Dating Advice for Men - How to Approach Women, Attract Women, and Meet Girls



CARLOS XUMA - Dating Dynamics

I'm not a fan of "manipulation" or "head games" in relationships or the whole singles scene. (For those of you who've read the e-book, I explain how using strategies can be thought of as manipulative, but it really isn't.)

One tactic that I think is important early in the meeting process with a woman is to ensure that you do not instill in her a sense of false security and stability.

Women are used to having the upper hand in all things having to do with relationships. I don't believe they do this maliciously, but it is a power and control issue with all dating situations.

I'm going to propose something very controversial, but I believe works out the best for everyone in the end:

Keep her off balance.

What I mean by this is that you do not want any woman feeling too secure or cocky about how you feel about her or the hold she's got on you.

This goes back to a key principle of human behavior: The things you are most attracted to are the ones that you are not certain about. Uncertainty breeds an incredible gratitude for the times when you're rewarded.

Training for the more intelligent animals (dolphins) is done by what is known as intermittent reinforcement. This means that once a behavior is trained, you will get more consistency by only rewarding an animal at irregular intervals - not every time. This has been proven time and time again in tests, and it's just as true for men and women.

You've probably experienced this in your own life. Have you ever had a woman who was inconsistent - or hot-and-cold - with her sexual interest? You never knew if you were going to get some. When you did, you felt the reward, but the other times when you didn't you were being trained because you were more likely to work for the POSSIBILITY of sex the next time. Perhaps work even harder.

If she wants a kiss, give her one, but not when she asks for it. Then, when she leans in for a kiss, you hold her off - nicely. "Whoah, there. Are you trying to take advantage of me?"

Another way to keep her on her toes is to always be ready to say something controversial. Then, a few seconds later, appear to say something to contradict it. (Be sure to never change your opinion to match a woman's. A far better tactic is to take an area where she agrees with you and change your mind on her.)

If you are talking to her, and she goes to the bathroom, disappear on her before she comes back, then walk over to her a few seconds later.

Inconsistency is the key to driving her desire up. Consistency only sends messages to her subconscious that you are a man she could RELY on, but that doesn't make her LUST after you.

You can use an analogy of rides at an amusement park:
Consistency is the Ferris wheel. Ho hum. Boring. You go up, and around, and back down ... and up....

Nothing fast. Nothing unknown. Just a tall view and look around the area.

Nice, but NO thrills.

Inconsistency - Surprise, danger, thrills - are found on the ROLLERCOASTER. Get her in the front car and start her heart racing with the unknown.

You have to get her on the right ride if you want to get where you want to go.

Keep her off balance, so she doesn't know what's coming.

First of all, I think some ground rules are implicit in this article overall, which I'd like to cover with you again:

1) I'm going to tell you the Truth. And that's whether or not you like it, or agree with it. The only thing that matters in the world of dating and seduction is GETTING RESULTS. (As long as no one is harmed in the process.) I'm not going to fill your heads with the lies that Hollywood and prime-time television perpetuate. If you want to live in the illusion that makes you feel good, but keeps you from getting success with women, go ahead. Have a blast being unsuccessful.

Sarcasm aside, I know you want more and want to know how to do better.

2) My replies are sometimes obnoxious, but so is the dating world. Get used to it. I'm having fun with you guys the way I expect you would with women. If you can't take a little good natured ball-busting here, the singles world will eat you alive. Grow a thicker skin. I have made (and still make) all the same screw ups, and I only wish I'd had somebody to give me the straight shooting advice early on.

(Kinda like that intense Drill Instructor from "Full Metal Jacket," only not so harsh.)

3) This newsletter and the topics I write about are for the early stages of dating. 0-90 days or so. There are some strategies that I believe are valid throughout your dating life, but most are especially applicable during the early part, where you are laying the groundwork for a POSSIBLE dating relationship. If you don't establish respect during this time period, you never will. And then you'll be sending me pitiful emails asking how to "put the spice back in our love life" and other queasy tales of suffering.

Save yourself the pain of therapy later on by never letting it get out of your control in the first place.

With that in mind, I got the following question:

Wouldn't that attitude of keeping her off balance ruin a marriage and put a lot of distrust in it ?

After all it would be hindering her feelings of security.

Well, first off, this is "Dating Dynamics," not "Marriage Dynamics." I've said countless times that you must use different strategies in the early days of dating than you do later on.

And, let's keep in mind that I'm not talking about constantly undermining trust. I'm not talking about acting sneaky or deceitful.

I'm talking about introducing an element of UNPREDICTABILITY.

Life is very predictable, almost boring in its regularity and consistency. Women don't thrive on the ordinary and usual - they enjoy the dramatic and thrilling. (Think: Soap operas, "The Bachelor," andy 'reality' TV show, etc.)

Everybody does. Why do you think we get so excited to rubberneck at an accident? Or how we all gravitate to talk about the lurid crimes of passion in the news? We need this drama to inject some excitement in what is a VERY predictable existence.

We're born. We go to school. We work. We pay taxes. We die.

Day to day, you pretty much know what's going to happen. We all wait for the possibility of the UNKNOWN. While there's always the possibility that anything COULD happen, it rarely does. (*)

Let's talk about security for a minute.

What is "security"?

Do human beings really thrive and grow in "security"? No. We want security as part of a relationship so that we can:

1) Feel protected
2) Feel able to open up and share more intimacy

These "security" requirements are only necessary in a long-term or exclusive relationship. And you can't possibly get to that stage without a certain amount of excitement and energy that only UNpredictability gives you. You can't get to this point without igniting the fuse of her PASSION.

PASSION and PREDICTABILITY are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

If you try to make a woman feel too secure too fast, you ruin everything that she wants to feel when it comes to the excitement and unpredictability. When you give a woman too much "security" early on, what you're telling her at a subconscious level is that there is nothing interesting or unpredictable about you. A woman needs to feel inspired to start feeling attraction for you.

It's like the starter motor on a car. When you turn the key, this little motor spins your engine quickly in a short period of time so that it can get to the point of firing up the cylinders on its own and start cranking under the power of burning fuel and oxygen.

Without that initial burst of energy, the engine would never get going. The same thing applies to women.

One of the biggest illusions about women and dating (and sex) is that women need to feel secure with a man before she will date him or sleep with him.


How many times have you seen women sleeping with the guys who were bad-boys?
How many women have you known who have had one-night-stands? (More than you think, and more than admit it.)

How many times have you seen a woman take in a deadbeat slacker without a job, who sleeps on her couch while she goes off to work? (It's not an epidemic, but it does happen quite a bit.)

How many times have you heard a woman complain: "I just don't know why I love him ... he's so unstable and wild ... He's unpredictable. He's not the kind of guy I would marry..."
But he's the kind of guy she would sleep with. Funny, huh?

" Sexy" and "Security" are almost never spoken in the same sentence. They evoke totally different feelings in a woman. You'll never hear her say: "Wow! He's so stable and reliable! I feel so secure and he totally TURNS me ON!"


When she's ready to settle down, she'll do that with a man who is predictable and ... well, a little boring in certain ways. When she's ready to start a family, she wants that long-term security. That boredom is a signal to her primitive mind that this guy will be a provider and stick around. It's in her genetic imprint.

It's my firm belief that you can start a relationship off with a woman in one of two ways. Think of this as a fork in the road you come to when you meet a woman. There's a sign and an arrow pointing down each path, and here's what each sign says:

Path to the Right - "Start off by getting her excited and thrilled. You turn her on with humor and teasing. She gets frustrated at times, but always stimulated. You're different than the other 50 guys who came on to her with no personality or challenge. Her attraction drive is engaged and she falls for you. You get to have sex, love, marriage -- whatever you want."

Path to the Left - "Start off by being a 'nice guy.' She sees you as another man who can't excite her by being a vibrant personality - sexually charged - and instead she begins to see you as a 'friend.' All because you couldn't get her excited enough to engage her attraction for you. You wind up wanting her romantically, and she ends up telling you she wants to 'just be friends.' You get neither sex nor the relationship."Think about it again, guys. What do you want? The way it SHOULD BE, or the way it ACTUALLY IS?

Yeah, we all SHOULD BE getting laid all the time, by any woman we treat nicely and give flowers to, but it rarely happens that way. We SHOULD BE able to make a woman feel "secure" and she'll just jump us in a heartbeat.

BUT ... it doesn't really work that way. So, while you weep and lament about that for a while, I think we should recognize that it's okay to not give a woman all the security she wants up front when it ALWAYS works out better in the long run to give her what she really NEEDS and responds to.

We're humans, with intelligent control of our emotions, but so few of us actually are ever able to get that control. Don't fall under the illusion that we respond emotionally to logic and reason. We don't respond to things because we SHOULD.

I may not have gone into much more detail on the strategy of keeping her a little off balance, but I think it was important to explain the reasons why, and so that we can start to get rid of that monkey on our backs, the one that tells us that if we don't cater to a woman's every whim and need (i.e., "security," "romance.")

In the early stages with a woman, SECURITY = BORING.

Security comes later.

Passion FIRST.

(* And for those of you who think I'm being gloomy about life being too predictable, that's not my point. Ultimately, it is YOU who must make life interesting. YOU inject the action each day that will either make your life a great adventure ... or nothing at all. Don't wait for life to BE interesting. MAKE IT interesting.)

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"Carlos Xuma is the nation's leading personal dating coach, and professional dating agent. Recognized as the world's premier dating authority, Carlos' date-coaching and skills work for single men everywhere. If you use sites like,,,, and other online dating sites, Carlos' dating advice can help you succeed like never before. Even better than what a dating agency could ever offer you, Carlos' advice, products and ideas turn you into your own matchmaker, and will double your dating success whether you seek a relationship, romance, or the love of your life."


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