I was down in Los Angeles recently, presenting at the Day Game seminar, and I ran into a student of mine with a great story of his development to share. I prodded him into sending this along to me, and I hope it helps you understand something deeper about this quest to improve our game with women.
It's a bit long, but I found it interesting and enjoyable to read...
It has been a week since I met you that I said I would you send you an e-mail in LA. But you know, living the lifestyle of an Alpha Man…time is scarce.
I am a 27-year old virgin who was one of the most timid and insecure people you would meet. I was comfortable living alone and constantly asked myself what I want in life. Do I really want to pursue the opposite sex? Do I want to live on my own and support myself? These questions haunted me for years. To give you an idea I locked myself in my own room in high school. I did my best to try to fit in, but nothing really worked. I have had very few female friends even up to 2007. I have never had a girlfriend or a date.
Looking back, I would say around 2002/2003 is when I started to really notice social interactions take place before my eyes. I would always go places alone. That has never bothered me. But I noticed how men and women interacted. Men approaching girls and the reactions that sparked fascinated me. I would eavesdrop on women sitting beside me (that of course I would never think about approaching) and find out what I thought were good approaches by men, did not go over well.
One area that puzzled me that caused me to find out more and more about is that the girls never laughed at what the guy said, it was the approach that scared them off. Guys coming up way too close, his head hanging down and showing nervous signs, and taking every little bit of shit they through his way so his hopes of ‘impressing’ them was more hurtful then good. More often then not, I developed a novice, but knowledgeable understanding of social theory and social interaction.
Around that time, podcasting became available and I adapted to iPods and iTunes rather quickly. On my trek to gather more and more knowledge about this study, I found your podcast and was blown away with how you sounded like you were there with me on these ‘field trips’ I’d take to observe and study. I had no word to call the man that showed attractive, powerful status until the first time I heard you call him the ‘Alpha Man’. I agreed with the wide majority of what you have taught to millions of men throughout the world. I started to invest into your materials (Dating Black Book
, Secrets of the Alpha Man
, etc..), and continued my own studies with your insight. I was a sponge just taking in as much as I could.
The matrix was opening up before my eyes.
Still, this study had no effect on my actual social encounters. Social Anxiety, Depression, and Approach Anxiety ruined any chance I had to talk with just about anyone let alone women. I felt this brick wall in front of me that prevented me from practicing this art of interaction and what many call ‘Pick Up’ these days.
Honestly, this haunted me. I would go to sleep every night just hating myself and looking back at my poor attempts of approaching. I have been slapped, told to fuck off, laughed at, thrown a drink at, been kicked out of a dating service, given the bird, and taken advantage of with drinks. I did not believe the words ‘What’s the worst she can do?’ It has all happened to me. I can write a book on how NOT to interact with women. But in the meantime, think of a balloon that is filled up with so much knowledge and understanding on how to become the best man I can be, but that air of knowledge can never escape.
In Feb/2007, I broke down into depression which has happened once before. I had no confidence in myself and felt no motivation to carry on life. I did not enjoy much of anything and others around me (work, sports) can see it. As the summer months approached, it got worse and worse. I was taken out of the starting lineup on my baseball team, work started to notice more and more and my life was swimming out of control.
My ambition and pride dropped so far that it affected everything I do. I went to see a therapist and told her about many of the fallbacks that I have had and try to get my life back on track. I felt so guilty because I do have many things going for me and I did not deserve any of the rewards of life because of how I felt about myself. This carried over through the whole summer.
Yes, I admit I was very close to committing suicide on one or two occasions as I started to take anti-depressants which did no good. It was a very scary time. In the meantime, I still studied and saw what I can do. It was like I can see the goal and how great of a man I can be just across the room, but I have no legs to get there.
With all this said, I went to a weekend convention that involved a lifelong sexual fetish of mine in Las Vegas that hosted about 500+ patrons. I went in immediately and started to talk because I knew I was alone and I wanted to try and fit in. I was invited to a party that next day which I was excited about. The next day, I arrive right on time and get too scared to knock or open the door so I retreated to the casino floor. I got the nerve to come back a couple hours later and walked in. They were having fun, but I missed out on a ‘newbie gathering’ that was taken place so all the newbies can meet other newbies.
So now I felt awful. That night, a giant vendor show took place that allowed all of the patrons to interact. I was there for 15 minutes, sitting in the corner thinking I have no business being here. It was a hard moment to take in.
I went to bed last night wanting to end it all. But that little light in the back of my head took control and said ‘No, you need to make a decision right now. Tomorrow night is the big gathering. It is time to suck it up and meet people.’ I had to decide. Luckily I got to sleep and woke up the next morning motivated. I spent the whole day feeding myself positive thoughts. I could not let anything ruin this. My life was on the line here. That night, I had two goals:
1 – Meet someone and party/have some fun.
2 – Find out what else is going on that I can join in on.
I had to approach, and I knew it. Seeing girls form together like I’ve seen for years, I go in and interact. A few minutes into each interaction I ask what is going on for the night. I get flakey answers. Okay, suck it up and move on. No women shut me down. None of them gave me the bird. Something was different here.
I then see a beautiful woman I overheard the night before saying she was from my home state. I finally see her on her own and walk up asking if she was there. It immediately caught her interest and we started to interact. I’m telling you, we had so many common interests, it was like reading from a fairytale. And for the first time in this conversation, I see other guys coming up that myself or her either blocked away from any cock-blocking attempts. The balloon filled with all that knowledge busted wide open. I found out about a party she was going to be at.
Throughout the weekend, I got involved with a group after that night, but never really felt part of the group. That monster was still in me a bit. Overall, it was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. I felt rejected and cut off from 500+ people involved in the same interests that I’m involved in. With the depression I was dealing with, it was a terrible feeling.
So again, that little light in the back of my head started saying ‘Look what you did. You approached more people this weekend then you have in the last five years combined. You had a girl really interested in what you were saying, what an awesome conversation! You can do this, take what you did and LEARN from it.’
I took the next day and traveled home taking in everything that happened and turned it into a positive. After a while, I could not really remember the bad mini-stories that I went through. I felt very confident, very powerful, and ready to take over the world. How did this happen? I stood up to my fears and took every blow. Yet, I’m okay. Nothing bad happened at all. It was all in my head. That little light inside my head exploded into a massive wildfire that kept burning. I believe that conversation with that one girl changed my life.
Since then, I started to practice the art of Pick Up. I already have a very strong knowledge of status and what girls are looking for. It is like I’ve had a 4-5 year head start on everyone else. But of course outer game needs some time to take on. I’ve met some successful and fun guys to wing with in the area and we have become one of the most well-known PUA communities in Southern California.
J the Ripper recruited me after we met in Hollywood and saw what I can do. We are about a dozen guys who go out all the time to practice our game. I am usually the one they will turn to for inner game, social theory, and understanding of how and why Pick Up works the way it does. Feel free to look around SoCal boards and web sites for ‘Casanova Crew.’ I have a very strong social circle now. I’ve met some celebrities and gurus out in the field who I’ve talked about social theory, which helps build my status and inner game . As you can tell, I am only a few months in from practicing what I’ve known for years.
Of course I have my sticking points, I can count getting about 20 phone numbers with no success on setting up dates. Mistakes are being made, and believe me I have had my share of blow outs. But what makes me different from most guys is that these sticking points and blow outs are making me much stronger! It is basically feedback from every interaction I have and I know that instead of quitting.
I will not go back to that life and I see myself as the man I always knew I could be. I can write a list of 500 qualities that I have that any guy would love to be a part of. It is an amazing feeling and an amazing life I am living right now. I post my analyzed feelings from various nights including field reports and articles on many boards. Men from all over the area are contacting me asking to hang out, they are e-mailing me for suggestions and recommendations.
Once I really master the outer game and continue to improve my inner game, I know I can be a legend. I want to be that guy on that stage telling this story years from now once my game is as sharp as it can possibly be. I thank you for filling up that balloon of knowledge and giving me a foundation of understanding that many guys in this field fail to grasp. When I start telling my story to the millions of guys who ask, you will be the name of inspiration that helped me real that elite level.
It was an honor meeting you at the seminar in LA. I told J the Ripper to give me the details of the weekend when I found out you were going to be there, because frankly you were the only reason I wanted to be there. I prefer to gain my experience in the field then in seminars and boot camps.
It was well worth it. Thanks again, and good luck to you.
______________________CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:
There's a lot of information and inspiration in that story, and I hope guys everywhere can see that EVERYONE
has their challenges.
We all have our different problems, but in the end, it's how we face them and manage our fear - and PERSIST
- that really matters.
I don't want to sound like a morality speech at the end of a Star Trek episode, so I'll end it here.
I'd love to hear your comments