What Every Man Should Know...
About How ToAttract Women and Get More Dates
- Carlos Xuma
I was with a yummy redhead on a date a while back, and we were talking while
getting cozy at a bar here in San Francisco. I told her something about
herself, and she obviously ate it right up. When she was done digesting
what I'd said, she leaned back and told me to say it again. I hesitated,
my lips near her ear, and then I said "No." She looked at me with a completely
pleased smile and said, "Good! You don't just do what I say."
Do you guys hear that? That's INCREDIBLE validation, right from her mouth
that she was A) testing me, and B) She DIDN'T want me to do whatever she said.
In other words, she wanted me to be a MAN.
Later, when I dropped her off at her apartment, and after having had a hot
kissing session before I told her to go in, she told me, "I don't know what
there is about you, but I'm interested. All I know is, you're not just a friend." I
asked her what she meant, and she said, "You know, when I meet a guy, I know
right away whether he's just a friend or if there's something more."
UN - BE - LIEVABLE.
She's one of the few women I've ever hung out with who was hip enough to herself
to admit these things aloud.
Now, her last statement leads us into this week's question ... This one's
long (and I edited it down), but be patient, because I think a lot of you
have had this happen to you. One time or another in your "Nice Guy" phase...
First off, I recently purchased the dating black book and it's a masterpiece.
I've still got a alot to read but the insight it's given so far (not even
half way in) is more than worth the price.
A few weeks later ... I thought I'd drop in and visit this Russian girl. She
was there, but she actually had the night off. .. so I invited her to come
back to the party with me. We had some great conversation and she was touching
me quite a bit although, I kinda got the impression that she thought of me
as a player. End of the night (4am) we decided it was time to go home. We
hugged and I put her in a cab. I never asked for her number because I got
the impression that this girl had some baggage.
So basically for the past few months I've been seeing her at her work place
once or twice a week after the bar (when I'm a bit buzzed) and we've been
hanging out. This has progressed to her hanging out at my place late night
after her work to her sleeping over with me in my bed, but get this - all
we do is cuddle! None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on.
She opened up to me one night and told me that she was in an abusive relationship
and I think it screwed her up big time in the trust department.
We hang out in the day sometimes and we have a great time. She loves to walk
so we do alot of that. Other times we'll just rent a movie and she'll always
snuggle up to me or lie on my chest. I'm always joking around with her and
she laughs her head off. I tease her quite a bit and she loves my sense of
humor - she's said it's exactly what she'd want in her ideal man.
She's also told me that she finds me to be good looking. She knows that I
date 2-3 times/wk and if the phone rings while she's over she always wants
to know who it was. She's not seeing anyone right now, but sometimes she'll
make it a point to tell me about some interesting guy who stopped by her work
without going into any detail.
This girl is a model part-time and she's pretty damn hot so that doesn't help
things either. What the heck do I do with this? She's moving away at the end
of the summer. Can I get some action before she goes or should I just cut
off the sleep overs and forget about her? I really do like her, but I'd never
tell her that. I'm not sure that I'd want to date her (although it already
kind of feels like we are sans action), but we could definitely have more
Not even sure how this happened. This is bizarre because
I've never just "slept"(literally)
in the same bed with a girl(a hot girl no less). Is she just playing with
She has a 4-day modelling/acting shoot in Montreal (about a 2 hour car ride).
Should I go with her? I'm leaning towards a yes because I know we'd have a
really good time.
Confused as all heck
CARLOS HANDS OUT A BITCH SLAP:
Alright, I’m going to get real with you on this one, because there are
a lot of areas to clear up. Get scrubbed, because we’re going into the
dating O.R. (operating room, for you non E.R. watching fools... like me...)
1) If you get the vibe that a girl has baggage – YOU
ARE PROBABLY RIGHT!
Most guys have decent baggage-radar,
but they choose to ignore the massive “ping” signals
they get. Remember that there are pros and cons to these
women. The only real "pro" is that she's probably got bruised
self-esteem, and you might score based on that alone.
But that's a bit vulture-ous, and I would avoid the
possible aftermath. The big "Con" to this situation is that she's got issues,
and that means she'll monkey with your head and wind up spinning YOU around
to the tune of her games. (And she has, my friend.) Abusive relationships
have turned this girl into a HEAD CASE. Sometimes also known as DAMAGED GOODS. She feels inadequate and unworthy.
2) You say: "None of my friends can believe that nothing is going
on." Well, DUH! Yeah, neither can I! What's going through that head of yours?
She's basically turned you into her sex-less little girlfriend.
She can weep on your shoulder, use you for bed and
breakfast and pretend like she's all jealous when you've got another woman
interested in you, but basically what she's got is you wrapped around her
finger. Don't tell me - you're not getting any from the other women you're
dating either, primarily because this hot one takes up all your mental bandwidth. "But I want her..." he
says to himself all the time.
3) Early on, you got buying indicators (touching, etc.) but you chose
to ignore them. When you failed to take action on those, her female mental
processes started switching you off as a sex-buddy and you were starting
to be thrown into that "friend" bin.
She says you're "good looking"? Great. That's the
consolation prize every woman who won't put out likes to give. Not that
you're probably not, but she's just trying to tell you that in some way,
her damaged psyche is telling her that she has issues in her self-worth.
Women who are broken this way often like to edify men and then refuse themselves
the ones they try to convince themselves they SHOULD want.
She's not feeling gut-level attraction for you. She hasn't
since that first night when you needed to keep moving in. (Read my article
on Always Advancing Your Assault.)
I was going to advise you to go ahead and just bust a move on her and move
in, no excuses. Either get what you need with no shame, or boot her the hell
out. Enough of this walking the fence crap. If you're looking for some sex,
hit it and quit it. Time for her to choose which team she's on.
But I think the more important step for you is to cut her off and move on.
Ultimately, that will have the most validation and positive impact to your
nervous system. You're starting to slide down the slippery slope of wimpiness,
and I want you to gather some of your confidence back.
Sometimes the best way to do that is to cut off someone who's damaging to
you. Regain some of your pride and self-confidence by proving that you can
TURN HER DOWN.
If you don't you're going to start reinforcing an image of yourself that says
that 1) this treatment is okay, and 2) You can't do any better.
This is a dangerous fork in the road, my friend. I've been
there myself, and I've seen others come to it. To the left
is "Nice Guy"-ville. This is where
your masculinity evaporates, and your once-happening sex and dating life with
The media and sh*tty romantic comedies have almost convinced you to go over
to this dark side. Pretty soon, you'll believe that men are really bad - they
abuse women, and start wars, and rape women, and damage the environment ...
To the right is your possible route to being an Alpha Male again. You don't
capitulate to women.
Here's your prescription:
First, stop the sleepovers.
Don't date her. If you don't stop this now you're going to wind up as one
of those sorry case examples that I end up using to correct another situation.
Instead, be the good example that corrects his situation and gets back in
the game. Reclaim your balls from her and get to it.
Next, re-read the section of The
Dating Black Book where I talk about "Trust" and the Therapist Trap.
Do NOT go with her on this trip. You said you think you'll
have a great time? Does this sound like a "great" time
- She continues to use you
- You don't get any sex
- Your balls progressively inflate and turn blue
- And you don't get any other kind of connection with a woman that can give
you what you want because you're too busy playing Tom Hanks to her weepy dysfunctional
Every minute you spend with Ms. Cuddles is another minute you aren't getting
what you want. She's turned into your pet project. You're thinking you can
turn her around, or still get something out of this, after all, you've sunk
so much effort in this far...
Ask yourself: How much longer are you going to accept losing?
Remember the ultimate loser affirmation: "Yeah, I know, but..."
Get out! Do you have any idea how many reasonably SANE and attractive
women there are out there who WILL have sex with you and give you the complete
If you did, you wouldn't be in this situation.
'Nuff said, homey.
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