Are We Becoming Anti-Sexual?

I just saw a spot on BBC news over here in Greece that highlighted a man's book about the best places in Paris to watch women.

Then they promptly brought on a butch lesbian woman to protest it and call it demeaning to women.

WHATEVER.

God, I love media distortion.

Well, the truth is that if you know what to look for, you won't be fooled by messages like this. They appear often on the television, and if you're not careful, you might think that they're real.

The message goes something like this:

"{news item of lurid and normal sexual content}"

followed immediately by:

"{contrary opinion that might seem sensible if you're not paying attention}"

and finally leaving you with:

"{confusion and more internal contradiction making you feel self-conscious about your natural masculine desires...}"

And you just feel:

"{SHAME}"

Guys everywhere, let's proclaim with confidence:

"We love looking at women! We think about sex! And we don't care if you know about it!"

Now, I'm going back to my vacation here in Greece where I'm looking at all the naughty parts that are supposed to make you feel bad.

:-)

- Carlos

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Cocky and Funny

Hey Carlos!

Thanks for writing the Dating Black Book. It is very well written and I'm on page 400.

However, my experience is this: I see an attractive woman and I get this serious attitude. This is a person an individual that should be respected as such. Trying to be "cocky" or funny seems like a good idea or teasing her seems inappropriate.

Why does this work and why should they respect such an approach?

From Richard in Greenbelt, MD.
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Let's follow my usual 2-prong approach to understanding this question from the inside out.

First of all, there's an inner game side to this and an outer game side to it.

INNER GAME EXPLANATION:

When you first encounter teachings like my "tease to please" concept, the first thing your mind will do is try to stop you from doing it.

1) Because it's different than what you're used to, and that's human nature to resist change.

2) Because your "nice guy" identity is suddenly being challenged.

This is a big one.

You see, whenever you come up against your own sense of what is "appropriate" or not, you are probably running up against your own shame.

That's right.

SHAME.

You see, when you were a kid, you were made to feel guilty and feel less acceptance of yourself if you "offended" or "made" other people not accept you. This is the most common of all self-esteem killers, and yet no one talks about it.

You have to understand that as well-meaning as the people were around you, you got into a dangerous game of "I gotta make people accept and like me." You did this because it's only natural for people to want to be accepted as part of the group.

But when you place MORE importance on other people's concept of you, you run into a situation where you never control your own self-confidence.

Remember what I say: NEVER give someone else the power to make you feel good about yourself. They don't have the right or the skills.

And it's for this reason - that you feel this inner sense of "uh-oh, this might not be 'appropriate' to say to her" - that you MUST actually do it.

Because even if she isn't completely blown away by your approach, you'll still be sending the right message to your subconscious mind that says "I'm a strong man who doesn't need other people to approve of me."

OUTER GAME EXPLANATION:

The reason that this technique of teasing works is because of several psychological factors:

1) By doing something socially "risky," you're telling her with your attitude that you're not another "nice guy" suck-up looking for everyone's approval.

2) By challenging her a little, you set up a positive sexual charge between you and her.

This is called sexual tension, and it's the one thing that most of the "nice guys" never do because they are afraid of disapproval.

But without TENSION - good tension - between you and a woman, there is no charge and no ATTRACTION.

It's the same reason that a battery works. There is a part of the battery that is desperate to get the charge from the other side, and when they're connected, you get heat - or light - or a text on your cell phone.

When everyone is neutral and nice, we're all bored to freakin' DEATH.

She'll respect this approach simply because you are showing something I call SINGULAR ALPHA INDEPENDENCE.

That means that you can stand alone and strong on your own.

And to a woman, this is one of the most attractive things to her.

If you want to learn more about this concept and how to attract women, I suggest you get busy learning my rules of Alpha Man Confidence...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Live... From Greece! It's the Carlos Xuma show...

Hey, I just thought I'd drop you a line from here in wonderful Greece where I'm currently taking a little break from things before I start my next project - a little something on completing your game with approaching women.

It took a hellish 4+10+1 hour flight to get to Mykonos, one of the Greek islands... But now I'm here and LOVIN' IT! I'll be uploading some pictures for you from time to time, and I may even toss up a video podcast while I'm here...

If you're going to be in Santorini or Crete or Athens over the next 10 days, let me know and I'll tell you where to meet me for a drink...!

Stay Alpha and I'll talk to you soon...

- Carlos

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Your Social Status = Depression?

Here's an interesting lecture that a fellow Alpha Brother sent in. It details the correlation between depression and being low on the social totem pole.

It can get a little long and detailed in parts, but it's very refreshing and interesting to hear how social status impacts a person's life.

Go here:

http://www.tvo.org/podcasts/bestlecturer/audio/BL08_Finalist_MarcFournier_031508.mp3

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Are you worried about those "pickup artists?"

Hi Carlos

With the seduction community growing so fast and all it makes me a bit insecure.

Will a woman in a happy relationship cheat?

With all the stories how guys seduces women in relationships it just seems to me that most women can easily become the victim of a seducer?!

Thanks
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

I hear you... A lot of guys are worried that NO ONE is capable of being monogamous or faithful anymore.

Well, the truth is that if you setup the expectations and the ground rules in the right way at the start, you don't have to worry about this.

You see, the real problem is our need to CLING so tightly to one person as being our "one and only." That's a dangerous place to put yourself because it speaks more to our insecurities than anything else.

One thing I've noticed about ALL great Alpha Men and their attitude is that NONE of them are particularly concerned about their significant other cheating on them. Primarily because they know they would have NO problem getting another person to replace them.

I've always felt this way, too.

So when you start off with a "fear focus" like this, you immediately put yourself in a position where the problem isn't what might happen - it's how your mind is already starting to look at it.

This is a very DEEP inner game concept that EVERY man needs to understand.

But as far as this whole "pickup" and seduction thing goes...

NO. You don't have anything to worry about.

Why?

A) Most of the guys are learning scripts and routines with no soul. They have no real
ability.

B) Not all women are dumb, drunk, and stuck in a bar at 2:00 AM. Unfortunately,
this is what most of the real "pickup" centered stuff works in.

C) Very few guys really want to learn how to be Rico Suaves and
"Pickup artists." Most guys want just one good woman.

D) Quality women are smart enough to sense your character and TRUE
Alpha Power. They are not suckered in by hollow acts and mind
games.

Remember, I teach guys how to get QUALITY women.

Not prey on bar-skank.

Instead of worrying about what some other guy with seduction ability will do to you, why not get out there and seduce your own woman, and then keep seducing her for years to come?

THAT is how you keep a woman from straying. Just give her what she wants!

If you'd like to know how to be the kind of man that the quality women want
and don't cheat on, you need to learn the Secrets of Alpha Attitude.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Another guy that just doesn't get it...

I got this interesting email from a reader recently:
______________________
Carlos you are a social nerd. your words are the social downfall of men. knowing this stuff takes experience not book smarts.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Okay, now if you lived in this guy's world, you'd be the one asking HOW to get experience and some skills under your belt, and he'd tell you, "Oh, just go out and get experience..."

You ever get experience driving a car without someone who taught you HOW it worked first?

Yeah, it would be like something out of Grand Theft Auto. Body counts higher than the Vietnam War.

Social nerd?

DAMN STRAIGHT, cochese!

I'm a nerd tearing this shit apart so you guys can get the a-ha moments BEFORE you wind up social chaos. The fact of the matter is that when someone tells you to just go DO IT without being able to teach you some basic skills, he's just copping out on his own ability to help his fellow man.

Sink or swim, he laughs as he walks away from the pool you're madly paddling to stay afloat in.

How motivated is a guy to go out and get experience when he has trouble staying above water?

Yeah, uh, not very.

Look, the bottom line is that I HELP men. And I always tell you to take the learning you get from me and put it to use right away.

And if you don't believe I help guys in the best way possible...
Go look here: Read the Wall of Belief

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

How To Stay Sane In The Crazy World of Love

I got this article from a student who wanted me to share his story with you. It's important to read because of the implications it may hold for your life.

We don't often think about just how damaging certain influences can be until the damage is done.

Thanks to Buddy for his story...

______________________

The Authentic Life
By : BuddyLove


I was plagued with bi-polar disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ( OCD ) for many years . There is no 'one' cause for these two disorders.

In my case however, I am certain that I know at least one of the causes.

By the way, I have never taken any medication or see a doctor/psychiatrist to this day for my previous conditions.

I didn't seek professional help when I was going through those experiences because I didn't know that they were disorders that can be treated ( or at least brought under control )

Through trial and error ( and some information here and there ), I got myself out of it and can say confidently today that 'I' have gain mastery over these conditions.

I did not get these two disorders simultaneously.

I was a VERY committed evangelical/charismatic christian. My zeal, passion and commitment was equal to none.

I am not anti-christian. I am fully aware of its benefits and I respect anyone who is a christian or followers of buddha, judaism or you simply follow the hawk.

But I am also fully aware of certain doctrines ( teachings ) and practices in Christianity that could be harmful to psychological, emotional and finally physical health.

Ok, one of the benefits of christianity is that it provides a certain amount of comfort and group support in troubled times.

But one of the most psychologically and emotionally damaging doctrines of christianity is its system of rewards and punishments. Yes, I am aware of the teachings of grace, mercy and forgiveness.

Nevertheless, to a young and inexperienced mind the system of rewards and punishments are too much too handle. It is sometimes too much for adults as well. Granted, sometimes doctrines in themselves can be misinterpreted by the inexperienced and the unskilled.

In the area of practice, the most potentially damaging 'activity' that a person can engage in is in the so-called ' letting go and flow in the spirit '.

If you are/was in the charismatic/pentecostal tradition you would know what I mean.

In this practice, christians are encouraged to let go of their minds and emotions and allow the holy spirit to 'lead' them. Which quite often means ' speaking in tongues ' and allowing the emotions and imagination to run wild.

This is a recipe for disaster in the long run. As I have discovered.

Herein lies one of the major cause if not the only cause of my previous bipolar/OCD.

Bipolar/OCD that is religiously inspired is that much more potent and deep because we all know that NOTHING in the entire universe can fire up the mind and the emotions as religious convictions can.

For 2 to 3 years of my new and exciting christian life all was good. The church members showed lots of love to me.

Then, reality kicks in. The hype of religious, psychological and emotional mania begins to show some cracks. It wasn't sustainable. It can't be.

I began to have 'sinful thoughts' and committed some 'sins'. It was psychologically and emotionally torturing me as I kept on compulsively asking forgiveness from god.

In due time I fell into depression.

Then I would get 'recharged' back in the church and ' fall from grace again ' .

It was a vicious cycle. I could not maintain the pace. And finally the superstructure of religious activities and zeal that I have built over the few short year crumbles.

I was in deep depression. I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me alive was the fear of ending my life.

Then I began to find myself becoming obsessive and compulsive over the smallest issues that others would find negligible.

I would need to make sure all the electricity appliances in my room and house were properly switched off when I need to go out. I felt the compulsion to check and re-check ( many times over ) that all was in place.

I do that with regards to my car lights, the door to my house, to whether I have parked my car correctly and perfectly in the center of a parking space AND MANY MORE.

It was absolutely CRAZY. I KNEW I was excessive. But there was a COMPULSION in me that goes beyond logic and good sense.

It was like being torn in many directions in me. One direction wants me to be normal like everyone else and have a life. And the compulsive-perfectionist direction would seek to overpower me and stop me in my tracks so that I would attend to the smallest detail so that it would be ' perfect '.

Then the crucial turnaround came when I noticed that non-religious people around me and a far can or is living a happy and a fulfilled life ' without god '. I saw that life does not necessarily need to be TOTALLY defined by a religion.

I was at once curious and hopeful. I searched, inquired and explored. I was as it were plunging into the depths of the foundations of human experience once more but this time with some glimpses of hope to search out the life line that could pull me out of this rut.

I was opened to reading anything on personal development, philosophy, hypnotism or whatever.
I experimented with meditations, physical exercises and other popular techniques in the market.

This was also the period that I stumbled into Carlos Xuma's website and his system of personal development which of course is tailored quite specifically for making yourself more attractive to women.
Having said that, I discovered that certain principles in Carlos' system is applicable for general living whether it be in business, family or neutral social interactions.

One particular principle or idea in his system is to cultivate an Alpha Man Lifestyle. Its a LIFESTYLE. Its not just about learning some techniques to get by on a weekend outing.

When it is a lifestyle then change have to happen at a deeper and more fundamental level.
He teaches the mindset of the Alpha Man. ( ...try out his program )

Through applying some of Carlos' ideas, ideas from other experts and some from myself I have not only see myself gradually coming out of deep depression but have been seeing some successes in terms of attracting women also.

Through a decade of intense and devastating internal turmoil and having come out of it, I have come to recognize and know ( not at an intellectual level ) the foundations of human happiness and fulfillment ( It is not women ).

Day by day and moment by moment my foundations are getting more certain and solid.

When you realize what this foundation is all about, you will also be able to lead a fulfilled life of YOUR choice. ( women's mood swings will look like peanuts then ).

You will NATURALLY be alpha not only in terms of your social life but life in general.
You will not only be attractive but also magnetic because there is a presence about you.

I have begun to see what this presence can do to the people around me. Sometimes I am not even aware of it. Coincidently ( or not ), this is THE element that make authentic politicians, movie stars, industry leaders influential in what they do.

When you have this, it doesn't matter what techniques you choose to use ( or non at all ) as far as dating life is concerned.

Women will sense intuitively a solidity and authenticity about you.

This is the secret of the so-called naturals who attract women naturally.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men

Article on Gary Coleman...

So I got this link from a fellow Alpha Brother out there, and I thought I'd share the article with you.

Read this and my comments:

Newlywed Gary Coleman brings marital woes to `Divorce Court'
By SANDY COHEN, AP Entertainment Writer

The honeymoon is over for Gary Coleman and his new bride.

The 40-year-old actor and his 22-year-old wife, Shannon Price, are set to appear on TV's "Divorce Court" on May 1 and 2. The couple wed in August after meeting on the set of the 2006 comedy "Church Ball."

Among the problems the pair discusses with Judge Lynn Toler are Coleman's anger and intimacy issues. Coleman and Price agree they have "ugly" monthly fights.

"If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does," Price says, according to a transcript of the show obtained by The Associated Press. "He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too."

Coleman says he gets frustrated because "the male is always the bad guy."

"When I try to state my case or explain things to her or try to get her to understand my point of view," Coleman says, "my point of view doesn't matter."

Price also complains that Coleman has no friends and inexplicably disappears from home in the middle of the night. When Toler presses him, Coleman admits he is negative.

"I don't have any friends and don't have any intention of making any," he says. "People will stab you in the back, mistreat you, talk about me behind your back, steal from you. And they're not really your friends. (They're) only there because you're a celebrity or because they want to get something from you."

Coleman went on to describe the couple's private life as "mediocre."

"It's not her fault," he says. "I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. ... There are days I don't even want to get up."
______________________
CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Well, Gary, you whiney little bitch, it's time to wake up and get back in the game of life.

No woman wants a negative, bratty, whiney, selfish, loner of a guy.

Gee, I just can't imagine why...

Can you?

Go figure.

The lesson is simple: You can live your life as a pissy little recluse of a (cough) man, crying about how everyone's out to get you, or you can grow a pair of testicles on your body and get back in your no-career life and just add something to the fabric of the world instead of living off the royalties of a lame television show from the 70's and 80's.

Sorry, man. Not much pity here for you.

Life's a bitch, and then you go to the bank and cash a check for doing next to nothing. After 40 years, you still have a lot of growing up to do.

Give to the world, and stop hoping that everyone else will coddle your petty insecurities.

As Winston Churchill said:

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men