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QUESTION FROM A READER:
I’ll ask you a question about Alpha man behavior, especially since you are a martial arts
instructor. I’ve joined a martial arts school recently and have taken about 5 classes so far.
If a guy that is a real hot head gets in your face, insults you, and raises his voice at you, should
you automatically fight him? Should you match his tone of voice, and get pissed yourself, throwing
insults back at him, and pushing him in the chest, which is the almost universal form of male
aggression leading to a fight? Or try to deescalate the situation verbally?
That is definitely showing disrespect, and I know that disrespect is totally unacceptable. I need a
better idea of when to entertain the idea of fighting, and when not to. I’m thinking that if I try to
verbally talk him down, he may think I am a wimp and afraid of him, and totally lose respect for me.
I know that if I got in some guys’ face, he’d prolly want to kick my ass. I also know that fighting
has repurcussions, but I want to know how to get and keep respect, even when a dude tries me like
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
The first thing your Sensei should teach you is that non-violence is the best measure.
Remember the words from Kung-Fu, that TV show from the seventies:
“Avoid rather than check. Check rather than hurt. Hurt rather than maim. Maim rather than kill. Kill
rather than be killed. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced…”
The only time you fight is when A) you have no choice, and B) You know he’s going to throw a punch.
Then you strike FIRST.
The only way you get experienced at B is by feeling out people’s energy, and it’s not something that
most can do. They’re leading very insulated lives (insulated emotionally) and prefer the blind
aggression to the real deal.
Remember that Martial Artists tend to be driven by ego more than ability. They put themselves in
harm’s way far too often because they just got their “blue” belt or some crap like that, and they
endanger themselves and everyone around them.
The best approach is learning how to verbally disarm someone. I teach my students this, and my
Sensei taught me this as well. You have to learn how to talk someone down out of their rage inspired
moment of assault.
Because if that jackass has a shim or a knife on him, or even a gun, you know that no karate in the
world can stop a bullet. You might be able to disarm them of a weapon, but don’t count on getting
away without bloodshed.
That being said, you do not escalate verbal confrontation. You have to tame your anger and learn how
to VERBALLY SPAR. You have to learn how to manipulate conversation and defuse these guys.
You learn how to defend yourself physically… so it stands to reason that you better learn how to
defend yourself verbally, too.
The way that you show that disrespect is unacceptable is by not accepting it, but not by throwing
punches or returning in-kind.
You simply say something like, “Now why would you say something like that? I thing you’re a pretty
cool guy. I don’t understand why you want to disrespect me like that when we’re having a perfectly
fun conversation here. Why is that?”
Watch how Richard Dreyfuss does this in “Stakeout.” He talks down a drunk angry guy with just a few
confidently placed actions and words.
QUESTION FROM A READER: SORT OF…
Here’s the first email from this guy:
“I disagree with your definition of a Alpha Male. The term represents the ancient archetype of the
leader of small tribes and family’s from our caveman days.
It isn’t some nice guy running around in modern society. And for you to say he lacks aggression???
WTF Carlos. That is totally erroneous. Look at the history of the alpha male as being the most
aggressive of males. That is why nature selected him to lead and dominate.”
And here’s his second email:
“what your portraying is a Real Man not a Alpha male. You should rechange your email to reflect
this. Your list of criteria has nothing to do with the real archetype of the alpha male.
Who was agrgessive, clever, cunning, vicious and most of the things you said a alpha male was not.
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:
I get this a lot.
There are a lot of guys who love to challenge my expertise and knowledge. Apparently, in their
little village, they’re the experts on this sort of thing.
The interesting thing is that if someone knows so much about a topic, why do they spend so much
effort to poke holes in someone else’s work?
Too much insecurity and time on his hands.
But I want to address what he talks about because there is some confusion here.
First of all I’m redefining the Alpha Man. (DUH. That’s why I capitalized it. And the term is Alpha
MALE when referred to in scientific terms.)
The Alpha Man is aggressive, but not overtly and not in a warlike, animal fashion.
You see I’m not trying to elicit men to revert to primal behavior here.
I’m trying to get you guys laid. Not in a gang war.
Some guys just don’t get that while we are MEN deep inside, we have EVOLVED.
That means that downright aggression is going to be viewed as BAD.
This doesn’t mean that I’m not willing to fight for what I believe in. In fact, I think that most
guys out there would rather avoid a confrontation. But you have to learn how to use that anger and
aggression to FUEL your forward progress.
Am I making sense here?
Let’s move on.
Now, he does have a point that the ARCHETYPE has these traits. Again, I’m not going to waste my time
(and yours) by beating this example to death. Even though we need to emulate some of these caveman
behaviors, we don’t need to actually get big foreheads and drag our knuckles, now do we?
(If you’re interested in what archetypes are, I suggest you study a little Carl Jung. He studied
that there are symbols and examples in our lives that are standard, no matter what culture you are
from. It’s interesting stuff. Might even make great conversation on a date.)
Now as for other Alpha traits, I never said that Alpha Men (again, not “Male” – I’m referring to a
MODERN Alpha) were not clever or cunning. In fact, in my e-book I explain this very thoroughly. The
one trait a modern Alpha Man MUST have is the ability to out-THINK his enemies. Muscle is no longer
the rule of the day.
In fact, it never was.
If brute force were all we needed to assure our survival, we’d never have gotten any smarter. It
just so happens that intellect and wiles are much more important than physical power.
The true Alpha is able to manipulate social situations with ease.
That’s why more women are Alpha than we might give them credit for.
So what you have here is a misunderstanding, probably.
This guy thought I was referring to the ideal Alpha Male, not my own modern Alpha Man. He probably
was busy with this encyclopedia looking up all this great new terminology.
What he should have been doing was reading MY book… 🙂
If you want more Q&A, I suggest you go check out my Blog right now. I’ve got a ton of new
information there for you, and it’s updated pretty much every day.
But before you go, let me ask you something…
Are you looking to develop a few of the skills that you need to attract women? Not a ton of tricks,
or magic hypnosis phrases, just a few core skills. I’ve got ’em.
They’re not complicated, either.
I cover this and many other topics in my e-books and audio. If you’d like to learn more about how
the REAL players get the women, you can download the information right away.
If you want to get that kind of understanding and control over your love life, you need to read my
e-book. And you can get the benefits of my best e-books, RISK FREE for the next 90 days.
Get my books, the audio, read them and hear me explain the strategies, and then put it to work for
you right away.
I’ll be back with more advice soon …
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