugs a good idea or not? I know she is seeking my
approval and she sorta put herself out on the line by saying give me a hug and
I shut her down kinda.

and when women seek approval when is the best time to give it to them? she
asks my opinion on her clothes, etc... should I give her my opinion or be
evasive w/ the questions?

Thanks, I know this was long and I hope you have the time to answer this.
Nevertheless, your program is awesome! the best!

Thanks again! A.

----------
CARLOS:

First off, recognize that she is trying to manipulate you. She's testing you in every way to see if you'll give in and do what she wants.

And when you do...

She'll totally lose interest in you.

That's the way it works, unfortunately.

You're on the right path. Denying her hugs is a great way to drive up the sexual tension between you and her.

STOP doubting yourself. AFCs everywhere doubt themselves.

ALPHA Males know how to hold their own and believe in what WORKS with women.

Drop the worrying, too. Worrying is THE MOST USELESS expenditure of your precious mental energy.

Consider that 90% of the things you worry about don't happen, and 90% of the things that happen to you, you never worried about. Worrying is FUTILE.

Instead of just denying her the hugs, make it a slight pull away:

"A hug? You must be so starved for attention. Here you go..." Then you reach an arm around her and give her a "guy" hug. It lasts about .003 seconds, and you lean forward so your bodies don't touch below the shoulders.

"Feel better?" you ask her.

Or when she wants a hug, ask her: "What do I get in return?"

Make it clear that your reality is VALUABLE, and she doesn't get in for free.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Monday, September 26, 2005

DATING ADVICE FOR MEN QUESTION:


From your excellent materials that I have read there is no question in my mind that what you say is absolutely SPOT ON. I have a degree in psychology and can confirm the validity of your superb scholarship. I have never been a wuss with women.

If anything, I'm rather emotionally detached from women. I don't mean unfriendly. I know how to flirt, and seem to attract the attention of very young women, usually between 20 - 25. (I'm 44). No matter how beautiful a woman is I will never give my power away, compliment her or kiss ass. The trouble is I can't tell whether they fancy me or not, and do not fully understand the underlying mechanics of how to make a woman be attracted to me.

Personally, I still think women are unconsciously attracted to dominant powerful men. Good looks definitely helps as does height.

Meanwhile I have passed your newsletters to dozens of guys I know, as I believe that contemporary Western society conditions most men to be complete wimps and wussies with women. You know the completely spineless "nice guy" syndrome, where most guys kiss up to women in order to try and make women become attracted to them.

As an example that you can incorporate into your fabulous newsletter here is a real life situation from me:

I was seeing this stunning 21 year old woman. But on our last date she completely flaked me out. So, in my usual Mediterranean way, I told her that I don't tolerate disrespect from women when it comes to dates. Breaking a date, is, in my opinion one of the worst crimes a woman can inflict on a guy.

Most guys would have wimped out and said: "Oh that's okay, maybe we can re-arrange another time." For standing my ground she replied that she doesn't want to see me any more. My response, who cares. Just move on.

I wonder if you can help/advise me?

Many women have said I am attractive and good-looking. I am 6 feet 2 inches tall, weigh about 250 ib, work out regularly, and am built like an American football quarterback. The trouble is that whenever I meet a woman that I classify as gorgeous, my gut instinct tells me that they only want to be friends.

I'm not a wuss in any sense of the word. In fact I have a dominant, confident and assertive personality, both with women and guys. No guy walks all over me, not even these Alpha males you talk about. What do you think I'm doing wrong?

I once heard one very attractive woman say to some other women:

"You can only go so far with him."

Unfortunately, I didn't ask her to elaborate. Any ideas on how I can attract hot women and make them feel attracted to me?
---------
CARLOS:


I would have been curious as to what she meant, but I suspect that you're broadcasting something with your attitude or body language that they find either intimidating or off-putting.

Something else that you might want to think about is that other guys are probably not going to try to out-alpha a 6' 2", 250 pound quarterback. Physical appearance does affect how we handle people in social situations. A lot of guys are probably intimidated.

I suspect that you're coming across as TOO Alpha. Yes, it can happen.

What I mean by this is that you're giving off an aura that's too much for most women. Your physical appearance demands that you take a slightly different approach than the average guy.

You must be more VULNERABLE with women.

The bigger and more physically intimidating a guy is, the more a woman wants to see the "teddy bear" in him. THAT is what ultimately attracts her to him.

So when you interact with women, you need to understand that they're already assuming that you're a grunting, beer-swilling, aggro guy, but what they want to discover is that you've got a soft spot (or two) somewhere.

My friends usually reveal something about themselves in conversation that acts as a hook. They mention something about how they like to write poetry in their spare time, or they play with their cat, or they like to catch "The View" every so often.

This kind of unexpected side interest serves to give you more dimensions as an Alpha Male. Not just a big lunk, which is what a lot of women assume.

Make sense?

Just keep up the Alpha attitude of taking-no-crap, but balance it with a softer approach on the surface. Demonstrate an intellectual side of your personality that they would not expect.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Dating Advice for Men Newsletter - Advice for the Alpha Man

The Truth about Dating and Seduction ... for the Intelligent Guy

Just a note that Session 23 of the Advanced Audio Coaching is going
to be GONE after this week. This is your last chance to get it
before Session 25 is released.

Get it HERE

-----------------------

REALLY TOUGH QUESTION:


Carlos,
At the first meeting I cracked some jokes, she laughs and says am
funny.

WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?

----------------------

CARLOS:

Uhhh....

She thinks you're funny.

?

I don't mean to be flippant, but don't try to pull too much meaning
out of nothing. Too much "reading into" a woman's words is a bad
path to follow.

And if you're ever unsure, why not just ASK?

----------------
ALPHA MAN QUESTION-

Playing hard to get:

First let me thank you for saving me from my self. You have a lot
of straight advice and clear understanding, I'm grateful for both.
I'm now on the path to be a more confident and more aware Alpha
Man. I've already notice a difference to how women respond to me.
I've only started, but the future looks good.

I'm still in college, and I've ran into a snag and I wanted your
input. I'm getting really positive signals from one individual. I
was being smart, cocky, and funny; and before I knew it she asked
me for my number.

I have class with this girl once a week, (Economics) and I'm
getting really good signals, strong eye contact, good flirty
conversations, and a disappointed tone when I end a call early.

The problem is when I try to set something up out side of class,
she's hard to reach. She's out of town when I'm available, she has
plans with her friends and that she will call me back but doesn't.
(I didn't call back after that; I'll see her again in a few days)
She seems a little shy to be a female player, and I'm getting the
sense that she's playing hard to get.

My question is am I reading this wrong? Are these female games? If
she is interested then how do I pass these obstacles?

--------

CARLOS:

She's probably playing hard to get, but the worst offense is that
you're playing this game with her.

Women do this crap all the time. They flash you a winning smile,
and then you're smitten. You're falling all over yourself to get
with her, but somehow you just can't make it happen.

They dangle this carrot in front of you ALL the time, but nothing
happens, and you're left with the impression that there's something
to be salvaged here.

There's NOTHING here. Things didn't move forward when they should
have, and now she's just turning into another flake.

This is the simplest way I can say this, and I don't mean to sound
nasty when I reveal this earth-shattering truth to you, but ...

If a woman is into you, she'll MAKE TIME FOR YOU.

It WILL happen.

If she's not into you, it won't. And there's no amount of
fantasizing about what MIGHT happen or could happen that will get
this to change.

Drop her like a bag full of Dalmation poop and get on the path to
finding the next one... the REAL one.

Remember, YOU are the one accepting this treatment. And I do need
to remind you that we teach people how we want to be treated. We
teach them by how we behave when they test us like this.

You have no time for a woman who plays these stupid and infantile
hard-to-get games, and she needs to FEEL that. Ya dig?

Go find five other girls who want what you've got and are willing
to set aside a few minutes to enjoy your wonderful world and what
you've got to offer.

And then this gal can come running back all depressed because she
missed out.

Then maybe she'll start to learn not to take things for granted -
right now instead of ten years down the road.

Short story, dude - you don't have the time to waste on her. Get
busy with the rest of campus. They're waiting!

____________

COCKY and FUNNY - TEASING QUESTION:

hey carlos whats up man, I have a couple of things that I do not
get with girls....first off I understand the whole tease to please,
cocky funny attitude, and once I get into it, it works great and
everything, however when I talk to a girl is it ok if I just have
normal conversation with her, and add in a little cocky and funny
here and there??
also will a girl STILL be interested if I do not use cocky and
funny but my body language is good, as well as my confidence, and
is it good enough to keep things going? (just curious..).

another question I have is do guys NEED to take women on dates? is
it a rule of thumb that if you go out with a girl you must take her
out, and if you dont take her out, but still have the right
attitude and use all the things you teach, will she stay with you??

- H in NY

---------------

CARLOS:

Actually, you hit something on the mark there.

Most guys over-use and abuse the whole "cocky and funny" concept.
They succeed in getting a little interest started, but they don't
know how much of it to use, or for how long, or when to bring it
back into the conversation, or why good-looking guys have to watch
out for using it at all.

The short answer to your questions is "yes."

You should try and have REAL conversations whenever possible. Avoid
this need to have to put on a performance to keep her interested.

A "real" conversation, by the way, is simply one that doesn't bore
the sh*t out of her. (Which, for some guys, can be quite a chore.)

Just talk to her like a normal person, but keep it "spiced" up with
occasional negging and teasing. Your goal is create a level of
sexual tension between you that she will home in on like a moth to
a flame.

As long as you can keep moving forward and eventually build some
comfort, you'll do fine.

As far as "dating" goes, it is never recommended that you take her
out to dinner on the first meeting. In fact, that's WAY overkill.

If you need to "bribe" a woman to be with you by buying her a meal,
that's not the right way to start off your relationship. Whether
she understands it or not, she'll react much more to having FUN
than by having to handle a 3-4 hour high-pressure "date" situation.

Just focus on the EXPERIENCE she has, and she'll be into it. There
is plenty of time for the mating behavior after you've got her
interest.

For more on the proper attitude, I suggest you check into my Alpha
Seduction program. It's got the concentrated details...

Once you get the right mind-set, the dating world suddenly seems
like a
different place to you.

If you'd like to know what you're really made of, I want you to
consider this:

The Alpha Man also knows that self-development is the path to a
better life. It all starts with getting educated.

Education leads to understanding. Understanding leads to better
choices. Better choices lead to better results.

And results are ALL that matters when it comes to the game of women.

I can show you the way to better results with women,
and it's all in my e-books and audio.

The Dating Black Book is for the guy who wants the whole dating
scene explained, and all the inner-workings of social dynamics as
well as dating dynamics.

Get it HERE: The Dating Black Book


And in case you haven't heard about it by now, my latest program is
now shipping...

If you ever wanted to know how to overcome your fears with women so
that you could walk up and talk to ANY woman, this is something
you've been looking for.

Follow this link for more information on my new project that will
blow you away:

How to Approach Women...


I'll be back with more advice soon ...

- Carlos



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alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

HOW TO ASK A GIRL OUT:


Ok, so I have clearly decided that the next time I see this girl I am going to try to progress by asking her out. Now my problem is I dont know how to do that. You see, I dont want to come across as a wussy who sounds needy, and my situation is that I have known this girl at my job for about 3 months and have continually busted her balls like crazy and have been dominant and assertive around her.

I have been playing out different scenarios in my head but they all seem to have the wrong state of mind and come across as needy. How can I ask this girl out in a way that communicates that I am a dominant, secure, Alpha Man who goes after what he wants?!?

Is there a state of mind I can get myself into at that particular situation that helps me come across as a confident Alpha Man? Please answer Carlos, I would really appreciate your help. Thanks man.

P. S - I still havent gotten her number yet, do you think that I should get her number first Carlos?

------------
CARLOS:

Don’t get too into thinking this one through. Just act.

Say, “Hey, you know what, we need to get together and have some fun. I’m going to (name a local bar or pub or coffee house) at 7:00 on Friday. What time can you get there?”

If she says anything about not being able to make that time, sit in silence with a look of disdain. Then say, “Oh, boy. She’s flakey. I’ll let you redeem yourself with your counter offer. You’re not going to let me slip through your fingers this easily, are you?”

If she puts up any resistance or doesn’t make a good counter-offer, shrug and say, “Too bad” as if it’s too bad for HER – because it IS.

Then blow her off. She’s a flake. If she’s smart, she’ll follow through. If not, she'll help take herself out of the race.

Just believe in your heard with no exceptions that YOU are going to be the PRIZE for her. Don't stress your brain too much on this. I think you should just act and leave the worrying for someone else. Too much thinking just makes it worse.

And I don’t know about your work situation, but I’d try to do this “off the clock” if you know what I mean.

And, no, you don't need her number until she says "yes." Then you need it as "flake insurance." And tell her that's what you're getting it for.

Good work so far, by the way. Use this attitude on ALL the ladies.

Alpha all the way...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Is it That Complicated?


Carlos,

At the first meeting I cracked some jokes,
she laughs and says am funny. WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?
------

CARLOS:

She thinks you're funny.

I don't mean to be flippant, but don't try to pull too much meaning out of nothing. Too much "reading into" a woman's words is a bad path to follow.

And if you're ever unsure, why not just ASK?


alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Game is On



When I spoke at Neil Strauss's book signing event here in San Francisco, little did I know how much brotherhood we had in the "community." That word kept coming up over and over that night, and it really is a community of men trying to do something good for guys overall - AND for women, too. Ignore all the acronyms (LMR, AMOG, DDB, HB, etc.); it's all about giving women what they want, so you can have a little of what you want in return.

"The Game" is an awesome read, compelling from cover to cover. As a "guru" (I've never taken to that title - I prefer "Advisor") in the community, I found myself nodding my head an awful lot, laughing out loud at some of the surreal anecdotes (the one with Courtney Love greeting the Tourette's Syndrome kid comes to mind immediately), and shaking my head at their foibles and misadventures. It was all familiar ground, but Neil captured the essence of the subculture without missing a beat.

Sure, it was obviously dramatized in many sections, but I he makes the ride so much fun you won't care. From the far flung reaches of lawless eastern Europe to the former lair of Dean Martin, you're coming along for a strange journey of women, mental breakdowns, and guys with names that could have been ripped from teenage comic books - Sickboy, Papa, Herbal ...

Some women may read this book with a bit of disgust, but the reality is that the tactics described in the book really do work - and they work WELL. We're all slaves to our primal attraction mechanisms whether we want to admit it or not. At the very least, you're going to learn a little of what we teach men to use to create attraction in the opposite sex. (The truth is that much of this stuff works both ways. Women have been using these techniques more subtly since time began.)

But the ultimate conclusion we all reach at some point is that it's not the "Game" you play, or how you bend the rules to validate yourself. The ultimate statement of our masculinity isn't even about women at all. It's about the respect and confidence you have in yourself, and the goals you're pursuing in life.

And, as I tell my students, if you're headed somewhere in life, women will want to come along for the ride.

- Carlos Xuma
http://www.datingdynamics.com

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

COCKY and FUNNY - TEASING QUESTION:


hey carlos whats up man, I have a couple of things that I do not get with girls....first off I understand the whole tease to please, cocky funny attitude, and once I get into it, it works great and everything, however when I talk to a girl is it ok if I just have normal conversation with her, and add in a little cocky and funny here and there??

also will a girl STILL be interested if I do not use cocky and funny but my body language is good, as well as my confidence, and is it good enough to keep things going? (just curious..).

another question I have is do guys NEED to take women on dates? is it a rule of thumb that if you go out with a girl you must take her out, and if you dont take her out, but still have the right attitude and use all the things you teach, will she stay with you??

- H in NY
------

CARLOS:

Actually, you hit something on the mark there.

Most guys over-use and abuse the whole "cocky and funny" concept. They succeed in getting a little interest started, but they don't know how much of it to use, or for how long, or when to bring it back into the conversation, or why good-looking guys have to watch out for using it at all.

The short answer to your questions is "yes."

You should try and have REAL conversations whenever possible. Avoid this need to have to put on a performance to keep her interested.

A "real" conversation, by the way, is simply one that doesn't bore the shit out of her. (Which, for some guys, can be quite a chore.)

Just talk to her like a normal person, but keep it "spiced" up with occasional negging and teasing. Your goal is create a level of sexual tension between you that she will home in on like a moth to a flame.

As long as you can keep moving forward and eventually build some comfort, you'll do fine.

As far as "dating" goes, it is never recommended that you take her out to dinner on the first meeting. In fact, that's WAY overkill.

If you need to "bribe" a woman to be with you by buying her a meal, that's not the right way to start off your relationship. Whether she understands it or not, she'll react much more to having FUN than by having to handle a 3-4 hour high-pressure "date" situation.

Just focus on the EXPERIENCE she has, and she'll be into it. There is plenty of time for the mating behavior after you've got her interest.

For more on the proper attitude, I suggest you check into my Alpha Seduction program. It's got the concentrated details...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Ex-girlfriend Question:


Do you ever stay friends or keep in touch with your ex-girlfriends/lovers?

CARLOS:

Absolutely!

I don't like to burn any of the emotional connections I've had with women, and it's very disappointing when I can't stay in contact with them.

However, I've long since discovered that there are always those women who are not capable of handling the emotional fallout. I had a previous ex that wouldn't talk to me for over 2 years, and I had not done anything horrible, either. She was just so disappointed by the breakup.

In fact there are a lot of women who are wired this way. I don't know if it's a survival mechanism or something, but very often when a woman is rejected, she cuts off all possible contact with that person. (Unlike men who start to pursue them even more feverishly.)

I consider it a high statement of someone's emotional maturity when they're able to keep in contact with someone that they realize they are not going to have an emotional connection with the same way anymore.

Most often, a woman will not want to maintain a "friendship" after things have ended. There's just too much negative emotion there for her to get past it.

The best thing for a guy to recognize is that this is normal behavior for women, and that they shouldn't feel guilt syndrome over this. It's not your fault! This doesn't mean you're a jerk or a bad guy, or that you have to atone for your sins. Just move on and let her go. (Whether you broke up with her, or vice-versa.)

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

ALPHA MAN QUESTION- Playing hard to get:


First let me thank you for saving me from my self. You have a lot of straight advice and clear understanding, I'm grateful for both. I'm now on the path to be a more confident and more aware Alpha Man. I've already notice a difference to how women respond to me. I've only started, but the future looks good.

I'm still in college, and I've ran into a snag and I wanted your input. I'm getting really positive signals from one individual. I was being smart, cocky, and funny; and before I knew it she asked me for my number.

I have class with this girl once a week, (Economics) and I'm getting really good signals, strong eye contact, good flirty conversations, and a disappointed tone when I end a call early.

The problem is when I try to set something up out side of class, she's hard to reach. She's out of town when I'm available, she has plans with her friends and that she will call me back but doesn't. (I didn't call back after that; I'll see her again in a few days) She seems a little shy to be a female player, and I'm getting the sense that she's playing hard to get.

My question is am I reading this wrong? Are these female games? If she is interested then how do I pass these obstacles?

--------
She's probably playing hard to get, but the worst offense is that you're playing this game with her.

Women do this crap all the time. They flash you a winning smile, and then you're smitten. You're falling all over yourself to get with her, but somehow you just can't make it happen.

They dangle this carrot in front of you ALL the time, but nothing happens, and you're left with the impression that there's something to be salvaged here.

There's NOTHING here. Things didn't move forward when they should have, and now she's just turning into another flake.

This is the simplest way I can say this, and I don't mean to sound nasty when I reveal this earth-shattering truth to you, but ...

If a woman is into you, she'll MAKE TIME FOR YOU.

It will happen.

If she's not into you, it won't. And there's no amount of fantasizing about what might happen or could happen that will get this to change.

Drop her like a bag full of Dalmation poop and get on the path to finding the next one... the REAL one.

Remember, YOU are the one accepting this treatment. And I do need to remind you that we teach people how we want to be treated. We teach them by how we behave when they test us like this.

You have no time for a woman who plays these stupid and infantile hard-to-get games, and she needs to FEEL that. Ya dig?

Go find five other girls who want what you've got and are willing to set aside a few minutes to enjoy your wonderful world and what you've got to offer.

And then this gal can come running back all depressed because she missed out.

Then maybe she'll start to learn not to take things for granted - right now instead of ten years down the road.

Short story, dude - you don't have the time to waste on her. Get busy with the rest of campus. They're waiting!

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

DONATION MADE


Okay, guys, I made a donation on behalf of DD Publications and all of you this morning. I'll post the receipt below.

Now, hopefully the new bitch in town, Rita, leaves them alone...

------
Habitat for Humanity thanks you for sharing your heart! Your donation will directly support our mission to build simple, decent shelter for families that are currently living without it. You ve also helped to build a sense of brotherhood and faith within families and communities in the United States and around the world. Thank you again for your contribution and we hope that you will encourage others to join in the Habitat mission!

DONATION DESIGNATED TO: Hurricane Katrina Building Fund

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

HOW TO HANDLE JEALOUSY:



First of all let me say that I love your audio programs. I have the whole of year 1 of your audio coaching series and subscribe to your monthly programs, as well as the podcasts.

The good news is that, after a couple of months of reading the Dating Black Book and listening to your programs, I have been dating a girl for around 3 months now after almost a year of nothing! I tried online dating on your suggestion and met a great girl, which I fully didn't expect from online dating!

There is only one thing that is kinda getting to me just now, and its something I'd love your opinion on...

Basically, this girl is 25 and has just started a new university course (you already know whats coming right!?). I always ask her how its giong and she tells me all about it. As part of her course, she is put in a small group of fellow students to complete tasks and such.

Anyway, she used to always talk about this guy that was so irritating...really annoying and pompous, and how she was so unlucky to have this guy in her little group. But, lately, she has been going on about how surprised she is that he has turned out to be "a really cool and funny guy". They text each other a lot and meet (of course with other people from the group) for lunches and drinks and things, but the topic of conversation always seems to end up focussing on this guy.

Of course she is openly telling me all of this so maybe I'm being paranoid. But the reason that its worrying me is that I know that women like to be frustrated when with guys as it increases their interest etc etc, and I'm always hearing that this guy is really pompous etc etc but he is also a really cool guy?

Should I be worried? I've totally played it cool up until now and made absolutely nothing of it, but I cant help feeling a liitle worried, especially as its something out of my control (I can't be there to see how things are going).

Should I just keep letting it go or should I try to find out more about the guy? There is absolutely nothing else to suggest that she may be losing interest in me, on the contrary... She always does little things to let me know that she is thinking of me.

Your opinion would be greatly appreciated!

P
-------
CARLOS:


First off, great job on using the material! Yes, it really does work, doesn't it?

Now, hmmm....

I wondered how best to put this to you.

Let's say it like this:

There is NEVER a reason to be worried.

EVER.

Because there are more like her where she came from, and more like her after she's gone. So don't EVER feel "worried."

Being worried implies that you fear loss.

Fearing loss means that you will act from a place that is not based in your own self-esteem, but where she might "leave you..." and you can only sit around writing bad Country songs all day about your broken heart.

You should, however, be very concerned. Her mentioning this guy this much means there are definite feelings of attraction toward him. Women don't mention guys they are not interested in in some way. It just don't work like that, dude.

Now, what is your reaction to that?

Did you just gasp?

Feel a little tug of panic in your gut?

Or did you think, Huh. How about that. Time to get busy.


You see, the best way to make sure she's yours is to ensure that she is STILL CHASING YOU.
A woman will not actively pursue more than one man in her life. The same is applicable to men. We can only have one Primary focus of attention to aim our hopes and affections at.

Which means that you can keep her if you do the following...


1) First, keep challenging her on a daily basis. Keep busting her balls, teasing her, and driving up her sexual tension for you. Keep doing the occasional romantic event. Keep doing what you did to get her. Don't get lazy.

You better get ready for this next one, because it will be the toughest advice you ever follow:

2) Push her towards HIM.

That's right. You heard me.

Push her to him.

"Yeah, maybe you should consider dating this guy. He sounds like a good match for you." Say this seriously. Yawn, return to reading Maxim looking TOTALLY unconcerned.

And you say that so emotionlessly that she will KNOW it is not coming from jealousy.

Only a man who is ROCK solid secure in his own confidence can do this, and she'll know it.

There are only two outcomes after this push:

OPTION 1) She'll go for him. Unlikely. If she does, good riddance, she was never into you to begin with. She's probably an attention-hound that just chases the next shiny thing she sees. If she can't appreciate you, she's better off GONE.

OPTION 2) She'll be more attracted to YOU. Which she will if she fears losing you.

Only by showing that you can walk away at any time can you really demonstrate the mature independent sense of confidence that an ALPHA man possesses.

Be warned! If you try this and come across as whiney and sulking and pouting like a bratty boy when you say something like: "Yeah, I think you should start seeing this guy. He's your type..."

She'll see right through it, and it will backfire because you'll seem clingy and needy and jealous. You'll be driving her to him.

Jealous = BAD.

This guy's "arrogant" attitude is the right mix to attract women. She may just be playing out a little fantasy with her thoughts and her attraction, but let's be clear about this - There ARE thoughts for him floating through her head. She's picking up on his Alpha vibe.

Stay un-jealous. DO NOT take any direct action about this guy, like forbidding her to message him or checking her phone for messages, because acting from anything but a sincere feeling of confidence would kill her attraction for you and drive her towards him.

And if it comes down to it, and she continues to show these indications of interest in him and less in you, you're going to have to be the first one to say: "You know, I think we should start seeing other people. I feel like we may be tying each other down." Don't make it about the new guy, but make it clear that if she's going to entertain thoughts of other men, you're going to go get busy on your own.

There's a saying: "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone..." And you may have to teach her very soon what that is.

This is the ULTIMATE statement of your confidence to her. And if the time comes, you better mean it, too. You must be the one to strike first if you're going to salvage your self-esteem and self-respect. Don't wait around for her to crash your new lifestyle and attitude by turning you into a bitter cautionary tale, okay?

Here's another idea: Get her to invite him to drinks with you two. Watch her reaction. See what she says and does. You should meet him somehow. I totally dig on these situations because I can fully demonstrate how dominant my reality is compared to these losers. Be the cooler Alpha Man and you'll have no problem showing her who she should be chasing.


PS: The reason she's doing those "little things" for you could also be out of GUILT for her new feelings of attraction for this guy. She doesn't want to leave, but if she's given a reason...

Sorry, dude, it's probably not what you want to hear, but if you start watching the situation and steering it now, you can salvage this thing.


alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Sunday, September 18, 2005

HOW TO LISTEN TO WOMEN:


Hi Carlos,

I'm just wondering what does a woman means when she said: 'You don't understand me...' after a conflict. Is it a test? Is it something that we can ignore? Or do we deflect the response in a funny way?
-------

CARLOS:

No, this one pretty much means what she says.

She doesn't FEEL understood.

When a woman is ranting about whatever is bothering her, the most common response a guys has is to get all logical and prove why he's right. In a lot of cases he IS right, but that does NOTHING to soothe her.

That's the worst thing in the world to do.

The best thing you can do (and it's also the MOST difficult for 99% of the guys out there) is to shut up and just hear her out. Let her talk it out of her system.

Instead, we get all analytical and rational, which only fuels her fire when she just needs to get some things off her chest.

Er, so to speak.

Next time, LISTEN to her, and I'll bet you dollars to donuts that she never says she feels like you don't understand her.

Never get into the conflict in the first place. An argument with a woman is a no-win situation. What you have to do is learn how to handle it with reflexive listening skills and reframing.

The premise of an argument or conflict is that if one or the other proves their case enough, the other will just realize how wrong they are and back down.

HA! Remember the last time this ever happened to you?

I'll give you a clue, it might happen with a man, but unlikely with a woman. Even if you seem to win the logic on the surface, she'll be stewing up some negative feelings for you if you don't hear her out.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Saturday, September 17, 2005

ARROGANT?:


Some girls love the way I behave and bust their chops, but one girl in
particular has said I am arrogant. Why would she think that and how can I
change it?

Is it inevitable some people will see me as this no matter what?

-------
CARLOS:


She's uptight and doesn't like that she's not in control of you. Remember that the way she views you is indicative of HER more than it is of YOU.

Think about that...

She's the EXCEPTION. Yes, it's inevitable that people are going to think you're arrogant from time to time. Why should you care?

Not everyone is going to like you. Get used to it. You don't need to change her, you need to ignore her.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Friday, September 16, 2005

DATING ADVICE QUESTION - HOW TO HANDLE THE BULLY:


I watched an episode of "Blind Date" where a girl was out with a pretty wimpy acting guy. During dinner, some random guy approaches their table, insults the dudes' shirt, and basically hits on the girl. The dude didn't do anything at all, just sat there looking like a schmuck. You could tell his date was disgusted with him.

Now that was pretty disrespectful, hitting on the girl that you are OUT ON A DATE WITH and insulting you while you are on a date. At the end of the date, the girl didn't want to see him anymore and thought he was wimpy.

How should I handle this if it ever happens to me? It's easy to sit back and watch it happen to someone else and realize how terrible it makes HIM look, but if I was actually thrown in the middle of a situation like this, which is something I'm not really prepared for, I don't really know what the heck I'D do either. It'd obviously be an automatic angry response to beat the guy's ass, but I'm not sure that is the way to go here...

------
CARLOS:

I've actually covered this in the past with several newsletters and audio segments.

This guy is doing the standard AMOG routine. "Alpha Male of the Group."

He's trying to out-Alpha this poor punk. (And come on, you know this was a setup for television, right?)

First of all, the "beat his ass" response is definitely lame. When you actually grow up, you realize that this leads to possible lawsuits, and possibly getting your own butt tossed in the dirt - or possibly worse.

The answer to this little dilemma can be summed up with:

"WWBMD?"

What Would Bill Murray Do?

Have you ever seen him in his older roles, like in Stripes, and Ghostbusters, and his previous comedies?

He has this WAY about him when he handles chodes like this. He can disarm with a clever put-down that makes you wonder what he's doing, until he's already laughing at you.

Ask women what they think of Bill Murray. They love him. Because he knows how to hold his own. And he's not even very good looking...

He doesn't get angry unless it's an obvious tactic to further his knocking you back down.

Check out how he handles the guy who shut off their "grid" in the Mayor's office in Ghostbusters. Or even how he handles being around 3 gorgeous women in "Charlie's Angels." He's just got this aura of "cool" about him.

Here's what I see Bill doing in this situation:

"Dude! How the heck are you!" Getting up from the table to shake his hand. When the guy offers his hand (or if he doesn't), Bill grabs him and hugs him. "It's been what, 10 years! You look good! How's that little guy of yours doing?" (Either pretending the guy has a kid, OR pointing to the guy's crotch, but doesn't wait for a response. "Oh, hey, that's nice of you to come over here and greet my lady like this, but she's so tired after the autograph signing party, and we're just trying to get a little food in our tum-tums. BARTENDER! Give my friend here a drink! Dirk? Is that your name? Give Dirk here a drink on me!" And he turns the guy towards the bar. "It was great seeing you. And you can get this shirt at ANY Target, my man! It would be tough on your budget, I know, but you could wait for a sale." Gives a cheesy smile and laugh. Turns to his date and winks with a real smile.

Did you get that?

He didn't care about this other punk's universe. He wasn't wallowing in self-pity over getting "picked on."

He took a cocky and disarming sense of humor approach to things.

He didn't sulk or concern himself with how disrespectful this guy was. He just turned the situation around and had some fun with it.

No woman wants a man who can't stand up for himself. It's pitiful.

That woman was right for not wanting to see him again. He had no balls. Can you imagine him in bed, asking permission to do everything, or sulking when she makes some comment about slowing down?

I don't feel sorry for the guy, honestly. I only hope he learns from what happened.

First of all, he should have my Alpha Man Program. It would never have gone this bad if he did. The honest truth is that she was already making up her mind in this direction before this incident probably, and this was the finishing touch.

Second, yeah, I'm sure he's a "nice guy" and there are a million women out there going "Awwwwww!" But no matter what they say, they aren't attracted to him either. He'd just be the recipient of pity.

An Alpha Man stands up for what he wants in life. This woman made the right decision because she knew he wouldn't have the stones to protect her when it came down to it. Even if he had gotten up and tried picking a fight over her, that would have been 1000% better than sitting in silence.

For those of you guys out there who want to know how that whole "cocky & funny" thing works, this is the best way to learn - from the master himself - Bill Murray.

A perfect example of how a cocky, weird looking guy attracts hot women. And not just in the movies.

Yeah, Bill's an Alpha.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Pictures from the book signing event in San Francisco

Just thought I'd post a few pics from the book signing last night.



1) Me and Ross Jeffries...


2) Style, AKA Neil Strauss talking about the book...



3) Goofy faces with Ross...



4) More book signing...



5) Me and Neil ...

It was a great time. I'll fill you in more in this week's podcast.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Wow!


I just got back from the book-signing event at Books Inc over here in SF. It was the appearance of our man of Style, Neil Strauss, promoting his new book "The Game."

It was a BLAST talking to the guys that showed up. I even had a chance to meet the grandaddy of it all, Ross Jeffries, who stopped in to talk a little. It was a lot of fun. Thanks again to you guys who came out to say hey, including the guy from the forces (Semper Fi!) I appreciate your effort in coming to make Neil's event.

(I'll be posting pictures of me there with all the other guys soon...)

When I see the people I influence and help, it only re-affirms that I need to keep going and keep making it work for all of you.

I wanted to let you guys also know that Neil is a class act and a great guy in the community. His book is awesome, and you need to get it. NOW.

You can get it through us for a discount at this link:

The Game

And when you're done with that, you'll get more great stuff HERE


PS: I also want to thank Thundercat for his efforts... thanks, man...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

KATRINA LEAVES ALPHA MEN ALONE


Just a note from a survivor of the Katrina devastation, who also happens to be a subscribing Alpha Man...


I SURVIVED HURRICANE KATRINA!!!

thanks carlos, your alpha man series helped me thru a scenario of no work, communication, or electricity... everybody was shut down from baton rouge louisiana to mobile alabama and north to jackson, ms..

chris
louisiana


Glad to hear he's alive and kicking...

Hopefully things are going to be on the mend there. I'll be sending in the contribution this week. I'm sending it to Habitat for Humanity's relief program.

- Carlos

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

DATING ADVICE EMERGENCY:


Carlos,

Hi, I have a question for you and the advice you give will mean a lot. I started reading your book a couple of years ago and I won a girl over using your advice. We have dated since then but now we have had a break-up. The situation looks grim to me and I have some dubiety about rekindling anything but I am sure you have heard this thousands of time: I want her back.

The main premise is that she dearly loved me but I took advantage of her, I was not there when she needed me and I sometimes tried to induce her to change. She did live in Texas close to me but she moved to Louisiana early this summer to be with her mom for a few months. Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed that she had not been calling much.

I called her on Sunday night and asked what was going on. She told me that she met someone and that we are over. The next day she wrote an email thrashing me for everything that I have done to her. Carlos, I agree with her. I was wrong and I tried to tell her that. I want to make amends and move our relationship up. Our current status is that she won't take a call.

I tried calling yesterday before lunch but I know that calling any further is obviously a mistake. It took this mess for me to see what she really has to offer. I was just really stupid and didn't see it before. Interestingly enough she is dating one of the New Orleans evacuees.

Do you see any wiggle room for me here. Any advice would be great. She sounded like she was just very angry in her mails and she wanted revenge. Yesterday she wrote in one of the mails "Robert, dammit, I have to do this". My current plan is to send a handrwritten letter (no other contact) to tell her that I am sorry, I was wrong, and that I think she is doing the right thing by taking bold steps to make a change.

I really don't know what to do next. I was planning on proposing soon but I never told her and one of her chief complaints was that I didn't want to make a commitment.

What do you think?

R
-------------

CARLOS:

Do not have any further contact with this woman. You're starting to slip into obsession over your guilt.

You did what you did, now move on. You can't fix the past by "making it right" again. This is the path to your own self-destruction.

And I'm not over stating it, either.

Don't call her. Don't write her. In fact, never contact her again. There is no way you will recapture her heart like this.

If you continue on this path, your attitude will slowly slide into whipped-dog mode faster than you can cry along with "Fried Green Tomatoes." Your next step is that she'll be taking a restraining order out on you. Stalking is the next step, dude. And you're very close to that point.

This is how stalkers are created. Obsessive self-redemption and having some "point" to prove.

LET IT GO!

You learned your lesson. Now get rid of the guilt, because that will cripple your attitude in the long run. I've seen guys literally wither up and turn into a shadow of their former selves because they didn't reclaim their balls and get back to feeling good about themselves.

Here, get this RIGHT NOW. I'm not kidding. It's the one thing you can use to revive your flagging self-esteem. I consider your email an EMERGENCY situation.

Go here NOW: CONFIDENCE WITH WOMEN

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Poll Results:


Question: How long did you stay with your last girlfriend?

Answer %

1-3 months 24
4-6 months 18
6 months to a year 22
Over a year 35

Interesting... over 75% of guys stayed with their last girlfriend for longer than 3 months.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

CRAZY CHICK DATING ADVICE:


Hey Carlos, when a you meet a girl, or woman who when you go out on your first date tells you that "I just want to let you know that I have issues" what does that mean? Is it my place to ask her what kind of issues and if she is seeking some help? Normally my interpretation of issues especially when am dealing with females is about a previous relationship gone bad.
Advice!!

------
CARLOS:

I’d ask (within about 2 seconds) “What kind of issues?”

If she’s telling you she’s got ‘em, you need to know what they are. If someone was selling you a car, wouldn’t you want to know what issues it had?

You bet your ass you do.

Ask away. Don’t be timid. Of course it's your place to ask. You're considering investing yourself emotionally in her, you better know exactly what's messed up in her wiring.

Protect yourself.

I just got done with a woman that had more issues than Playboy magazine. She came in for some self-defense instruction and basically had a core meltdown in the first 10 minutes. She was crazy, and I had to tell her this situation would not work out. I don't care about her money; I wouldn't train her. Her energy was draining to be in the same room with. I was glad to be rid of her.

FLUSH>>.....

Repeat after me: Life is too short for crazy women.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Monday, September 12, 2005

DATING ADVICE FOR PORN CHICKS:


Dear Mr. Xuma:

I came across a single woman in a porn store buying a porn tape and a dildo.

Being a perfect a gentleman and an open-minded person that I am (a bit of a chicken too)

I did not want to say anything to make here feel awkward.

Is there a good way to talk to a single woman in a porn store without coming off creepy?

Thanks
---------
CARLOS:


Short answer:

NO.

Any woman that's in a porn store is going to have more red flags about YOU than anything else, so I don't think I'd even bother.

Chances are she's buying it as a "gift" for a "friend," but you never know. If she is buying it for herself, do you even fathom the incredible embarrassment she would have at the checkout as she's paying for a plastic pecker?

But if you want to try one out, this is what I'd do with the situation. (Because you should always be able to do something with any situation...)

Walk up and say, "I know this is going to sound strange, but I'm trying to find a gift for a friend of mine's bachelor-ette party. Can you help me find something suitable?"

You can play it off as if you think she works there, or not.

Let me know how that goes for you.

PS: Perhaps you shouldn't be in porn shops enough to need this kind of advice. Just a thought. :) It might be a good idea to try some reputable establishments.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

APPEARANCE REMINDER:


Hey, guys...

For those of you in the San Francisco Bay Area, I'll be appearing
at the book signing event Wednesday night for Neil Strauss' new book "The
Game," which covers the inside info on the dating advice community.
It will be at:

Weds Sept 14, 2005
San Francisco, Books Inc.

2251 Chestnut St
415-931-3633

For those of you not familiar with SF, this is in the Marina district of the city.

I hope to see you there...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

"Kudos to you Carlos. Your new CD's program addresses a fundamental problem without beating around the bush (no metaphor here, please). It is well structured and quite complete. It will help both beginners (like me) and advanced students. Continue your excellent work..." - L

CARLOS:

Oh, I'll be continuing... of that you can be sure.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

ALPHA MAN QUESTION ON CAMPUS:


First of all, I'd like to start out by saying thank you. Ever since reading the Alpha Man Program, my success rate with women has skyrocketed. I came out to school not knowing a single person. In the five days I've been here, I have hooked up with two girls and gotten 11 phone numbers with no problems at all. If people were to ask me who Carlos Xuma was, I'd reply with "The man who is helping men become men.

Now for my questions...

1. Now that I am out here, I have met so many women my head is still spinning. I don't even know who is who anymore. I only have a few male friends and about 8 or so girls that are friends and possibly more if I decide to go that route. Is it necessarily bad that I am interacting with women more than men? Do I really need that many male friends?

2. Some of the girls I met are into me a lot. I bust their chops relentlessly and they love it. The Boston accent also helps a bit. The thing is, some of these girls that call me all the time to hang out and meet somewhere with my buddy, flake out on us last minute. I almost feel like calling them out on their behavior. What could I say? Also, why are they doing it?

3. I have gotten the number of older chicks who are absolutely gorgeous. I'm thinking of asking them to meet up for some window shopping and coffee, but since my grandfather just passed, I have to go home this weekend. I don't want to call them too soon, but I don't want to wait too long since I can't go out this weekend. What could I do?

Thanks again Carlos. You the man.

-------

CARLOS:

Wow, that's putting the information to work, dude.

11 numbers in 5 days. Way to get busy!

Props to you.

I have to salute every guy that puts in the work and uses the information in the e-books and audio. But their best reward is knowing that if you USE the information, you will GET it, and the success will follow.

Let's hit your questions quickly:

1) Yes, you want a good number of male friends. Why?

First off, you have to stay in touch with your masculinity. You don't want to be smothered in estrogen. You have to keep your perspective.

Also, you want to make sure that women aren't taking over your life completely. When you don't have male friends to do male things with, it gets very weird, and you start behaving... well, a little feminist after a while.

They're not the enemy, but they're also not your brothers, if you know what I mean.

2) Call them on it, but do it with a funny tone of "Oh, you're one of those flaky little girls that hasn't grown up yet. How cute! Let me know when you turn into a woman that honors her word. Okay? Ciao!"

And why are they doing it? Because they're A) young, B) women, and C) they know they will probably get away with it. Women are about as consistent as the weather report for next week.

3) Tell her your situation. (i.e., the truth!) Tell her you have some personal family business to attend to (this always gets women's respect) and you'll be in contact when you get back. Maybe.

There's nothing wrong with the truth.

So many people avoid it these days that it's nice and refreshing to most of us when we hear it.

And if you want to read more truth, you can get it with the Secrets of the Alpha Man program ...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Sunday, September 11, 2005

DATING ADVICE FOR MEN:


Carlos,

I’ve been consistently running into a situation with the ladies that I hope you can shed some light on.

I have been pursuing a woman that’s easy to track down because she works at the same company but in a different department.

I began flirting with her a little through e-mail and then in the hall by teasing her and she definitely showed some IOI’s. I asked her to lunch after about two weeks of flirting band during lunch she mentioned, casually mind you, that she had a boyfriend WTF!! I decided to see how far she would go so I asked her out for drinks and although she did not say no she told me she had a doctors appointment and that “maybe” we could go out next week.

My question is this:

Since I work with this chick I can see her whenever I want BUT I have been spacing my personal (no more e-mails) interaction with her so that I see her every 3-4 days. Gradually it seems like she is becoming less and less interested (to the point of being cold) in talking with me. I can feel her starting to slip away and I feel like my hands are tied. If I give her any more distance I feel like that would be it. If I go to see her more often even with a teasing confident attitude I run the risk of smothering her and pushing her away? So my hands are tied.

I know this is just one example but it’s happened with every single woman I been pursuing where they begin to realize you are interested and attainable and therefore their interest dies.

Can I do anything about this?

Thanks for your insight,
B
-----------
CARLOS:

This is a common dilemma, and one that I'm going to cover more thoroughly in my Advanced Audio Coaching in the next month or two.

A woman loves to play with the fire.

If she's got a boyfriend already, she'll stoke your fires of desire just to satisfy her need for attention. When she's got you, she drops you like 2nd period French.

The key to keeping their interest in you is to constantly CHALLENGE them.

Have them do something for you. Let them know that you're NOT that attainable in the meantime.

Once you feel that a woman has started to slip away, it's too late. Game over, man.

The key is to CONSTANTLY hit her frustration buttons so that she is delightfully aggravated. Sound weird? It's not.

I used to help my friend tow cars home that he was going to repair and re-sell. I would steer and brake the junker while he pulled me from the front. Now, you have to know HOW to drive that rear car or you're going to screw things up badly, and the chain will disengage.

You have to maintain constant tension between you and the other vehicle. When he accelerates, I just let him pull me. When it's time to slow down, I have to do the braking for both of us.

Sound familiar?

It's the same with women, chumley.

If you feel at a point at which if YOU were to slow things down any more she would back off completely, that means you slowed down too far. You have to keep in gear and moving forward.

Too late for her, but you have the right understanding now of what NOT to do. Don't let her know so easily that you're A) that interested, and B) attainable.

And you should probably get into the Secrets of the Alpha Man program, which develops your attitude so that you don't make these mistakes in the future...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Saturday, September 10, 2005

DATING ADVICE FOR MEN QUESTION:


Hey Carlos,

I got a problem that i gave it some thought for some days now, and i haven't come up with a solution yet. The problem is this: i am using my car a lot, either for work or leisure, so i spend from 1 hour to 3 on average everyday in the car (and sometimes on heavy traffic at low speed).

So, while waiting, i made it a habit to make eye contact with women, either pedestrians or drivers on the next jammed lane. After a while it became natural but the problem is that i can't think of a way to go beyond a mutual smile or a wave or some "frustrated" gesture about the heavy traffic. Of course this problem does not occure in other enviroments like coffee shops, bars etc where you can simply walk up and start some chit chat.

I gave it some thought and i concluded that the only thing i could do was to pass either a biz card or a note with my phone number (of course this applies while the weather is still good and the car windows are open). I have even considered on printing my number on a piece of paper and showing it, but i rejected that for obvious reasons. A card or a note looks spontaneous. The problem really lies on to the fact that i am going to be the one giving the phone number...(or perhaps i should just print a thousand more cards and have a who cares mentallity and play it on the numbers).

Actually this is a real hard situation because there are other factors involved, like when the light is green you have to get moving! Or when in a smaller street and making a comment to a girl walking (not rude or extremely arrogant etc) and there is another car behind me, i gotta move...

Normally, i wouldn't give the whole issue much thought, but i spend lots of time driving, so why the heck not?


Any thoughts on this?

Thanx
D
---------

CARLOS:

Cars are a tough one. You’re in motion. She’s in motion. If only you were in motion together. :)

If you’re on the curb-side of the street, and you can pull up next to someone, just put your hazards on. Let them honk their horn, you’re doing something important!

Here’s one thing I recommend for drive-time: Listening to CDs and tapes. Not music, either. I’m talking about self-help, developmental tapes, etc. Listen to anything and everything you can get your hands on, not just my audio and podcasts and stuff. With as much time as you spend in a car, you can get a full college education in just a couple years .. All in the comfort of your car. A PhD. in babe-attraction.

Or you can even learn a whole new language. You’ve got the time, so make it work for YOU. Then when you’re around women OUT of the car, you’ll have much more confidence and attitude.

You can work the lanes for the chickies, but that’s a low-yield use of your time. I’d suggest you do what you can as you drive, but consider it practice. The best thing is to be working on YOURSELF to shore up your foundation with the audio that can make you a better man.

Make sense?

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Friday, September 09, 2005

CLINGY GUY QUESTION:


Last night I went to this girl's who I am interested in. There were a lot of
guys and girls there, but all the girls were all over the other guys, the
girl I like included. Since I'm new around here, I didn't know anyone, but
remained undaunted. I talked to everyone I could, but couldn't really grab
this girl's attention. I was driving up the attraction like crazy last week,
but don't know what happened last night.

How can I compete with all these guys? It seems like they have a big
advantage over me knowing these girls already. What do I have to do here?

Also, towards the end of the night we all went to another party and I
started acting needy clingy to her. How can I redeem myself?


-------
CARLOS:

You can redeem yourself by giving up on her and never being needy/clingy again. You know the penalties. There are no "take backs" in this area.

More fish in the sea.

Don't get caught up in competing. You'll never win.

Just resign yourself to the fact that if you can drive up your own self-confidence and presentation, give yourself a month or two of networking and improving your social proof by being the guy "everyone" knows, you'll do fine.

Don't be in such a rush. You need to stand back and be observant FIRST, and then you can go for the kills. Right now, your power is in your ability to read the social situations and understand their personality types, etc.

Read Sun Tzu. The Art of War.

And re-read The Dating Black Book.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

APPEARANCE DATE:


Hey, guys...

For those of you in the San Francisco Bay Area, I'll be appearing
at the book signing event next week for Neil Strauss' new book "The
Game," which covers the inside info on the dating advice community.
It will be at:

Weds Sept 14, 2005
San Francisco, Books Inc.

2251 Chestnut St
415-931-3633

For those of you not familiar with SF, this is in the Marina district of the city.

So I hope to see you there...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, September 08, 2005

DATING SKEPTICISM QUESTION:


I got an email that was basically bashing the whole internet dating advice industry. It was saying that the online dating "gurus" are just basically con artists out to give bad advice, so that it won't work and the guys will keep coming back to them for more and more of it. They likened it to the diet industry, where they sell fat people diet products that don't work, to keep them fat, so they'll keep buying more and more in an effort to lose weight. The email said that the whole thing was about profit and making money, not to actually help people.

I have followed your advice for a long time now, and ... Most everything you teach seems to make good sense to me. I'm sure there is a lot of crap out there too though. Anybody and everybody can put up a web site these days.

But the email did make me wonder. I'd like to hear what you have to say about all this.

Thanks for the help.
---------

CARLOS:
WARNING: The opinion you're about to read is not for the weak or faint of heart.


Everything in life can be looked at in life in one of two ways:

1) You can gain something from it

or

2) You're just being swindled.

Yes, there are a lot of guys who are giving out lame advice, or stuff that's not terribly original.

Yes, there are people who are giving advice that makes you think they've gotta be smoking some SERIOUS dope.

Yes, there are some guys (and girls) out there trying to make a fast buck.

My question is this...

You said: "But the email did make me wonder."

WHAT exactly did that email make you wonder?

That you had made a bad decision to start on the path of self-discovery and self-improvement?

That you can't be successful with women?

Anyone that tells you that is full of shit. Anyone that tells you that you can't make your life better is a f*cking idiot. (I should stop beating around the bush...)

They're preying on your sense of "remorse" that we all fall victim to. We second-guess ourselves all the time.

- Did I do the right thing?

- Shouldn't I have asked someone first?

- Should I have waited?


The sad fact is that most people never get anywhere in life because they refuse to put their foot down and DO anything of merit. To take a risk. To dare to step away from the crowd.

They avoid making decisions in the deluded belief that it helps them avoid failure.

And instead they wind up never making any success, which is failure by default.

Then these same people sit back and crush all of your hopes, pretending they know it all already. They're the cynics of the world, the critics who belittle everyone else who dares to go after what they want in life.

I have a saying:

"Those who have given up on their dreams will do their best to discourage you from your own."

You know, I could come up with a negative for every situation in life that comes along.

- Gas stations are really just a kind of drug dealer, keeping you addicted to your need to drive expensive and polluting automobiles.

- Gyms and fitness clubs are all just out to make money off you by convincing you that you can really lose weight, when in fact if you just walked a few miles each day you'd be in just as good shape.

What do YOU believe?

Answer: Whatever you CHOOSE to.

The only thing that ensures failure is failing to try in the first place, or giving up.


This garbage never bothers me personally because I'm here to pave the way for you to achieve what you want from life. I give you the tools to make your life what YOU decide you want from it.

And I'll stand by that until the day I leave this rock.

You know the Truth when you hear it. So just stay tuned and keep listening.


"No one ever erected a statue to a critic." - Zig Ziglar

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

DATING ADVICE QUESTION:



Great job with the advice first and formost. You seem to know whats going inside a womens head at least ...

My problem is I love sex. Well I wouldn't consider it a problem but it is becoming one in my relationship. My girl friend is 3 years younger than I but when we are together there is no age difference until it becomes physical.

We have been through alot and love each other no matter how we act but she doesn't want sex as much as I do. sense I do love her very much I have to make the sacrafice of not having it as much as I do.

When we do have sex its really good and we can both reach our "higher levels". but more often than not I want it alot more. I was wondering if you had any advice to get my girlfriend begging me for sex.

I don't want this to sound like thats all I want out of the relationship because by any means she is my best friend and my lover and I respect her. I just want to know how to get her wanting it for me. because its not like I want it when the situation is not right but when it is I want it. is there anything worng with that. well if you have some adivce let me know. thank you

-----
CARLOS:

First of all, lose that apologetic air about wanting to have a fruitful and pleasurable sex life. It's COMPLETELY NORMAL.

More bad Media Programming has led men to believe that their healthy sexual desires are "bad," or that they are "bad" for wanting more than women appear to want on the surface.

More mind control for you.

The first step is to not worry what other people think about your situation. It is what it is, and other people will just have to accept it. You're an Alpha Man.

Live it.

Love it.

Now, for your situation:

There are times when one partner will have a higher sex drive than the other. In fact, this is almost always the case. What you hope for, though, is that one will be higher one week, and the other will be higher another time. Occasionally, you're both up there.

Your options are:

1) Continue being unfulfilled in your current relationship. Live with the disparity and tension it creates.

2) Dump her, go find a woman with the sexual appetite you have

3) Go get your nookie elsewhere on the side.

4) Make things work by having some long, hard discussions about what you want, how she can provide it, how you can accommodate her, etc.

5) Jack up the sexual tension so high that she can only desire more and more of you in bed.

Number 4 is the longest and most difficult route, but it could be the most rewarding if you feel a strong investment with this girl. But you only go that route AFTER number 5.

Passion is a thing of the heart, not of the head. You need to spray some gasoline on things and light it to get it going.

Recognize that #1 and #3 are not recommended by me.

Number 2, while stated a little harshly, should be kept on hand as an alternative if you can't get things to work out.

YOU don't have to be the only one making a "sacrifice."

Perhaps she can sacrifice a little and give you a little action, and you can sacrifice a bit by taking care of your need on your own a few times.

You need both the physical and the emotional parts of a relationship to make it work (and I'm not even talking about compatibility yet) so keep in mind that you are not a "dog" or a "typical man" for wanting this.

Consider that most women in their 30s have higher sex drives than men their age and you'll see that this can easily flip-flop back and forth.

My experience has been that younger women are too insecure sexually to make very good partners, but then again, guys are often too inexperienced to provide the same.

Hey, we've all got our shortcomings, right?

Keep demonstrating your strong posture and lack of neediness, and keep busting her chops. Elevate the level of sexual tension whenever possible. Don't let everything become a "yes, dear" situation.

Over-familiarity kills passion.

Remember that if she has never had a high level of sexual desire, it's not something that's likely to be addressed by #5. She's just not as horny. That's when Number 4 takes over.

Just don't get stuck in "martyr" mode, where you feel like you're doing something wrong by asking to have your needs fulfilled. There's no reason you can't have what you want in this world if you're willing to go after it. Understand your options and keep them open.

Stay Alpha, and keep going after it.

Good luck...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

DATING ADVICE FOR MEN:


Hey Carlos,

I have been working with this girl from my job for about a month and a half now. When I first started working there, I was always cocky and funny and not showing her interest. This resulted in her being very attracted to me but the problem is that I want to show interest but I dont want to come across as a wussy. I dont know how to do that. How can a guy show interest to a woman without coming across as a wussy?

Thanks Carlos.
__________________________________________________

CARLOS:

The key to this is to keep moving forward, but don’t express your interest in a way that says “I need you to approve of me.”

Things like compliments are wimpy.

Things like being too “easygoing” are wimpy.

Things like catering to her too much comes across as wimpy.

But remember, you don’t need to show interest in a woman!

It is not necessary to show her you’re interested beyond asking her out. THAT is how she’ll know you’re interested. Too many guys feel that they have to make some great proclamation of love to go any further with a woman.

You see, the point of the whole thing is to leave her WONDERING about you. That’s most of what generates her interest in you anyway.

Just take her out somewhere, and then show her some FUN.

There’s not much more to it than that. Don’t suffer from a paralysis of analysis. There’s a reason that word starts with “anal.”

:)

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Monday, September 05, 2005

DATING ADVICE FOR MEN QUESTION:


Hi Carlos,

Just want to ask you how would we come across as an 'alpha man' when we want to jump from one stone to another without appearing as needy as we are? Is there a timeline you use (eg. after 1 month - target kissing, after 3 months together - target extended kissing)?

------
CARLOS:

Good question.

This is a point of confusion for a lot of guys, because they think that in order to move forward with a woman, you can't hold back or demonstrate posture with her.

There is also a mistaken belief that if you just "hold back" and "act cool" enough for her, she'll just jump all over you.

There is a dilemma here for many guys, and I'll clear it up right now.

You can be moving forward and NOT appearing needy at the same time. In fact, you'll appear even more confident and masculine if you do.

How?

By acting on your desires you demonstrate the Alpha quality of ACTION.

It's HOW you go after those desires that will set you either in the Alpha squad, or the Beta bin.

If you move forward in a shaky, not-so-sure, hope-you're-not-offending-her attitude, she'll walk away. It will seem too much like you need her approval.

On the other hand, if you move forward in a confident, this is what I want, and if you can't supply me I'm GONE attitude, you won't seem needy and she'll be more likely to follow your lead.

Now timelines are tricky. They're different for every woman you meet. But the only ones I'd make a point of getting to (and if you're presenting yourself with confidence, none of these should be difficult) is this:

- Sometime on the first REAL date of several hours with each other = Goal: Kiss.

Any woman who's into you at all will oblige you with a short and controlled kiss. If she doesn't, she's just not that into you.

Any other deadlines are arbitrary depending on the situation.

You'll move faster the better you demonstrate the qualities you develop in the Alpha Man program, though...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Sunday, September 04, 2005

DONATIONS:



Well, I sent out a newsletter and some info in the Podcast this week about my efforts to send some funds down to the victims of the Hurricane in Louisiana.

One of the readers just pointed out to me that there are some people out there who use catastrophes as a way to generate more profit. (I wasn't aware there were people this low, but I guess it's like any other situation where the unscrupulous see opportunity.)

I wanted to reassure you guys that I'm sincere about the donation offer I just mentioned in the last newsletter and Podcast.

I am going to donate a minimum of 15% to the Red Cross of all proceeds from the Advanced Audio Coaching single-issue sales.

You have my word on that. I'll even send you guys a copy of the donation receipt when it's done.

Please note that I am not looking to rake in any profit off their plight. It's purely for the hurricane relief benefit.

If you'd rather make a donation on your own, that's fine, too. Send me proof of the donation and I'll give you a discount of 20% off the audio.

It's sad that we have to be so cynical in this world, but I wanted to make sure you understood my intentions.


Whatever you decide to do, please do something...

_____

And, after I sent that out, I got this letter that that sums it up nicely. Thanks, Jim...

-----
(shortened.)

Yeah, I thought about doing something similar. Who CARES what they think? If they are so holy and righteous, let them send their money direct. It's a FACT, though, that many people are more likely to give when they are going to get something in return, SO your offer to donate a portion of your sales actually creates donations that would NOT have otherwise been there.

- Jim

------

And this letter points out something that I wasn't even aware of:

------

You might also remind subscribers to donate blood on a regular basis too-

I did this past week-end,and will continue to do so-

The New Orleans area alone requires over 500 units PER - DAY! under normal conditions... just think what they need now-

A Red Cross official told me all the Blood Banks were wiped out, and because of the filth sloushing around them,people there cannot donate themselves.

Thanks Carlos for all your efforts-


W. K.
___________


Well, let's all just do our part and help out. Cynicism aside, it's time to pull together.

Have a great holiday, everyone!

- Carlos X.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

DATING ADVICE QUESTION:



Hey Carlos,

Today I saw a girl I used to work with in the Navy, but she got kicked out for supplying alcohol to minors and conducting an "illegal" business on base. Whatever the case, I saw her today on base, and I guess her friends brought her back on base. Anyhow she greeted me with a hug and was all chittty chatty. Now mind you, this gal was NOT hot at ALL.

However after some teasing her, and one of my stupid friends comments talking me down perhaps to make himself seem cooler as he talked about all of our conquests, this girl suddenly started talking so much shit. Like there were 3 other guys at the table and she was looking at our hands around the table, claiming to know the size of our dicks by how our hands looked. (wtf) She then just kept talking trash, and I'd be like f*ck you and she'd be like "I'm not your type....I'm not a blow up doll." And would say things like, "I wouldn't fuck you with a 10 foot pole."

You get the point. Eventually I got pissed and am like, "Alice, CUT THE SH*T OUT!" Although it was kind of embarrassing having 2 friends watch this. What the heck was going on here? I'm not a very good trash talking, you know coming up with super funny witty things to say when someone is bagging on me.

Is this one of those tests women have? How should I perhaps handle something like this if it comes up again? I felt like I was in uncharted territory. Thanks.

-M
-------
CARLOS:

This girl is what we in the 'community' call a female player. She demonstrates much of the characteristics of a guy who is good with women ... only she's a woman!

Most of her sh*t talking is an attention-getting tactic. Chances are this girl is a "wild child" who likes to get into trouble, isn't very stable, and likes to stir things up so that she can be the instigator and the center of attention.

She was eating up all your attention like a lap-dog. And the fact that she wasn't very hot just proves it. She knows that guys are probably actually turned on by her attitude more than they knew.

I remember this 40-something woman where I used to work that was totally AVERAGE, yet she managed to rile you up by being obnoxious and cocky the whole time. (Presenting herself as an ALPHA woman.)

It works for women the way it works for men.

Now, more important here, you let her get to you, and that's a BIG no-no. She did manage to screen you out there by your reaction. Alpha Men do not lose control of their emotions under any situation. (Except when it's to achieve a desired outcome and it's on purpose, which I am going to cover sometime soon in the Advanced Audio Coaching.)

After a while of her back-and forth, you should just start refusing to go along with her game. You can't keep up the witty banter forever, and at some point it's time to call her on it.

HER: Yeah, you guys probably have small ones. Look at the size of your hands.

YOU: Why are you interested in the size of my penis? Are coming on to me?

HER: Yeah, you wish!

YOU: Is that it? "Yeah, you wish"? I don't suppose you can surprise me with something a bit more witty. Is this how you drove off your last boyfriend? All this charming love-talk?

Mind you, most of this is conveyed in the attitude. I'd be leaning back in my chair, using her chair or leg as a rest for mine. I'd start turning my body away and talking to her over my shoulder.

Revoke the attention she so desperately needs.

The key is to recognize her motivation and take it under YOUR control. You must be the Alpha Man in the interaction, no matter how much SHE wants to be.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Saturday, September 03, 2005

DATING ADVICE QUESTION:


Hey Carlos,
Thanks for the numerous emails you send me on the regular. Being an Alpha man requires a lot of dedication and confidence. I am taking one chapter at a time and trying to see how this things apply in my daily life. I have a situation here that I may need some feedback on how to close the deal.

I met a girl whom I believe the feelings were mutual and at the time we met, I asked her to accompany me for dinner where we talked about a lot of things. Well I made the first move and gave her my number, and since then we chat here and there. I asked her to go out with me on a second date and she agreed but on the day we were to go out she canceled and I told her we could do it another time.

Now she hasn't called me since but whenever we meet we talk and she seems overly excited, a lot of touching on hands or shoulder. What is it that I am doing wrong here? Why is it she hasn't taken me on my offer for another lunch or a movie? or when I ask her to call she doesn't call me but then the next time I meet her she doesn't bring it up, but I don't show that i am upset. Advice please.

NB
by the way some dude I know also exchanged numbers with her and I overheard him tell my boy that she has never called him back or when he calls her she is always busy. I don't think she has written me off. I made the move and i laid back to give her time to make the move, but nothing.

--------
CARLOS:

Whoooooaaaaahhhhh....

I saw it right away, and it's going to be so simple, you're going to slap your head.

The answer is here, in what you said:
"I made the move and i laid back to give her time to make the move, but nothing."

and here: "the next time I meet her she doesn't bring it up"

That's the mistake.

Never wait for a woman to "make a move."
or "bring it up..."

It won't happen.

Women CRAVE attention. They thrive on it.

And while it's nice to think that we might live in a world where if a woman is interested in you, she's going to show it or do something...

She won't.

Ask any guy you know how many times they've had a woman ACTIVELY pursue them, and I guarantee you it's less than 1 in 20.

Why don't they make a move?

Because that makes them feel like they're being too eager and desperate. They feel like they're being a "slut" if they pursue a man.

That's why all those things you read where they claim to tell you how to make women chase YOU sound so promising.

It's every guy's most fervent desire - to have women come after HIM for a change. That way he doesn't have to RISK.

But this isn't the way the world works. And if you wait on her, she'll never help you.

She needs to know that YOU will take the steering wheel and control this from the start. You have to MAKE it happen with her. Don't look for response from her to keep going forward.

The way a woman shows interest in you is by NOT resisting your moving forward.

Read that line again until it makes complete and perfect sense.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Friday, September 02, 2005

HOW MUCH FAILURE IS TOO MUCH?


QUESTION:

In the new approach program you say that "Unless you are Brad Pitt, no matter what you do or who you are, you aren't going to get many dates from the phone numbers you get from cold contacts. You're lucky to get 50 %, but you'll probably not even get 30 %." That pretty much totally shot down my expectations.

Yes, you get 3 dates out of 10 numbers, but that is a hell of a lot of failure. I was thinking that a guy that gets really good at this, especially after having all this training, should be getting more like an 80 or 90 % ratio of dates from phone numbers. It seems to me that a 30% ratio would be that of a dork that doesn't know what he is doing.

To be honest, that really lowers my motivation and my belief in what can be done. Let's face it, if you're striking out 7 times out of 10, it's going to be tough to keep a good attitude and confidence in your abilities.

I mean, I kinda feel like I would be wasting a lot of time with all those non-successes. Are you saying that even a player, a pimp-dady, can only expect to land 3 dates out of every 10 numbers or emails he gets? Can you please elaborate on this topic?
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CARLOS:

Reality is a bitch, isn't it?

I hate to be harsh about this but it's not realistic to expect 80-90% success. You may get there someday, but it's going to be unrealistic to think that it's anything more than a very long-term goal.

News flash, I've never said that you can expect those kinds of grand numbers. But keep in mind this is for phone numbers you get from COLD contacts. Not the warm ones, or the ones you get from online services.

Look, I want you to learn how to define reality for yourself in a way that gives you the most success.

Let's break this down by the numbers:

You talk to 10 women a week, you get 3 dates. Out of 100 women, you get 30 possible girlfriends.

THIRTY! That's a freakin' AWESOME ratio! Especially for only 10 weeks of work. That's if you hit it hard and stopped meeting girls entirely after that.

And that's NOT a hell of a lot of failure, if you consider the numbers. That's a hell of a lot of SUCCESS in my book. You can look at it as 70% failure, or 30% success.

Is the pie 70% gone or 30% left for you to eat? Is the glass 70% empty or...

You get the point.

Hell, a .300 batting average is pretty damn good in the major leagues. For those of you familiar, that's about a 30% success ratio. I'll take it!

In reality, you're 100% successful. Those 70% were practice for the next 30%, AND you should have been getting a lot of social exposure in the process.

And if, out of those 30 women you get 1 or 2 steady girls (not hard to imagine at all), I'll ask you this:

HOW MANY WOMEN DO YOU NEED?


But the bigger problem here is that you need to ask yourself what your expectations are.

You see, right now, your NEED to have them work out is what's going to make it seem like work. You need a woman to go out on a date to make it a success. Then, it will be your need to get every date to close with a kiss. Then it will be a need to get to sleep with all of them... pretty soon, you're not in it for a goal, you're in it to fill an endless hole inside you.

Exaggeration? Maybe. But probably not.

In order to get a good level of success out of your interactions with women, you still have to let go of this NEEDS-oriented thinking.

Outcome expectations are the dog's tail that you will chase until you die. Until you're able to let them go, they'll be the goal that's always just outside your reach.

THIS is the root cause issue to be addressed:

You're focused too much on the failure. The penalties. The "rejection."

Right now you feel like meeting and interacting with women is so much WORK. I can hear the exasperation in your tone. If you aren't successful frequently enough, you've defined this as a problem. You're not just enjoying the interaction with women. Instead, you're all about "getting somewhere."

Not that you shouldn't want that eventually, but the more you want it up front, the more you reek of AGENDA. And that's the nastiest cologne you'll ever wear.

You're focusing far too much on getting success and not enough, I'm afraid, on what it is you want. Define your goal first, then plan the steps to get it.

In other words, if you can't make the payments, don't buy the car. If it's too much for you, just stop meeting women now and take it easy. Relax. No need to fail anymore. You can sit inside and watch reruns of the "Simpsons" or something.

But if you want a few girls a month to date - then 12 dates a month is quite a LOT.

I hesitate to say that you won't be able to juggle that many women, even if half of them drop out.

The only difference between a player/pimp-daddy (?) and you is your attitude towards the process. They don't go into it with the NEED for success in ANY of their encounters.

Why?

Because Women can smell this a MILE away. When you're so results oriented that you can't pay attention and BE in the moment, enjoying the presence of another women, you seem desperate and insecure. And that's the last thing a woman wants to get involved in, unless she is desperate and insecure.

If you decide that you can't hack 70% non-success (it's not failure if you're at least getting numbers - success is relative), then be sure you're not just using the COLD MARKET. Keep working at online and speed dating and karaoke and all those other ways you can be meeting women.

Understand this - if you knew that you had a 30% chance to win a nice chunk of money from the lottery, would you play it?

Uh, duhhh.

Consider that millions of people play for one chance in a hundred million (something like .0000001% success). And they are more likely to get hit by falling space debris than win. But they keep on playing...

Remember: The reason you don't get those 70% HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Women are flakes. People are flakes. It's just the way it is between human beings. I used to get all worked up over it, but it just doesn't matter in the end.

I can get angry at rain for being wet, and it will always be wet. And who's getting the raw end of that deal?

Remember, don't argue with reality. The source of all pain in your life is from wishing things were different than they are.

Stop working out the ratios and just get out there and have some FUN. You do that, everything else takes care of itself. Keep improving, keep striving. Get out of your head and expectations. Play the game to play it, and before long your skill will be unbelievable, and you'll win all the time.

Every professional athlete out there that has any staying power and success LOVES THE GAME more than he needs to win. The love of the game came first.

Get in the game for the FUN of it, or it will never live up to your expectations.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Here's a little somethin' somethin' from our inside player on the other Team...



C wrote me some info to post for you today. She thought you might enjoy this perspective.

My only notes are that I think women want sex MORE than men. But if that secret ever got out...


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Women desire sex almost as often as men do. A man will see an attractive woman and in a flash, his manhood is doing the Tango. Arousal for women often initiates in the mind- it is an intellectual process. Before she will even consider you as a potential lover, women will play out many different scenarios.

When a woman sees an attractive man in passing, her vivid, erotic imagination goes into high gear. She visualizes the two of them getting into an elevator- in the Empire State Building… he pushes the top floor and turns around to ask her, “what floor would you like Ms.” He glances at her and drinks her in, nodding in approval. As she looks deep into his eyes, the elevator screeches to a halt in between two floors. At first, all is still, then the lights flicker and they are thrown to the floor. The firmness of his body briefly excites her; but then panic settles in. He regains his composure, realizes he will need a rope to rescue them, and rips off his shirt, exposing a perfect six-pack and chiselled triceps….Ah yes, you see where this is going.

Women need to fantasize (think of it as cerebral foreplay) a bit before their female nectar flows. And no, not all of our sexual fantasies are this tame... Pick up any one of Nancy Friday’s books and your view of a woman’s sexual prowess will forever be changed. Hopefully, this will not offend your masculinity; but it is a fact; some women will have highly erotic, sexual fantasies while making love to you. Yes, we know men fantasize too…but you already know that don’t you!

Women want sex all the time. Really. It is the fear of being labeled promiscuous, “slutty girl” or worse the dreaded “female player” that puts our libido in check. We have been conditioned to believe that honorable men would not want to be with overtly sexual women.

I applaud women who feel secure enough and have a high degree of self-esteem to go after what they want. I understand the three-date rule; but let’s face it; sometimes we meet a man that is so charming, and sexually alluring that we cannot count to three. I do not think that turns us into licentious immoral women. I think it makes us happy.

There are certain aspects of sex that many men take for granted. We are not men. We do not want to be men. We do not have penis envy. (OK, maybe a little when we really
have to pee and we do not have the mechanics to just whip it out and rain on Broadway).

Women and men do not have the same expectations when it comes to having sex. Men need to ignite women’s natural erotic nature with the slow and sensual acts of seduction.

I assume you have already mastered the fine techniques of flirting and teasing, and have studied and practiced the key elements of attraction.

Now that you know that we want sex, fantasize about it all the time, how do you know when we want it with you?

These are some of the more discreet signals...

Watch your love interest carefully and she will reveal her desire for you with her body language.

She will start to play with her hair, sensually flipping her head back- exposing her bare neck where she loves to be kissed.

Look into her eyes, there is a reason for the saying “the eyes are the mirror to the soul.”
I once had a boyfriend that said, “I brown eyed him into oblivion.” If she looks at you, tilts her head back slightly, and lowers her eyes with an almost dreamy gaze – check to make sure that condom is in your pocket!

Notice what she is doing with her hands. Is she caressing a glass, or delicately twirling a straw around with her fingers. Is she stroking her neck? Her motions are indicative of her thriving desire.

Her lips are slightly parted and she is moistening them with her tongue. Look to see if she is focused on your lips. Wet your lips with your tongue and watch her eyes.

Crossing and swinging her legs while caressing her thighs-, she can hardly stand it-move in closer to her and she will probably begin to fondle you.

Listen to her breathing, if she wants you, her pulse will quicken, and her face will be flushed.

There is no better aphrodisiac than anticipation. So now, it is your time to shine, take it slow- and let her come to you. (If you really want to excite her, make her beg for it).

When you kiss her, kiss her passionately, but remember a woman can judge how good a lover you will be by how well you kiss.

If you really want to know if your gal is interested in being intimate with you, communicate your desire to her. There is nothing more erotic for a woman than having a man who cares about her needs and desires.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

SELF-CONFIDENCE QUESTION:


Wutsup Carlos,

I am currently in college and do go out to many bars and clubs. I feel that whenever I am in these bars and clubs, its almost like girls immediately judge me and disqualify me. I feel this way because I see many guys out there who I feel are better looking than me and I say to myself "Why would these girls want to dance with me when they can dance with guys like that". I've never really liked the club scene because the music is sooo loud and you cant really talk to a girl so she wont get to see your personality.

Is there a way I can change all of this Carlos? I want to be able to go to clubs and bars and not feel that this is a barrier for me Carlos. Thanks.

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CARLOS:

Yes, it's called my Secrets of the Alpha Man program. I designed it from the start as the ultimate tool for a man to develop his self-confidence and power with women.

With 6 CDs and over 400 pages of content, this is the program you need to feel like you can go into ANY situation and be confident enough to talk with women.

What you're asking is too complicated to answer in an email or two. This involves some work on your inner game.

And I've even got a "starving student" program that will make sure you can afford to get it NOW.

Go here to get it: HOW TO BUILD YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE - Be an Alpha Man

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men