Friday, March 28, 2008

What if you get conflicting messages from your woman?

I am in serious relationship and some of the things you say men should avoid doing my girlfriend likes them.

I am confused about if I should stop doing them or continue. I am definitely sure that she loves the things you say we guys shouldn't do such as being clingy we talk everyday on the phone but she is usually the one that calls me and she asked how come I don't call her everyday and that she would love if I did.

Should I start calling her everyday or continue doing what I'm doing?

-Chris
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Look, I'll be the first to tell you that behaviors do change - slightly - once you've evolved into a certain place in your relationship.

But I also have to set things straight where they need setting.

Hey, it's why you keep coming back here, right? :)

First off, if what you're doing is working, I'm not going to tell you to stop. But I will tell you that what you THINK is working now might not work a month or two down the road.

I don't know how you define a "serious" relationship, so I can only guess at that. But I will guess that you aren't more than 6 months into this relationship.

Here's my experience with women that seem to like "clingy" behavior...

1) The woman typically has a few insecurities about relationships. She likes clinginess because she has a slightly insecure personality.

2) After a time, clingy behavior in a relationship becomes an addictive relationship, which can be very unhealthy for both people.

So by the end of your email, I have the impression that you're doing the right thing, NOT calling every day. And she's showing desire for you.

Hmmm...

Just because she SAYS something, Chris, doesn't mean you can be "definitely sure."

One of the things that keeps a romance on the right track is a healthy level of unfulfilled desire.

There's a Chinese curse that goes: May you get everything your heart desires.

My advice?

Let her chase you some more, because she won't leave you for wanting a little more. And the opposite is just as true, by the way.

Give her the gift of missing you.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

This is How You Handle Fear And Procrastination - and Low Confidence...

This week, I'm inviting you into a conversation. You get to listen in as I explain a situation from the inside out and you get to hear things from the inner voice that you might

______________________
QUESTION:

Just when it seems that I have a little success with women, I get a few numbers but nothing comes from them, I fall in to my old pattern of fear and procrastination.

The alpha rule "abandon the desire to possess women" is almost impossible for me to realize. I read it and try to just focus on me, and not give to much thought to the women who I see. but a very short time after I start feeling discouraged like I'm never going to be able to get a women in my life.

My whole life is suffering because of the time and thought that I'm putting into my pursuit of women.

I need help bad I'm on the verge of complete mental breakdown.

R.G.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Congratulations!

You're on the right path!

"Huh? Carlos, are you heartless? Can't you hear this guy's cry for help?"

Yes, I can. And I can tell you from experience that he's about to realize something that most guys will never figure out, mostly because they never reach this breaking point of despair.

"What is that?"

Well, unfortunately, most people aren't able to make the real change they want in their lives unless they are able to find something that is so difficult to overlook, so challenging, that it gives them something to push off from.

"Push off? What do you mean by that?"

It's like floating in a pool. If you're just paddling around in one direction, you'll find it very hard to put on the brakes and come to a complete stop in the middle of the water. To do this, you have to physically flip yourself around, and then start swimming like mad to overcome your momentum and start going in the new direction.

It can be hard and frustrating.

But if you've ever watched a swimming competition, I'm sure you've seen swimmers turn around at the wall when they're ready to start their next lap. What do they do? They use the wall to push off from to get going. Imagine how long it would take if they were to try to turn around in the middle of the pool.

This is just like the process of change.

When you try to do it on your own - without a big motivating reason - you'll find yourself flopping around out there in the water. Which is frustrating, and usually kills all your enthusiasm. As a result: no change.

But if you've got something that's really kicking your ass - like a totally frustrating event that is driving you completely nuts, NOW you've got some real jet fuel for your change.

You've got something to push off from. And any time you lose that motivation, you just think of that event and your teeth start to grind and your fists clench, and you remember that you're not going to be tooled again. You get motivated all over again.

"Okay, I get it. But what does this do for our friend, R.G.?"

Well, this may be one of those defining moments that pushes him to finally take action on something that he's thought of as "optional" for a long time.

The irony is that the solution to this problem he talks about is within his grasp. In fact, it's SO close that it's next to impossible for him to see. It's kinda like having your sunglasses on your head for a while and forgetting they're there. You get used to the sensation, so you don't think to look there.

"Okay, you got me. I'm dying to know what it is...?"

I won't leave you hanging.

It's simply not to try to deny to yourself - or others - that you want women. That's like trying to deny you want air. You'll come up gasping either way, and you'll just look silly.

You can desire women all you like, and look healthier and more stable for it.

This really isn't the problem, though...

It's the inner game of what you're telling yourself about your "not-getting" women.

For a lot of guys, this need to have a woman in their life consumes them because of their desire to have a woman and get sex pushes out all other thoughts, and it becomes a desperate obsession with them to pursue. Then, each perceived failure to get a woman gives them permission to get a little more mad about it, and to turn some of that emotional energy into intense FRUSTRATION.

This feeling grows and spirals out of control quickly because there's nowhere else to put it.

"Huh? I get what you mean about the whole frustration thing, 'cause I know I feel that a lot. But what is the solution? I don't see it in what you're saying..."

The solution is to have more than one outlet for this frustration so that it doesn't consume you like the fuse on one of those Acme bombs in a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.

Did you ever notice how he was so consumed with his pursuit of the Road Runner that he would overlook every other option available? I mean, if he could mail-order stuff from Acme, why the hell didn't he just order some take-out?

It was because his obsession was beyond his control. He only had ONE place to put his attention and focus, and he had no tools to find and divert all that useless frustration.

"Okay, now I'm seeing it. You're saying that R.G. should find the tools to put him back on track in the rest of his life before his mad desire to possess a woman turns into a self-destructive obsession...?"

Hey... that's pretty good.

"Thanks..."

That's exactly it. And you really hit it on the head that it's a desire to POSSESS a woman, which can never really happen. This need becomes so strong because there's a space inside that is not being filled right now, and the biggest disappointment is when you finally get a woman and discover that it can't be filled by her.

"This is why an Alpha Lifestyle is so important, right...?"

NOW you're catching on! By learning the Alpha Man skills that build a man up from the inside, make him confident - quickly, and give him a sense of passion and purpose. And it doesn't take a hundred visits or a year of therapy and counseling.

"This might sound like a silly question, but do you teach these Alpha Man skills?"

Of course, I do. I'm the ONLY one teaching guys this stuff. And you can find out more about them in a second, but let me finish this thought...

"Please go on..."

I've shown guys everywhere EXACTLY what to say - which is the most common thing a guy asks me - 'What do I say when I walk up to a woman?'

I've shown guys everywhere how that works, and I've seen guys everywhere get more information from just about every guru on the planet, but almost none of them use the "opening" lines we gave them.

Why?

Because they're not really looking for what to say. They're really looking for the hidden magic words that will capture a woman's attention, and they don't believe that they are capable of finding them.

They have no evidence, and need to borrow some confidence.

And that's what an opener from someone else gives them. A bit of borrowed confidence.

But that's a topic for another day.

If you want to get out and approach women RIGHT NOW, then just walk up to a woman and say this:

"Hi, I just saw you from over there and I knew I had to come over and say hello. My name is __________. How are you doing today? What are you up to?"

There is nothing about that opener that will not work. It's virtually perfect for response rate and results.

How do I know this?

I've used it for YEARS, and it has never failed me.

"But Carlos, that's not complicated enough! I need something tricky and REALLY clever, because that's what women are looking for, aren't they?"

Uh...

NO. Not at all. In fact, the more you try to be Mr. Clever Guy, the more likely you are to crash and burn.

If you find that you're looking at those words and wrinkling your nose, thinking "that couldn't work for ME..."

Ask yourself WHY this is...

"Hmmmm...."

Because hidden in there is an insight that will probably change the course of your life with women - if you find it.

TO BE CONTINUED...


"Ahhhh! I hate cliffhangers, Carlos! Give me more!"

(Yeah, I hate cliffhangers, too. If you want more information, you can go here to get more: CARLOS XUMA'S CLIFFHANGER ESCAPE CHUTE)

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Saturday, March 22, 2008

First Approach - Field Report

I did my very first approach tonight at a club and it went very well. I opened up with a "Hi, i don't have a pickup line but i wanted to talk to you, what's your name?" which I got from you.

I wasn't Mr. Superseductive guy but i managed to keep the conversation going by asking the questions most wuss guys ask.

"What's your passion?"

"What's your interests?"

Now to be fair, apparently she didn't have ANY interests or any passion. So I ran out of things to say. She didn't seem like a very interesting person.

I don't think it was because of me because I was actually not so nervous due to my boost in confidence from improving myself over the last month or so, so i don't think it was her defenses or so because I was not acting very nervously (I think). She seemed to have a good time talking to me.

However, as you probably know it's the easiest thing in the world to find a guy that is alone in a club, they seem to be EXACTLY EVERYWHERE, but it's a completely different story to find a woman on her own.

They tend to stay in groups, and my problem is that I find it impossible to go up to a group, specially if there is guys in the group as well, I know that I just started, but I was wondering, what's the differences between groups and one on one? How do I get myself to do it?

Once again, thanks for all the help.

Best regards, Victor
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

First of all, high five for just getting in there and approaching a woman. EVERYTHING starts with action, and you took action.

This is important to not overlook.

Second of all, you don't want to be "Mr. Superseductive guy." This is an illusion that we need to somehow be different from ourselves to attract women.

NONONONONONONO.

Third thing: When you run into an uninteresting woman (and there are a LOT of them out there) you have to make a decision for yourself what it means when the conversation runs stale like this.

I know that you didn't ask me about this, but I feel it's necessary to point this out.

Most guys interpret it as being THEIR fault that the conversation dies out and they lose confidence. The REALITY here is that the woman is just not able to keep things going (or chooses not do do so.)

That's when YOU must make the decision for yourself that this is not a person you would find interesting to be around.

You see, a lot of guys give women a free pass based on beauty alone. BIG mistake. Your rule should be that Beauty does NOT get her past your internal bouncer. Just because she has a winning ticket in the genetic lottery does not make her a qualified candidate to play a role in your world.

YOU didn't run out of things to say. It's that you both didn't have a good vibe or chemistry.

Now your next step should be (and this is PURELY for your own self-growth) to find a way to keep things going and bring out her interests. Every woman has them, she's just not working hard to help you.

You want to know what I would say in this situation?

When things start running dry, you simply elbow her gently and say, "Hey, come on, aren't you good in social situations? I know you're not boring. C'mon, tell me what gets you excited in life..."

Gentle TEASING is always the way to go.

Why?

1) If she responds badly, she's got a structured and rigid personality. This means she's NO FUN, and she has NO PLACE in your life.

2) This communicates your playfulness and ability to take the lead. Always an attractive combination.

Now for your question...

The only difference between groups and one-on-one is WHAT YOU'RE THINKING about them.

Let me say that again...

The only difference is what is going on in your head. When you see a woman alone that you want to approach, you think it's no big deal because she's going to be glad that you're coming along.

Well, we all know that a woman being seen alone is a sign of "loser". They do this on purpose - for safety, social perception, and company. It would look really needy and "slutty" for a woman to be out alone in a bar. (Or so the belief goes.)

So your only challenge right now is to overcome this self-limiting belief you have about groups and perception.

Sit down right now and write down all the things you believe about walking up and talking to a group of people. I think you'll be shocked by the results, if you're honest with yourself.

You probably believe:

- They don't want any more people to talk to.

FALSE.

- They would think you're weird if you walked up and chatted them up.

FALSE

The women would laugh at you.

FALSE.

The list goes on and on...

All of the best guys with social skills that I know have no problem walking up and talking to groups.

Why?

Because they really believe in their heart that they can give some value and fun to the people they're about to meet.

I demonstrate how to walk up and open a group of people in my Alpha Lifestyle program. I highly recommend you get this program to complete your INNER and OUTER game. And learn the inner confidence of the Alpha Man.

Get the Alpha Lifestyle...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, March 20, 2008

What Does a Woman Need To Have To Sleep With You?

Hello Carlos,

Hope you doing great. Just had to let you know about my story last week where I got introduced to a girl by a friend.

It all happened on a night where we were in a small social gathering with only me, her and my friend. After half an hour my friend went to sleep and there was only the two of us. I think she is usually very shy and not very talkative by nature so I kept talking just to ease the situation and to make her comfortable. We have been talking for a while when I realized it was quite late but she was still here. I tried to get closer to her to see her reaction and eventually we started making out.

Of course your advice did help a lot. For example I acted confident and seemed to be sure of what I was doing, I was even trying to make her laugh successfully (I guess our sense of humour were similar), Then I had a lot patience before getting into the 'Ahem' situation :).

So [your] three 'S' worked perfectly here: Self-confident, sense of humour and self-control. Oh and I used [your] palm reading trick as an excuse to get closer to her and this is where it started.


My questions are:

(1) She seemed to be very into me that night but was regularly saying that she would not be having sex with me. I took it easy, took a few seconds break and tried again till she accepted. Would she have said that only to test my reaction?

(2) If a girl is supposed to sleep with a guy if she trusts him (most importantly) then why did she do it on the first night she met me and that too only after a few hours? Can that really be enough for a girl to trust a guy?

Keep rocking dude!!

Ranjiv,
Reading, UK
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

This is a common situation with guys that seems illogical up front, but is actually very obvious underneath.

First off, a woman says that sort of thing ("I'm not sleeping with you") for one reason primarily, and it's not to test you. It's her way of establishing in her mind that she is remaining "innocent." Women are culturally and societally programmed to protect their sexuality as their "secret value" to the world. It's her bargaining chip.

(Ladies, if you're reading this and getting angry, I didn't write these rules. I just explain them.)

The one thing a woman used in days-gone-by is her sexuality. It was her unique selling proposal for men that she had to guard. If a man thought she was a "loose woman," it lowered her sexual value. After all, how would he be able to be sure that his children were really HIS if she was the kind of girl who messed around?

Well, in the last few years we've been able to destroy that myth (of the chaste woman who does not cheat) with the discovery that about 10% of all kids are not from the father they think they are.

But it's VITALLY important to a woman's social appearance to her peers and to men that she look innocent.

Think about what the worst insult is to a woman: Slut.

So she will proclaim until the end of the world that she's a "Good Girl."

And her way of maintaining this image to you is to make you believe that she "never does this sort of thing."

And she even denies it to herself, telling herself that this or that sexual encounter "doesn't count."

Now, if you did react badly or impatiently to her saying "not tonight," she would have been turned off in a big way. You would have proven yourself to be just another guy who only wants "one thing."

Game over.

But you did the right thing which was to hold back and chill. Relax and let her feel that she could connect with you, and that you were a confident and patient chap.

You also bring up an equally valid and important point about "trust."

Isn't a woman supposed to trust a man before she sleeps with him? Yes, she does, but not as much as you might think.

There's another ingredient that is more important than trust, and it will make all the difference to you with women.

She needs to feel CONNECTION.

So to answer your question, YES - that's all she needs in order to feel comfortable enough to indulge her sexuality and have fun with you.

In order to understand women, you have to really understand the huge part of reality that is actually a complete LIE.

Here are some facts about women that most men accept as the Truth, but they're not:

- Women are not as interested in sex as men.

Nope.

Women are actually MORE sexual than men.

- Women don't cheat as much as men.

Nope.

Women are just better at keeping it hidden than men are.

- Women need to be your only girlfriend before she will sleep with you.

Nope.

As I told you above, she only needs to feel a connection with you to allow herself to be sexual with you.

So the real riddle that guys need to solve is HOW to get a woman to feel that connection with you. To feel that she is actually FELT and UNDERSTOOD on a deep level.

To really supercharge her feminine identity, and touch her soul in a way that most men will NEVER understand.

That is what I teach you in my Alpha Conversation & Persuasion program.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Monday, March 17, 2008

Should you date women you work with? Or if she is just getting divorced?

QUESTION:

I have a situation that I want to run by you. I have just started your CD's on Secrets of the Alpha Man. First of all these have been very helpful and have opened up a lot of different avenues to me. Thank you!

Ok here is the situation I work with a very beautiful women who has just broken up with her husband. I have to admit that I was using the Beta Male method of trying to be funny and trying to prove my worth to her you know the whole infatuation crap. She only told me and her best friend that they were separating.

My question is this - Since she has just started the divorce process, what possibility do I have of winning her over? How do I over come what I have done as a beta in the past. How do I prove that I am an ALPHA MALE NOW!

Chad H.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS... NOW!:

Okay, I'm going to give you some reality pointers here that are going to be much more helpful than just helping you get what you want.

I'm going to help you with what you NEED.

First of all, any woman fresh out of a divorce is in a whirlwind spiral of confusion and dis-illusion.

Meaning that when a woman gets out of a relationship in which she felt like she wasn't getting what she wanted, she's not going to be in a rush to lock herself into another losing investment. And right now, ALL relationships probably look that way for her.

So unless she got out of this marriage to be with the guy she was cheating on (and I'll bet you she was...) you better watch your own back.

This woman cannot be anything for you but a fling. A little fun.

Which means you win her over by NOT trying to win her over. She doesn't want another guy to burden her down.

Second of all, I'm going to give you the traditional warning about dipping your pen in the company ink. If you're going after a woman at work, always make sure that:

A) You don't work for her in any way...

B) She doesn't work for you in any way...

C) Your corporate culture doesn't condemn this activity...

D) You would still enjoy your job if this woman were to break it off with you and things went really bad.

Because I'll tell you right here and now, no matter what you think at this point, you have NO WAY of knowing how she will behave if your fling doesn't work out. If men could detect the "psycho" or "stalker" thing up front, we'd have written books about it.

Oh, and also remember that NOTHING should interfere with your enjoyment of your career and its potential to provide you with your needed income. ANYTHING that threatens that is to be scrutinized and observed with skepticism.

Ever seen a movie about a crazy relationship gone bad, like "Fatal Attraction" or "Basic Instinct," and you tell yourself, "Man! I'll never do that!"

Oh, you betcha you have.

Look, I've said this before, and I'll say it again until the end of time - There are a million gajillion women out there. So why do we get fixated on the ones we work with and have the most potential to wreck our lives?

For the same simple reason that Jodie Foster figured out in "Silence of the Lambs": We covet that which we see every day.

The allure of a beautiful woman can be thought of as a small infection in your mind. It's up to you to put up the resistance of your mental immune system to keep yourself from wigging out over her.

Always remember: She's JUST a woman!

We men put far too much value on beauty. And we over-value beauty to mean the woman inside must be just as valuable, which is a costly and fatal error.

Remember this, too, because it's something I've learned over YEARS of experience with this kind of woman: There is no such thing as a no-fault divorce.

In other words, BOTH people have made some serious errors along the way to get to this point. It's never just "his fault."

Okay, now that I've got THAT out of the way, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are smart enough to avoid this situation with this woman and you're still going to try. (Or you're just a fool and your little head is thinking for your big head. Either way...)

The reality is that this woman will be in a highly vulnerable state after her marriage is ending, so you must tread carefully. She's also likely to fall into a rebound relationship. I've had more than my fair share of those, so I'll tell you right now they suck.

You see, since she's just getting out of a relationship, her behavior will be very unpredictable as she starts to deal with her inner game issues. She'll be flaky, aloof, sometimes clingy, sometimes cold and distant.

She's got a lot of crap to sort out, whether she realizes it or not.

Don't let her head games play with you!

Simply offer her the opportunity to meet you for drinks or something fun and active. You can tell her, "You know, I realize you're probably going through a difficult time, and you probably need to get out and just have some fun... right?"

Don't offer to be her ear to vent into, or her shoulder to cry on.

In other words, don't be her emotional tampon. She may not intentionally use you this way, but some guys just let themselves be a throwaway.

To be the Alpha Man, you just need to be very consistent with your attention and interest, but don't try to be Mr. Instant Boyfriend.

Get her out and having FUN. That's 90% of her emotional release at this point.

Think: FUN - FUN - FUN!

The next step is to drop any pretense and don't make her feel like she's your exclusive interest. You're just a good-time guy that she can cut loose with.

You need to protect yourself by seeing as many other women as possible, too. And preferably not ones you work with, either.

You need your own emotional buffer against her uncertain tides of emotions and conflict.

This is probably the most important step of all. Without a big dose of healthy self-interest and protection, you're too likely to get tossed out to sea, my friend.

Remember that people work on "evidence theory." We form an opinion and perception of a person based on tiny clues they give us from their behavior. We don't care what people say, and we ignore it.

We only care about what we see them DO.

If you've been a beta before, you better man-up and get your game face on, friend. Your job is not to be an Alpha Man to get a woman.

You work at being an Alpha Man because it's the only acceptable path for any man to pursue for HIMSELF.

Women come second in your life, if that. Your own drives and purpose override all sexual conquests, because that is the stuff that will ultimately attract and keep a woman in the long run.

I've seen too many guys go down the foolish path of getting their game on to get a woman, and then they abandon all their masculinity when they get into a relationship so they can relax and coast for the rest of their lives.

These guys end up being the kind of husband that your woman is divorcing.

Good luck, and stay Alpha!

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Sunday, March 16, 2008

This is how you know you need to drop pickup and work on your inner game...

QUESTION:

Women in UK hate me, know it's only women here because when I went to PickUp101 workshops in U.S. didn't get the same bad reactions that I have had before and since here. Fact that I never get anywhere with online dating, confirms this to be true.

Also went to workshop here and told I shouldn't wear what I was wearing to bars/clubs which I thought I looked good in. Then later that night, women criticised what I was wearing, which hadn't happened before and took it very badly.

How will I have any success if I have these beliefs and reactions?

Am I too old, I'm 45, to ever attract anyone now?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Get ready... it's tough-love time again, mate. I'm not doing this to satisfy ego, or make you feel bad about yourself. (I really don't have that power, anyway.)

I'm doing this to help you break free of some bad thinking that could condemn you to a life of missed opportunity and bitterness.

Let me tell you right now that I highly doubt that women in the UK really have formed a secret group and have signed a secret agreement to hate you.

While that last sentence may sound a bit ridiculous, it's every bit as ridiculous as:

"Women in the UK hate me."

The cultural differences between the US and UK continue to disappear (and is also evidenced by more man-bashing television programming than ever.)

Every time Mulder, Scully, and I go off and investigate one of these dating X-files stories, we come away with the same conclusion: You're looking for a scapegoat.

Sure, it's really easy to say "Everybody hates me" because it gives you a cop-out excuse to give up and cry over your horrible fate in life.

The quick and easy answer makes it all that much sooner you can quit working on yourself and get back to snoozing on the couch and telling all the blokes down at the pub how all women in the United Kingdom hate you.

As far as your age...

45? Too old?

BULLSHIT!

You're looking for another reason to give up and then complain for the rest of your days over a warm beer how you got ripped off in the "life lottery."

Ask yourself this: "Would I rather be 45 and change my ways, or wait until I'm 55? 65? 75???"

What age is going to work for you? Because first of all, you're never going to be younger than you are right now, so age is always irrelevant to the man who stops looking at the clock.

Oh, by the way, I've hung with Lance and Daniel and the crew (from Pickup 101) and I've seen how they approach things.

What probably happened as far as your good results in the U.S. had NOTHING to do with your approach, but with the quality of guys you were hanging out with. When you're around a positive and uplifting group of guys dedicated to the same cause, they'll help you get into good approaches in spite of yourself.

But when you remove that influence, it becomes very easy to fall back on stinking thinking and old faulty beliefs.

It's about the company you keep and kind of environment you immerse yourself in.

By the way, if you read this and got a little pissed at me, that's fine.

There are two reactions a guy has to strong feedback:

1) Get angry, call the person an idiot, and refuse to listen to them because they didn't rub your tummy or whatever you needed to validate your faulty belief.

2) Get your emotions under control, and then coldly and calmly accept that you may be operating from a faulty belief system, and you need a new perspective.

Sadly, most guys opt for #1 and never make any real improvements in their lives because they want to make their ego feel good, and it feels good to have someone you can call an "asshole" because he didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.

When you use #2 - even against the most scathing and angry feedback - you come away with information you can use.

You choose your reaction. Not me.

When a woman criticizes your attire, it's HER problem, not yours. I don't care if you're dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Stop handing over your emotions to a woman to decide for you. If you took it badly, it was your fault, not hers.

When you said that your success with online dating "Fact that I never get anywhere with online dating, confirms this to be true" I confess I just wanted to reach over my internet connection and slap you.

It doesn't confirm anything of the kind! It only confirmed what you WANTED to believe in the first place.

If you keep looking for evidence to confirm your beliefs, you'll always find it. No matter what those beliefs are! That's the effed up thing about beliefs.

You want to dramatically increase your success rate and perception of women?

This one is going to sting a bit...

Maybe it's time to take a break from the bar scene for a while. And then you can focus on making online dating WORK for you. Because it does. It works for every guy that WORKS IT.

That's why I recommend my good friend Grant Adams' program, Net2Bed. Use it. It works.

In answer to your question:

"How will I have any success if I have these beliefs and reactions?"

Answer: You won't. So it's time to change your beliefs and your reactions.

"NO! Carlos! That sounds too hard! Give me a pickup line instead..."

Oh, sure I could patch-fix this sort of thing and tell you that all you need is a new "routine" or a new opener. Or it's your clothes! Yeah, that sounds good. Easy to fix that. I could then pat you on your back and send you on your merry way and hope that you came to this realization on your own.

But we both know that you really want to free yourself from some of these limiting beliefs and behaviors that have you trapped.

And it's not just impacting your life with women, either, is it?

Oh, no. When you are having a difficult time with women, it can kill your success in almost every other area of life.

What if you could fix some of this inner game stuff now?

And what if it was easier than just slapping on a little "outer game" technique to make you a better man - from the inside out?

That's what I show you, man.

Welcome aboard....

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Why Ask Why?

QUESTION:

Why are women so gorgeously, frustratingly contradictory?

Don't listen to their words, watch their actions. Fine. Don't give her what she says she wants, find out what she truly wants and needs and give her these things. Don't be thinking about women all the time, get them to think about you. Have happening things going on in your life and she'll want to be a part of it. Visualize the life you want (incl. if you're honest, the part you might want her to play in it).

Be confident, be light, be serious at the right times, set worthy goals, develop your talents, put your hands up that you were once the Nice Guy and do something about it, make a better life for yourself, achieve, be fun, know how to look her up and down and put her at ease with what your delicious thoughts.

Learn to live with your own imperfections and give acceptance to who you are, while ever seeking to be the best you you can be. Travel, explore, read, enlarge your awareness. Find rapport and attunement with her and let things flow from there, and if she's annoying you or she's up her own arse, just move on.

Say Sorry only at the truly right times, but be humble enough to say it then. Set standards for yourself. Don't make it easy for her; get her to chase you. Don't seek to possess her. Give to yourself, share with others. Do all these things, and more, and, as Louis Armstrong once said, "Look up once in a while" - meaning, say Thank You to your God.

All of this I do. And still I don't quite fully get it with women. Some last thing missing, my brother. While I'm not perfect I'm pretty happy with who I am and the effort put in to make me better.

The work is its own reward. So where to now?

Dan C.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Remember, to many people, a car's engine is a black box. Most people really don't understand how it works, or why it does, but they still drive cars.

Women are the same way. Once you know how to drive the car, the inner workings - the "why?" - is unimportant. Merely act based on your intuitive knowledge of women's behavior.

Why do you need to know "why?"

Why is the Universe?

This is the "logical and rational" part of your mind thinking that if laws bend or flex or even change, they can't be laws.

Think in grays, not black and whites.

Happiness often comes not from the KNOWING - but from the understanding that you can choose the right kind of ignorance in life to enjoy your existence instead of torture yourself and ignore the present moment.

Even if you knew "why," that would only put you on the path of the next why...

And the next...

"Where to" is HERE.

Go find out what's next on your path of discovery and growth...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Carlos on WebTalk Radio

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Why do women dump guys after quick sex?

Carlos,

I just don't get it, it has happened twice in a month, two different women, I started off really well with her, good communication, compitability is there, I don't go gushy mushy with feelings, amazing sex (They initiated the moves) and then all of a sudden they shut me out, no emails, not returuning phone calls, sms, no explaination at all not a single word!

And they fucking do this on the weekend which makes so much more frustrating!!! Now after two calls or sms I give up to preserve my dignity, but this is driving me insane!! MAN HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS!
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Sometimes it's on purpose and real, sometimes it's not.

1. The real problem isn't their doing it as much as how you're taking it. Your first question should be "Why am I this angry and frustrated about this behavior?"

Wrestle the control of your emotions away from other people. They don't have the right - or the ability - to influence them.

2. Try asking them what happened when you do get in contact with them.

Sometimes there is simply no way to predict or control human behavior (as much as we would like to...)

Most often these incidents of flaking out are just a woman's internal defense mechanisms taking over. When a woman has sex quickly with a man, she finds it tough to encounter him again because it reminds her that she might have been a "slut." Even if she was just indulging her own sexual nature.

This is how deep social programming goes.

She felt cheapened and just doesn't want to return to the "scene of the crime." Even if this is all in her head.

Even if you two seemed great together.

Even if you were in a garden of delight whilst pleasuring each other.

In the end, it all comes down to a woman's self-judgment, self-criticism, and self-esteem.

Take heart in the fact that it has nothing to do with you.

In our circle, we call this a "high-quality" problem to have. Most guys are reading this now saying, "You bastard!"

Count your blessings, not your imagined shortcomings.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Why are you so Nervous?

Hi,,I went to a speed dating event, I don't know was it a couple of drinks and obviously some of your tactics, I was really confident and bantered with 2 girls and had fun...

Now I've got response from two girls....the problem is I am nervous how I would pull off on the day when I meet her...I am anxious will I be able to keep her interested and keep the conversation goin coz normally I'm not able to talk for long with girls. help me
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS WITH A HARSH TONE:

Hmmm....

A couple of drinks OR my tactics...

Golly, I'd probably say that in choice between a mind-numbing beverage or my tactics, it's probably my tactics that got you success.

You see, when you feel confident, that really means that you're NOT thinking nervous and needy thoughts, so you perform better.

And you're not thinking those thoughts when you're using a PLAN instead of just winging it and hoping for the best, like most guys do.

The reality here is that you're nervous now because:

1) You're thinking too much. Stop it. Go in the bathroom, look in the mirror and wuss-slap yourself a couple times until your balls drop back down.

2) You're also nervous because you're thinking of "getting" and not "giving" when you meet up with these girls. If you turn your focus away from trying to score, or GET from them, you'll find it's a lot easier to set the dominoes up to fall your way.

If I were to ask you if you could talk with a GUY for long, you'd probably say it wasn't a big deal.

So why is it for you to talk to women?

Because you're making a distinction in your head that you need to make completely different conversation with women then men, which is ridiculous.

Talk to her like a friend at first, and then move forward more directly into conversation that connects and moves into a sexual realm.

Not sure how to do that?

Perhaps you should click here to look at this program to help you...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Carlos Xuma's new Radio Show

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Macking with Your Family

The other night I was out with my nephew. I am 40, but I pass for being in my late 20's or early 30's. He hooked up with this girl, and introduced her as his new wife. I passed by and said thats nice, and paid very little attention to her, but built up my nephews image by saying some great things about him.

A few minutes later, I feel a tap on my shoulder and it is her. She tells me my nephew is kinda creepy, and proceeds to hit on me. At that point my mind went blank. I didnt know how to respond. At that point do I continue to wing for my nephew and attempt to salvage, talk to the girl for myself or walk away and move onto a new group?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Uhh, can you say "awkward"?

That's a rough one.

Here's how I see it: Your nephew is obviously young and has no real game. But it sounds like he's got a good wingman with you.

Here's what you do:

1) Get him one of my programs.

This sounds like a shameless plug, but I would have given my left nut to have all the information I put into the Dating Black Book. That book has over 20 years of dating experience in it. Give him something that will save him from burning out like a wuss-moth on a porch light.

Seriously, man. What kind of uncle are you? :)

2) You don't have to shut down his self-confidence to show him how it's done. You quietly take him aside and explain what happened. The best lesson is often the one that stings a little, but if it's too weird, ditch her, correct him, and move on. There's more fish in the sea. For both of you.

The best thing a wingman can do is to stop a creep-vibe DEAD in its tracks. Stop it before it starts.

And the honorable thing to do is stand by your family.

Women are a dime a dozen.

Being Alpha also means doing the right thing, even if you DON'T get the girl.

Let's be clear - Women aren't the goal here.

Becoming a better MAN is.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

How do you avoid being TOO MUCH?

I am a twenty year old, still a virgin, by choice, not religion, kind waiting till the right girl comes along, my gut instinct has told me no so far, because I'm 20, it tends to be drunk girls throwing themselves at me. I think I'm comfident, I approach women on a regular basis, and enjoy the different ways you can approach them. My favorite is the footnote, you know, start with an arbitrary question then say the important things as footnotes, for example:

ME: sorry miss, could you give me directions to ******

(she gives directions)

ME: Oh yeah, its rude not to introduce yourself, I'm Jeanie, nice to meet you


This seems to work, and get phone numbers, maybe the women aren't prepared for this type of greeting and usually here when a girl knows she is being hit on from the get go, she becomes very defensive.

Anyways, I also help my friends out as a wing man and advisor...

Yesterday one of my female friends said to me, 'why do you always approach them, let them come to you, the reason why you don't get lucky is because you always are looking, you need to be found.' I always said to my friends that the most important rule for this game is enjoying yourself, because the moment you aren't, it will show and you won't be as confident.

Still it got me thinking, the times when I have gotten really lucky was when I wasn't focused on 'a plan' I was chatting with my mates and it just happened.

I guess what I need to know is, how do you be 'the alpha male' without being too much, overwhelming, like a firework in a small room. You seem to make more sense than 'the game' does, so your advice would mean a lot to me.

Oh yeah also I discovered that a clean room really does turn on a woman, funny that!
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

You've pointed out some interesting things in this email that I want to make sure to share with the other guys out there.

First of all, yes, your method of "footnotes" is just a way to sneak in under the radar so you don't raise her alert mechanisms.

Women everywhere are on high alert to "pickup artists" and all the tactics from The Game, so you have to work to appear NORMAL. (How crazy is that?)

Now, you want to know how to be an "Alpha" without being too much.

Here's the thing: Most guys will never even come close to this extreme if they were not this way already.

You see, the only guys who come across as "too much" in the dominant, confident Alpha category are really the ones who were way to aggro and obnoxious in the first place.

And, I must say, not the usual guy who reads this newsletter....

Most guys are worried about being "too much," when they should really be worried about being "too little."

Believe me, when you've reached the far end of the spectrum, you'll know.

And most guys are too hesitant, anyway. If you run around afraid of your own shadow, afraid to turn one or two women off with your potency, you're really falling victim to the trap of letting the outside world shape your experience.

This is the gravest sin.

I'd rather piss a few people off (and believe me, I have...) than run around scared of what other people think of me.

There is no social blunder that you can't recover from. Trust me. The worst you could have to do is apologize if you crossed a line.

And people will still respect you more for having pushed it too far and then admitted your error than if you always look as if you're trying to make everyone like you.

So set off a few fireworks in the room.

Go ahead - Get a little attention.

Be willing to go "too far." It's the only way you'll ever know where the limit REALLY is.

Your friend is also right - in a way. You don't need to always be on the hunt. A truly powerful Alpha Man has a charismatic aura that does attract people into his life.

And if you'd like to know how to socially calibrate yourself and develop this charisma, I strongly suggest you read up on the essential POWER SOCIAL SKILLS by clicking HERE.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men