Dating Advice for Men - QUESTION:
Dating Dynamics DATING ADVICE NEWSLETTER:
This happened before I read your advice column but
inadvertantly did the 'I gotta go see my friends routine' to get
their email...as you say in your letter. To prove it works to your
readers but I didn't even read your letter at that time!
Anyway, I had this cute chick at the shopping center where I work
and after talking to her for a while I asked her what she did and
she said 'I study fashion - or something' I said to her (honestly)
I don't know anything about that..and walked away (I thought that
I wouldn't really have anything in common that she's not for
me). Anyway she also must have picked up on the genuine feeling
that she wasn't up to my level or my disinterest or something..
The next day I walked by her shop, didn't say hello (because I
thought it was waste of time...) and she yelled out to me !hello! to get my
attention and I was trying to ignore her..they are funny...!
Anyway I should have got her email then ..but now... she's going
with some geek from the junk shop accross the way..but better luck next
BTW..the advice about getting their email rather than their phone
number is correct from my experience (you can tell your readers) because for
some reason they won't give you their phone number but .. email they
Weird...but true I believe because they find it (email) non
threatening. Turns off their
Amazing, isn't it? The more disinterested you are, the more they
feel they need to "prove" something and win you over. If you come
on strong, she'll shoot you right down.
A couple of things I'd add to this:
- Yes, you should have gotten her email. At LEAST.
- Then get her phone number.
- Yes, she totally picked up on your apathy.
- No, luck had NOTHING to do with it. Your successes are the result
of pre-meditated ACTION. And so are your failures.
One thing: If you were interested at the start, but now you're just
getting around to thinking you should have gotten her email, you're
way behind. Even if you don't think you'll use it, ALWAYS go for
the number and/or the email. It's a habit that has to be ingrained
in your mind as early as you can.
It's all about OPTIONS. The more options a man has, the more
empowered he is.
Email is the least intimidating option. It also allows you to
interact in a medium that lets you plan what you say a little more.
When you talk on the phone, you give her too many chances to figure
out why she shouldn't go out with you.
Email sneaks by their radar because it comes across as
non-threatening, as you say. This is because it has a very casual
element about it.
(But make no mistake, she still knows what your intent is.)
I recently started to date a really nice chick, she's got lots of
humor and one hell of a body! =) Anyways, yesterday I met her for
the second time at her place to "see" a video. ;-) As the night
progressed I could practically see attraction oozing out of her
more and more. ..and when I felt we had got a connection, I moved
in for the kiss. Nice. ...
Although after I stoped kissing her, she practically jumped on me
wanting more. I just had to hold her off for a bit...
Two reasons; One, keep em wanting more. Two she's a REALLY bad
kisser. :-/ ..some time later it occured to me. Maybe she hasn't
been with so many guys before (if any). I mean, I have kissed alot
of girls, and none has been this stiff and ...mechanical?
It was like she had read a "how to" in cosmopolitan or something.
... and I had to push all evening to get somewere. Sure, I moved
back some to let her "breathe", but only twice the whole evening
did she try to do something on her own.
Ok, the Q's.
First of all... do you think she's going to stay this way for ever
and ever, i.e. that she seldom makes a physical responce to my
actions. Sure she kisses me back and all... but I hope you
understand what I mean. She thought it was nice when I was close to
her with my hands all over her, but she didn't give any back.
...and is there something I can do to change this or should I let
Second, if I am to stay with her. How do I teach her to kiss better
in a nice way? ...cuz, I sence it on her that she knows that she is
a bad kisser, and I dont want to be mean or anything. ...BUT IT
CANT STAY THIS WAY!!!
Third, this doesn't really consern just this girl, but it is rather
a general Q... As I said this was the second time we met, but as
the time ran fast and it got quite late, so I stayed over. And me
beeing a very physical guy slept very close to her, BUT! ...I
didn't feel as if she were ready to have sex just yet, so I didn't
even care to try get some (the reasons mentioned above).
Was this too early to sleep with a girl? ..I made sure that she
wont see me as a friend and all.. but you know, I'm new to the
game, what can I say..?
Class! Pay attention. We are going to cover some of the important
learning points presented in that letter.
1) You got to go to her place on the second date. Nice! Getting it
back to her place is a solid step forward.
2) You went for the kiss. Sounds simple, but most men talk
themselves out of even trying for the kiss.
3) You stopped kissing her first. Excellent! Leave her wanting
more. If only a few men would learn this.
In answer to your questions:
1) She will not stay that way forever and ever -- if you do the
right things to get her to move in. She definitely has an internal
inhibitor that is stopping her from taking action on her desires.
But, in all fairness, IT WAS ONLY THE SECOND DATE. What up, homey?
What's the rush?
If her kissing was that bad, and you can't stand the thought of
kissing her again, much less sneaking into her pants, you might
want to just end it with her now. On the other hand, if your goal
is to get a little more intimate, then you ought to start working
toward that goal. What you're doing now is counter-productive.
2) How can you teach her to kiss better? Get her to slow down.
Don't insult her by saying, "You kiss like a jellyfish." Just
figure out if she's kissing bad because of bad technique, or
because she's not that into kissing you. Some chicks are confused
when they're young, and she might not be FEELING it. Girls rarely
kiss poorly if they're really into it. She's probably nervous, too.
Add to this the fact that you might be her first guy, and you've
got a prognosis of Beginner-itis.
So pull back when she starts getting all sloppy and bad, and just
whisper: "Shhhhhh.... let's go sssssloooooowwww....." I'll bet her
eyes will bug out just from hearing that from a man. Then proceed
to show her by example how you want to be kissed.
Every time she starts doing her old crappy kissing, you stop her
pull back and gently tell her to sssssllllloooowwwww down. Then
resume. There's no reason you can't train her to kiss better, and
then be sure to reap the benefits of that work.
3) It's not too early to sleep with her. It's whenever you want it
to be, and whatever you prefer. Just don't hold back out of fear.
When fear guides you, you're doomed. I will warn you not to get
into the habit of doing the sex-less sleep over thing. It's a bad
habit to start.
You might think "Cool! I can just sleep with a girl and not need
anything!" Which is genuinely good, as you've achieved a state of
BUT you also tread the dangerous ground of not making your sexual
intentions real. In other words, it's an easy lie to start telling
your subconscious - that you want to just sleep with her when you
want more. From there, you might start walking down that road where
Nice Guys run to their doom, and you might even begin to resent men
who sleep with women too early.
This is probably a bit esoteric for this situation, but it's
important for you guys to watch out for this complex and not get
caught up in it. I've done it, and I've counseled MANY others who
have had to be rehabilitated, too.
A woman needs to know that you're a physically safe person to be
around, HOWEVER, you lose your sexual charge by just sleeping next
to her like that. You'll be AMAZED to see just how quickly this
will happen, and how quickly you'll be looked at as a sexless
girlfriend of hers.
As for her restraint ... get over it. Some women hold themselves
back out of guilt, fear, phobia, lesbian tendencies, ignorance -
whatever. You must be prepared to do EVERYTHING. Right down to
taking off every stitch of her clothes, reaching down and ... well,
you get the picture.
She's probably got a thought process that says: "If I don't
initiate anything, than I can't be a slut, and nothing is my
fault." You'd be amazed how many gals start out thinking this way.
You know, I went out in the dating world for years and made a
complete mess of myself and my dates. Kissing badly. Fumbling to
get to first, second, third base ... Not sure how I was suppose to
go for home plate. Not sure if I was being too "nice."
I learned the hard way when women would lose their interest in me.
And, because I had no confidence that I could repeat my success
from the last gal, I'd get stuck in the "better than nothing"
complex, and I wouldn't cut my losses early enough.
Then, I saw what was going on. It became so clear that women don't
want men who just chase around after them like lost puppies. They
don't want "Nice Guys" who give them everything they want. (That's
the problem! Most every guy gives a woman exactly what she SAYS she
But before you go, let me ask you something...
Are you looking to develop a few of the skills that you need to get
dates with women? Not a ton of tricks, or magic hypnosis phrases,
just a few core skills. I've got 'em.
They're not complicated, either.
I cover this and many other topics in my e-books and audio
. If you'd like to learn more about how the REAL players get the women, you can download the information right away.
If you want to get that kind of understanding and control over your
love life, you need to read my e-book
. And you can get the benefits of my best e-books, with an iron-clad guarantee for the next 90
Get my books, the audio
, read them and hear me explain the strategies, and then put it to work for you right away.