Monday, December 31, 2007

When She Starts Being Your Therapist...

Hey Carlos,

My wife has been starting up some really deep discutions recently. It's basicly been revovling around, me, not wanting to have a baby. Then even deeper to my parents, and my chidhood, on why not.

I actually felt like I was at the table with my dad getting lectured about responsability, commitment, and how much I need to grow up. I eventually shut down ( just like back then), which I don't think was the ALPHA thing to do. We eventually stoped, but I can still tell that this is not over yet.

Would you please teach me some guidlines for talking about feelings and the such?

How can I control the conversation better, and be able to really end it, when I'm not wanting to talk about it any more?


This is a pretty broad topic, and obviously not one I can answer in a blog or email.

You're right that "shutting down" is not a very good way to handle it. The Alpha Man understands his feelings, but he doesn't need to live his life through them or be victimized by them.

Think: Awareness.

My first recommendation is this:

1) Be more assertive and stop reacting to her demands to go into "therapy" mode.

And tell her that word for word. You decide how healthy you are, don't fall into that trap with her. A lot of women start to deep-dive into your childhood to figure you out and diagnose you.

Hell, even if there are problems, I can guarantee you that she is NOT qualified to start picking around in your head. Don't allow it!

She means well, but she's got no business there.

2) Perhaps consider a moderated environment with a marriage counselor (and choose a good one - there are a lot of sketchy ones out there....)

3) As for ending something on your own terms, when you don't want to talk about it, you should try this:

"I'm not comfortable talking about this with you right now. I think we're done with this topic for the moment."

And if she pushes and presses and does her best to keep you in it, you calmly, nicely, firmly tell her:

"I'm not comfortable talking about this with you right now. I think we're done with this topic for the moment. You should respect my feelings and my decision."
Stand your ground.

But also realize that she's obviously wanting an answer to her biological imperative, and it's not really about YOU. You're just the donor, after all. Sorry to minimalize it like that, but it's true. She probably does want to start a family, and this is a BIG issue for your relationship.

Get some resolution for both of you before she has a baby that looks... hmm.... NOTHING like you.

By the way, if you want more information on how to handle these kinds of games that women - and everyone - play, you should have a look at this information.

- Carlos Xuma

alpha man | how to talk to women | approach women | dating advice for men


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