Monday, January 07, 2008

Does a Woman Need You to Fix Her Problems?

Hey Carlos,

In the Alpha Rules, you talk about how an Alpha man fixes things, including women's problems.

But in the past, you have said that women talk just to talk, and that they don't want a man to fix their problems. That they get mad and resent it when he does try to fix their problems.

This seems like a direct contradiction and confuses me. Can you please clarify this for me?


Ah, yes. When we talk about how women want things, there will always be dilemmas like this to confuse you.

Women are like a Zen koan. They may seem contradictory, but that's because things are not black and white in real life.

Women do like to talk just to work through their emotions, but that is a very specific form of talking that is also a specific situation.

Remember, Grasshopper, not all women will respond the same way all the time. You have to be willing to recognize that sometimes you'll have to "feel out" the situation and trust your instincts.

When a woman is emotionally venting about something that is bothering her, this is where you just let her talk to talk. She doesn't need you to resolve everything for her (which is how most guys make their first mistake, thinking that she needs a rescuer right then.)

If she's complaining, let her complain. Let her vent.

Women use talk as their own inter-personal therapy (which more guys ought to leverage). Guys take most of women's talk WAY too seriously.

BUT there is another side to this, and that is when you see that a woman does need a man to step in and fix things on occasion.

The key is to recognize WHEN to do it and when NOT to.

If a problem is resurfacing for a woman on a regular basis, you can bet that she needs some help with it. If you hear a situation come up more than once, you should consider it an area of concern.

You don't just jump in and grab the wheel away from her, though. Rather, you ask her if she'd be "interested in a little advice."

(In fact, I often "change my mind" about giving the advice to see if she is really into hearing it. If she is, she'll press me for my insights. If not, she'll let it drop.)

And then you can present a solution for her to use.

However, one of the manipulative games we play is when we offer our "help" to someone, not to genuinely HELP that person, but to subtly manipulate them, or satisfy our own needs for recognition and attention.

(I cover this EXTENSIVELY in my new program: Power Social Skills. Click here for more info...)

Something else you should be aware of:

Don't get attached to the thought of her actually using your advice. It's been my experience that guys will get all pissy if she doesn't actually do what you tell her she oughta do. Don't be surprised if she says it's a fantastic idea and then proceeds to do absolutely nothing.

If you actually NEED her to DO exactly what you say, then you're being controlling, not compassionate and guiding. And then, yes, she will resent your intrusive problem-fixing. And it's unlikely that she's going to ever take your advice if she suspects that this is where you're coming from with your solutions.

On the other hand, if you can chill and present her with a solution, and then step back and let it go, you might see her use your advice.

But if she doesn't, don't get all "I told you what to do!" on her. That's another way to disconnect from her and push her away.

You see, women only resent men that try to fix their problems if that man is trying to do it with his EGO.

If you can let go of your own need to get your ego stroked and you can keep a calm distance from her problem, she may be interested in hearing it.

Start by hearing her out and then checking in to see if she's solved her problem. If it keeps going, that's an opportunity to offer some guidance. As long as you don't come from a "I know best" ego-boy posture.

Make sense?

When you're in the right mindset, not needing to "adjust" her life to make you feel good about your own, you'll find women are most responsive to you.

If you'd like to know a little more about this mindset, you can read more here...

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men


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