QUESTION FROM A READER:
I’ll ask you a question about Alpha man behavior, especially since you are a martial arts instructor. I’ve joined a
martial arts school recently and have taken about 5 classes so far.
If a guy that is a real hot head gets in your face, insults you, and raises his voice at you, should you automatically fight him? Should you match his tone of voice, and get pissed yourself, throwing insults back at him, and pushing him in the chest, which is the almost universal form of male aggression leading to a fight? Or try to deescalate the situation verbally?
That is definitely showing disrespect, and I know that disrespect is totally unacceptable. I need a better idea of when to entertain the idea of fighting, and when not to. I’m thinking tha if I try to verbally talk him down, he may think I am a wimp and afraid of him, and totally lose respect for me. I know that if I got in some guys’ face, he’d prolly want to kick my ass. I also know that fighting has repurcussion, but I want to know how to get and keep respect, even when a dude tries me like this.
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
The first thing your sensei should teach you is that non-violence is the best measure. Remember the words from Kung-Fu, that TV show from the seventies:
“Avoid rather than check. Check rather than hurt. Hurt rather than maim. Maim rather than kill. Kill rather than be
killed. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced…”
The only time you fight is when A) you have no choice, and B) You know he’s going to throw a punch. Then you strike FIRST.
The only way you get experienced at B is by feeling out people’s energy, and it’s not something that most can do.
They’re leading very insulated lives (insulated emotionally) and prefer the blind aggression to the real deal.
Remember that Martial Artists tend to be driven by ego more than ability. They put themselves in harm’s way far too
often because they just got their “blue” belt or some crap like that, and they endanger themselves and everyone around
them.
The best approach is learning how to verbally disarm someone. I teach my students this, and my Sensei taught me this as well. You have to learn how to talk someone down out of their rage inspired moment of assault.
Why?
Because if that jackass has a shim or a knife on him, or even a gun, you know that no karate in the world can stop a
bullet. You might be able to disarm them of a weapon, but don’t count on getting away without bloodshed.
That being said, you do not escalate verbal confrontation. You have to tame your anger and learn how to VERBALLY SPAR. You have to learn how to manipulate conversation and defuse these guys.
You learn how to defend yourself physically… so it stands to reason that you better learn how to defend yourself
verbally, too.
The way that you show that disrespect is unacceptable is by not accepting it, but not by throwing punches or returning in-kind.
You simply say something like, “Now why would you say something like that? I thing you’re a pretty cool guy. I don’t
understand why you want to disrespect me like that when we’re having a perfectly fun conversation here. Why is that?”
Watch how Richard Dreyfuss does this in “Stakeout.” He talks down a drunk angry guy with just a few confidently placed actions and words.