Dating Advice for Men - How to Approach Women, Attract Women, and Meet Girls


What Every Man Should Know... About How ToAttract Women and Get More Dates

- Carlos Xuma

I was with a yummy redhead on a date a while back, and we were talking while getting cozy at a bar here in San Francisco. I told her something about herself, and she obviously ate it right up. When she was done digesting what I'd said, she leaned back and told me to say it again. I hesitated, my lips near her ear, and then I said "No." She looked at me with a completely pleased smile and said, "Good! You don't just do what I say."

Do you guys hear that? That's INCREDIBLE validation, right from her mouth that she was A) testing me, and B) She DIDN'T want me to do whatever she said. In other words, she wanted me to be a MAN.

Later, when I dropped her off at her apartment, and after having had a hot kissing session before I told her to go in, she told me, "I don't know what there is about you, but I'm interested. All I know is, you're not just a friend." I asked her what she meant, and she said, "You know, when I meet a guy, I know right away whether he's just a friend or if there's something more."


She's one of the few women I've ever hung out with who was hip enough to herself to admit these things aloud.

Now, her last statement leads us into this week's question ... This one's long (and I edited it down), but be patient, because I think a lot of you have had this happen to you. One time or another in your "Nice Guy" phase...


First off, I recently purchased the dating black book and it's a masterpiece. I've still got a alot to read but the insight it's given so far (not even half way in) is more than worth the price.

A few weeks later ... I thought I'd drop in and visit this Russian girl. She was there, but she actually had the night off. .. so I invited her to come back to the party with me. We had some great conversation and she was touching me quite a bit although, I kinda got the impression that she thought of me as a player. End of the night (4am) we decided it was time to go home. We hugged and I put her in a cab. I never asked for her number because I got the impression that this girl had some baggage.

So basically for the past few months I've been seeing her at her work place once or twice a week after the bar (when I'm a bit buzzed) and we've been hanging out. This has progressed to her hanging out at my place late night after her work to her sleeping over with me in my bed, but get this - all we do is cuddle! None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on. She opened up to me one night and told me that she was in an abusive relationship and I think it screwed her up big time in the trust department.

We hang out in the day sometimes and we have a great time. She loves to walk so we do alot of that. Other times we'll just rent a movie and she'll always snuggle up to me or lie on my chest. I'm always joking around with her and she laughs her head off. I tease her quite a bit and she loves my sense of humor - she's said it's exactly what she'd want in her ideal man.

She's also told me that she finds me to be good looking. She knows that I date 2-3 times/wk and if the phone rings while she's over she always wants to know who it was. She's not seeing anyone right now, but sometimes she'll make it a point to tell me about some interesting guy who stopped by her work without going into any detail.

This girl is a model part-time and she's pretty damn hot so that doesn't help things either. What the heck do I do with this? She's moving away at the end of the summer. Can I get some action before she goes or should I just cut off the sleep overs and forget about her? I really do like her, but I'd never tell her that. I'm not sure that I'd want to date her (although it already kind of feels like we are sans action), but we could definitely have more fun.

Not even sure how this happened. This is bizarre because I've never just "slept"(literally) in the same bed with a girl(a hot girl no less). Is she just playing with me?

She has a 4-day modelling/acting shoot in Montreal (about a 2 hour car ride). Should I go with her? I'm leaning towards a yes because I know we'd have a really good time.

Confused as all heck


Alright, I’m going to get real with you on this one, because there are a lot of areas to clear up. Get scrubbed, because we’re going into the dating O.R. (operating room, for you non E.R. watching fools... like me...)

1) If you get the vibe that a girl has baggage – YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT!

Most guys have decent baggage-radar, but they choose to ignore the massive “ping” signals they get. Remember that there are pros and cons to these women. The only real "pro" is that she's probably got bruised self-esteem, and you might score based on that alone.

But that's a bit vulture-ous, and I would avoid the possible aftermath. The big "Con" to this situation is that she's got issues, and that means she'll monkey with your head and wind up spinning YOU around to the tune of her games. (And she has, my friend.) Abusive relationships have turned this girl into a HEAD CASE. Sometimes also known as DAMAGED GOODS. She feels inadequate and unworthy.

2) You say: "None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on." Well, DUH! Yeah, neither can I! What's going through that head of yours? She's basically turned you into her sex-less little girlfriend.

She can weep on your shoulder, use you for bed and breakfast and pretend like she's all jealous when you've got another woman interested in you, but basically what she's got is you wrapped around her finger. Don't tell me - you're not getting any from the other women you're dating either, primarily because this hot one takes up all your mental bandwidth. "But I want her..." he says to himself all the time.

3) Early on, you got buying indicators (touching, etc.) but you chose to ignore them. When you failed to take action on those, her female mental processes started switching you off as a sex-buddy and you were starting to be thrown into that "friend" bin.

She says you're "good looking"? Great. That's the consolation prize every woman who won't put out likes to give. Not that you're probably not, but she's just trying to tell you that in some way, her damaged psyche is telling her that she has issues in her self-worth. Women who are broken this way often like to edify men and then refuse themselves the ones they try to convince themselves they SHOULD want.

Bottom line:

She's not feeling gut-level attraction for you. She hasn't since that first night when you needed to keep moving in. (Read my article on Always Advancing Your Assault.)

I was going to advise you to go ahead and just bust a move on her and move in, no excuses. Either get what you need with no shame, or boot her the hell out. Enough of this walking the fence crap. If you're looking for some sex, hit it and quit it. Time for her to choose which team she's on.

But I think the more important step for you is to cut her off and move on. Ultimately, that will have the most validation and positive impact to your nervous system. You're starting to slide down the slippery slope of wimpiness, and I want you to gather some of your confidence back.

Sometimes the best way to do that is to cut off someone who's damaging to you. Regain some of your pride and self-confidence by proving that you can TURN HER DOWN.

If you don't you're going to start reinforcing an image of yourself that says that 1) this treatment is okay, and 2) You can't do any better.

This is a dangerous fork in the road, my friend. I've been there myself, and I've seen others come to it. To the left is "Nice Guy"-ville. This is where your masculinity evaporates, and your once-happening sex and dating life with it.

The media and sh*tty romantic comedies have almost convinced you to go over to this dark side. Pretty soon, you'll believe that men are really bad - they abuse women, and start wars, and rape women, and damage the environment ...

To the right is your possible route to being an Alpha Male again. You don't capitulate to women.

Here's your prescription:

First, stop the sleepovers.


Don't date her. If you don't stop this now you're going to wind up as one of those sorry case examples that I end up using to correct another situation. Instead, be the good example that corrects his situation and gets back in the game. Reclaim your balls from her and get to it.

Next, re-read the section of The Dating Black Book where I talk about "Trust" and the Therapist Trap.

Do NOT go with her on this trip. You said you think you'll have a great time? Does this sound like a "great" time to you:
- She continues to use you
- You don't get any sex
- Your balls progressively inflate and turn blue
- And you don't get any other kind of connection with a woman that can give you what you want because you're too busy playing Tom Hanks to her weepy dysfunctional Meg Ryan.

Every minute you spend with Ms. Cuddles is another minute you aren't getting what you want. She's turned into your pet project. You're thinking you can turn her around, or still get something out of this, after all, you've sunk so much effort in this far...

Ask yourself: How much longer are you going to accept losing?

Remember the ultimate loser affirmation: "Yeah, I know, but..."

BUT what?

Get out! Do you have any idea how many reasonably SANE and attractive women there are out there who WILL have sex with you and give you the complete package?

If you did, you wouldn't be in this situation.

'Nuff said, homey.


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Dating Advice for Men: How to Get a Girlfriend
Dating Advice for Men: What Women Want
Dating Advice for Men: Pickup Lines
Dating Advice for Men: How to Talk to Women
Dating Advice for Men: How to Be a Player by Being REAL

"Carlos Xuma is the nation's leading personal dating coach, and professional dating agent. Recognized as the world's premier dating authority, Carlos' date-coaching and skills work for single men everywhere. If you use sites like,,,, and other online dating sites, Carlos' dating advice can help you succeed like never before. Even better than what a dating agency could ever offer you, Carlos' advice, products and ideas turn you into your own matchmaker, and will double your dating success whether you seek a relationship, romance, or the love of your life."


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