Carlos Xuma Interview

Clifford: Carlos is the “guru” behind Dating Dynamics, Seduction Method and Alpha Seduction

Carlos, thank you for agreeing to do this interview with me and now could you please tell a little about your history with women, and your background.Carlos: I grew up in the Northeast, in Upstate New York. And the first thing I remember about girls was liking them – a LOT. I got started at a very early age, too. My first real crush was in kindergarten with a girl in my class named Julie. My mom even helped me pick out a gift to bring in to school for her. Of course, the thing sat all wrapped and ready in the book rack under my chair while I worked up the guts to give it to her, fearing the awful possibility of her rejection. Julie never did get that gift. Sorry, babe. That pattern of serial crushes on girls kept up for me for a while. I first got laid when I was only 12 years old. Her name was Ann, she was 15, and she’d had a crush on me for a while. I’d held off on “dating” her, which only made her more interested. I remember that she told my friends she wouldn’t “do it” with me until after we dated for a month. We did it the next afternoon.imagesIt wasn’t long after that I was sleeping with every girl I could get my hands on. What I was doing at the time (but didn’t realize) was being a real ‘scoundrel.’ I would sleep with a girl, and then move on to the next one in a few weeks or so. I was a self-interested “jerk,” just like the ones women complain about (but keep going back to.) My selfish attitude communicated my non-neediness, as well as my social value. I just kept being self-interested and treated women like *I* was the prize.

In a nutshell, my attitude was this: “Oh, you’re going to sleep with me. And if you don’t, I’m just going to move on to a woman who will. And then it will be YOUR fault. Oh, and you’re not just going to SLEEP with me. You’re going to do all the nasties I want, too. Now get naked.”

Still, the seeds of my setback to a “Nice Guy” were planted in my early twenties when I started reading a TON of self-help literature. I started with the usual Anthony Robbins material, Wayne Dyer, Napoleon Hill, etc., which were fantastic for my entrepreneurial spirit and desire to grow and achieve. I’ve always been fascinated by human motivation and drive.

I also wanted to know more about how this thing called “love” worked, and how to have a successful relationship. Unfortunately for me, I also started reading every book under the sun on relationships by all the female (and male) authors and pundits. I started believing in this “ideal” that these people perpetuated, which was arguing against our emotional nature. What I started believing in was this “pure white light of love and acceptance”, all this “California New Age” bullshit that they said you could experience if you explored and confused your inner child enough.

WHAM. My game started going right down the toilet.

I stopped making women attracted to me the way I had been with my ‘scoundrel’ attitude, and I started believing I’d been doing wrong to them all that time, and that men were “bad.” I became something of a male feminist. (Ugh, I cringe thinking back on this.) I acted the complete role of the nice guy, from buying them flowers to writing love letters.

After several heart wrenching ordeals with a few of my long term relationships (yeah, they dumped me), I knew I had to get back on track.

I actually started with a short book that was on the back shelf of a small bookstore (as most good information usually is.) The book was “How to be the Jerk Women Love” by F.J. Shark. It wasn’t exactly a new bible of getting women, and it had so many printing flaws that I imagined this was published by someone in a basement somewhere after a hard drinking binge. BUT this book started me understanding that women are not attracted to LOGIC. They are attracted to certain behaviors that evoke their EMOTIONS. And while the tactics in this book weren’t all spot-on (like always borrowing money from your girl and having centerfolds on your wall), the principles held up. I knew there was much more strategy to find and use.


So after a few more years of experimenting, getting back on track with my dating and sex life, and looking into a ton of other stuff out there, I knew I could write my own book using my experiences and insights. Combining my analytical ability with my writing skills, I had no doubt that guys would want this information. I first came out with “The Dating Black Book” about two years ago. Then “The Seduction Method” came out six months later. I’ve been providing regular advice and strategies for men in my monthly audio coaching. And just this month I released my most recent book and 6-CD series, “Secrets of the Alpha Man.”

My highly analytical nature led itself to “figuring out” women and our interactions to understand what this thing of sexual attraction was all about. I’m one of those guys who just has to know how things work, whether it’s mechanical or social interaction.

Lately, my experiences as a Martial Arts instructor has led me even deeper into the dynamics of what makes a man an ALPHA. It’s a term that’s been over-used and abused, but there is so much to learn by studying what kind of men women have desired over the eons. I just worked on molding this definition for the modern man.

We’re in a genuine crisis in our society as far as gender roles, and my mission is to turn this situation around for men (and women). The Nice Guy Syndrome is destroying the success of men everywhere, and it’s time to put that to an end.


Clifford: One thing I have noticed from the last few interviews I have been doing is that each person (not that this is a revolutionary realization) has their own particular style of seduction. What this means is that each person has found the path doing what they do to achieve success. I think you’ve explained what you were doing as a teenager, but now that you are an adult what do you do to create attraction that might be different from other guys or that would define your particular method or methods.

Carlos: I’m more of a sniper than a “sarger” if you know what I mean. I used to just go after women as they came, but now I find more fun and challenge in being a hunter. I find the target that interests me and I shoot to kill. More like Valmont from “Dangerous Liaisons.”

Each woman is a case study, and has a puzzle to getting her particular “kill shot.” And I believe most guys are really looking for more than temporary successes. The challenge eventually comes when he wants one good woman instead of many.

But I think the differentiation is that I’m targeting keeping the 80/20 rule in mind. 80% of guys are barely surviving out there in the seduction world, running around without a clue but what their moms told them.


80% of success is in only 20% of the skills, and they’re very easy to learn, and almost all of them come as a result of having a full and confident lifestyle. I also hone in on the importance of living an Alpha Lifestyle BEFORE you go out and look to pickup and seduce.

In the case of seduction, however, the 80% is probably more like 95% of guys who are not very skilled at the nuances of dating and seduction, but you know what I mean. I also believe firmly in using skills that are NATURAL rather than complexly orchestrated. The architecture is the same, but it has to be flexible enough to adapt to each guy’s personality. Techniques are fine, but ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING.

Keep it simple. No trance words, no cleverness until you get the foundational understanding, beliefs, and skills. There’s no lasting success in life without a true feeling of good self-esteem.

Clifford: How about some specific examples of what you think about, how you prepare yourself to “snipe”, and what may go on between you and some of your targets. If you can, please walk through the process that usually results in your having a success with a woman.


Carlos: I’ve gone through a LONG and intense process of cleaning up my inner game over the years. One of the things that my breakdown in skills has taught me is that the most important thing is your belief in your own value.

If you go out on a “date” or meet a woman out somewhere, she wants to believe in you. Most people aren’t strong leaders. Women, however, are looking for leaders to follow, which equates to your value as a man. Your social rank defines your value in most ways. (Yes, there is a whole subculture of socially reclusive people out there, but even they are still attracted to a certain set of attitudinal traits.)

The more you believe in yourself, the more you will act independently of a woman’s perception, thus driving up your value in her eyes. After all, what kind of man doesn’t need her approval? The kind of guy that SHE needs approval from. That’s what draws her in. Her belief that he is more powerful than she is.

Now, I’ve long since grown tired of the “singles” scene here in San Francisco. I used to work the bars and parties there pretty hard. Lately, however, it’s become much more interesting to find the challenging targets and use my sniping ability with them.


First of all, let me say that I find almost ALL women attractive in some way. Femininity and everything about women is something I adore. You have to if you’re going to stay in the game for a long time. You can’t run around with the typical male anger syndrome. You know, the one that’s pissed because women appear to control the sex, and since you’re not getting any, it must be the collective fault of all women. (This kind of anger is more common than most people think. Not necessarily to the level that causes men to be violent rapists, as the media would have you believe, but enough to sabotage a lot of guys from getting the sex life they want.)

I really don’t prepare for sniping. I just keep my eyes open for a woman that fascinates me enough to keep around. Here’s an example:

Every Halloween here in San Francisco there’s a huge celebration in the Castro district. It’s a big party in the street with everyone dressing up and having a wild time. There are parades, freaks, bands …. You name it. Thousands of people go every year. I’ll probably be there again this year.

Last year I went down to enjoy the party (alone, since my friend had backed out at the last moment). I had a couple beers, and went walking around, seeing the sights and having fun. (I was dressed as an army guy, so no face disguise was involved.) I spent a good amount of time watching for people – not just women – who might be cool to hang out with.

I went to a dive bar to grab a drink and some food, and I spotted a couple of women dressed in some rather lame costumes, but they looked like they might be fun. They seemed less “bimbo” and more intelligent and challenging. I walked over and said hello and said I was going to be their host for the evening. They pulled me right into their conversation, and as it turns out they were in from the East coast to come to the party. I decided I liked one of these gals enough to see what we could do.

Now, to make a long story short, through the use of fun conversation, NOT zoning in on her with freakish attention, and constantly changing our locations as much as possible, I was tongue-tied with her within the hour and she kept grabbing my ass. The rest I’ll leave to the imagination.

BTW, The tactic I mentioned above of changing locations as much as possible is a way of simulating multiple dates with the same woman. Your rapport with a woman increases exponentially with the number of locations you go with her, so why not do more in the same night? This is how you get the effect of 2 or 3 dates in one night.


Now, my internal process is simply this:

1) I use my own personalized mental preparations. I no longer stand in front of a mirror and chant “You are special!” the way some self-help guys would have you. After enough time of reinforcing your belief system, it only takes a quick recollection of a past success to put your mood and beliefs in the frame of a lady killer. Anchoring is an NLP method that I’ve modified to fit my own mental makeup.

2) I EMOTIONALLY believe that being ALONE is a worthy alternative. That will allow you to pull the plug at your own discretion and not feel as if you were the loser in any interaction. I have a mantra that goes, “I’m better off alone than with the wrong woman.” I’m super comfortable being alone and in silence. (i.e., no television or music on to distract me from my own thoughts.) This way there’s no pain of loss to avoid.

3) I’m RELAXED. Most guys don’t truly understand the necessity of shedding their nervous excitement around women. Sure, in some cases it can be flattering to the woman you’re talking with and it can energize you, but it also communicates all the wrong things about you. I’ve learned how to stay relaxed and comfortable in the most trying situations with women. Even if I’m crashing and burning HORRIBLY, I still can smile inside with the knowledge that it’s never the end of the world. NEVER.


4) I KNOW MYSELF. I’m totally aware of my own defense mechanisms, and what triggers them. By knowing how I’ll react in situations and being aware of them, I can then avoid any panic or nervousness. I took the time to build my self-discipline and self-awareness to a level where I no longer use the excuse “I just couldn’t help myself!” (Which is a common excuse among guys who can’t be bothered with introspection and building their self-control.)

5) I take TOTAL responsibility for any success or failure, and I’m aware of which situations are not under my control. Knowing what is in your sphere of influence versus your sphere of control is crucial if you’re going to be happy in life and manage your stress levels effectively.

Every guy out there needs to spend a little time figuring out his own mechanisms and what drives him. Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – get into the game of therapy or over-analysis, or any number of today’s touchy-feely, be-in-therapy-forever solutions, but become adept at figuring out why you did what you did – WITHOUT JUDGMENT. The closer you get to this ideal, the stronger your game will improve.

5) I take TOTAL responsibility for any success or failure, and I’m aware of which situations are not under my control. Knowing what is in your sphere of influence versus your sphere of control is crucial if you’re going to be happy in life and manage your stress levels effectively.

6) A few misses with women does not equate to total failure. In other words, I don’t have to win them ALL. This need for men to never screw up is another kind of insecurity. It’s as if they fall apart if just one woman didn’t seem to approve of them, or they were unable to get her number.

7) Constant interaction and exposure to women. This is one thing that keeps you in the game, even when your game isn’t going the way you’d like. Just don’t become reliant on women for friendships. Then you slip back into that nice-guy trap.

8) Seek qualified external feedback. If you have a friend with GOOD judgment (and that’s tough to come by) you need to latch on to that and use it for all it’s worth.


This then leads to a VERY simple plan of action to take my internal game EXTERNAL:

1) I target the kind of woman I’m interested in. Usually attractive (7+) and intelligent. I can’t stand dumb chicks, unless sex is the only goal. The woman I want is a factor of my own taste, of course, but she’s gotta have a brain. And a nice body – hey, I’m not kidding myself. B-cup boobies and an ass that won’t quit is a ticket to happiness in my corner of the universe.

2) I approach. I don’t hesitate for a second, because that’s when that voice starts up in your head to discourage you. Just walk over and find the words. Fail sooner to get to success.

3) I develop some rapport. I’m friendly, but I put a little dose or two of humor, teasing, and maybe a little C&F. (Beware the use of Cocky and Funny as a cure-all. Once again, it’s an over-used and frequently misunderstood part of seduction.)


4) I close for a phone number, email, or next step. A next step can be an immediate drink, coffee date, whatever, given the current circumstances.

5) I review what did or did not work in each of these encounters, modifying my approach, and staying RELAXED. This is the habit of sharpening your saw (for those of you familiar with Stephen Covey.)

Now, one thing I do that many other seduction coaches typically don’t is that I try to use the latest methods to meet women. Guys don’t yet know how to effectively mine the Internet or Speed Dating for so many good encounters. 95% of the guys at these things are AFCs, which makes it so much easier for practicing your game. It’s a great conversation simulator, too, allowing you to really break yourself out of the fear of talking to women. After you go through 4 or 5 women in an hour (sometimes many more) you find your rhythm and groove with them. I always coach guys to try new and different methods.

Sarging at clubs and on the street is intimidating to some guys, and the budding seducer needs an “entry-level” method of meeting women that allows his confidence to build.

I believe in using as many different methods to meet women as you can. Bars, parties, friends, speed dating, personals, Internet, cold walkup, you name it. I call these multiple streams of dating income. If you work 3 or 4 of them to a decent level of aptitude, you’ll be a rock star. Your confidence will skyrocket. It’s guaranteed, but so few men actually work it. They’ll try once or twice, come up with an excuse to not try again, and think they’ve got it all figured out. The ones who get laid don’t stop. They’re relentless. (Without being stalkers.)

Clifford: How do you motivate yourself and do what you need to do? When guys are starting out to learn to improve what they are doing with women, most inevitably come up against a learning curve which results in a lot of failures and frustrations. The motivation to continue sometimes is hard to come by – what suggestions do you have about this? Further, when guys get somewhat successful, they often also come up against plateaus or sticking points that seem insurmountable – what advice can you give to the more advanced guys to break through these more difficult barriers?

Carlos: A lot of guys make the same common mistakes with women. Most of the time, these mistakes are simply an extension of their own insecurities.

For example, I was talking with a gal I met on-line the other night, and she said what we already knew, which was that women can pick up on a man’s insecurities in a MICROSECOND. This girl could read them in the profiles that guys put up on-line. Sure, they realize fully that they have their own shortfalls, but that’s WHY THEY NEED MEN. I’m not some caveman here, but the reality is that there are very DEFINITE gender roles in our world, and men are neglecting them. One of the primary things men provide for women is STABILITY and direction. And THAT is why our confidence is essential. We have to be confident enough for TWO people.


So here are some of the inhibitors from climbing that learning curve you mentioned:

1) Inadequate relaxation. Guys have to learn how to calm down and take things easy. They’re way too uptight about immediate gratification. Their interactions are completely shadowed by the “please approve of me” need. Even players can come across with this, and it’s obvious to the more intelligent women out there.

2) Too much anger. Most guys are pent up with every kind of emotional constipation you can imagine. They’re pissed because women control the sex. They’re pissed because they can’t “understand women.” They’re just plain pissed off about a lot of things. But we’ve been told that we must be “in touch” with our anger.

I propose that you use your anger as FUEL. Men need anger, but we need to use it constructively. Anger is the 104+ octane in your car that propels you to your goals. It’s the red-hot chili pepper jammed in your sphincter to get your ass in gear. Your powerful emotions are your motivation when all else seems hopeless.


3) OBSESSION. Guys (especially “nice” guys) tend to become too easily focused on just ONE woman. This happens with 90% of all the guys I counsel, and it’s the most easy to overcome. You see, guys have been brought up with this mistaken belief in dating just ONE woman. (Let me tell you that a woman is nowhere near as monogamous as she’d have you believe.) The worst thing you can do is to focus all your attention on one conquest. To paraphrase Princess Leia from Star Wars, “The tighter your grip, the more women will slip through your fingers.”

Even advanced players get too obsessed sometimes with a particular result or image. You have to be flexible. Seduction is a highly fluid situation.

4) Loss of FAITH. I’m not talking about spiritual or religious faith here, but I’m sure it could be just as applicable. You have to have an overriding belief that EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT RIGHT. If you have this, nothing can stop you. But most guys give up their belief too soon and lose hope. Realize that all the best guys have plateaus and even dips in their game. It’s inevitable. To quote from a great line on the Sopranos: “There will always be both good times and bad times in life, and all a man can do is try to find his pleasures along the way.”

5) Giving in to habits instead of holding to a higher standard. If there’s one thing I hear too much of it’s this lame-ass excuse: “I just HAD to call her right away”, or “I couldn’t help myself.” Bullshit. You’re just failing to take responsibility for your NOT doing what you know you need to do. Poor self-discipline. Most guys SAY they want something, but they’re not really willing to pay the price to get it.

6) Breaking through barriers is almost always about developing a new ABILITY. That’s it. When you come up against a situation that challenges you, that’s the message. You need to develop a new skill. You have to be livened by the challenge. Don’t get all depressed and angry. Let the challenge fire you up to a new level of achievement. This is the stuff that MEN are about, after all. Overcoming and conquering. This is something that women don’t really experience the way we men do.


I developed a few basic methods to overcome these hurdles. Now, these are my personal internal methods and beliefs, and you have to cultivate your own. But they’re basic, and anyone can adopt them. They start with the internal processes I talked about above, translating into a game plan of action, both externally as well as within my head.

For example, it’s very important to apply the correct EMOTIONAL meaning to any circumstance. Recently I’ve been doing a lot of “research” with on-line dating. One of the things I’ve noticed is that the women who post profiles are overly cautious, as well as flooded with attention. It’s a seller’s (i.e., women’s) market there, and guys have to work fairly hard to get noticed in the right way. Chicks just peek out at the guys from behind their safe little keyboards, so you have to know how to draw them out of their insecurities and fears. And be able to do that in email. (I’m a pretty good writer, so I’ve been fortunate enough to come up with many methods for this.)

I’ve had a few email “conversations” evaporate when the women just appears to flake and disappear. This is, of course, inevitable. It says nothing of my ability or skill with women. Here’s how I reframe the experience:

“I know she’s getting a million emails a day. Chances are she just answered someone at random, and it’s likely that she’ll find that guy is a dweeb. If she hasn’t hooked up with a dweeb, she’s probably just playing with the fire.

“I don’t play with fire – I TAME it.


“If she didn’t pick up on my Alpha status, that also means that she’s probably a beta chick.

“She’s also likely to NOT be a woman I’m all that interested in, so she just helped me by sorting herself out early.


I just bypass that mental hangup that a lot of guys develop about “the one that got away.” For some reason, we want to convert the ones that resist us the most. Men are very motivated by challenge, just as much as women. I see this even in players.

And the one thing most guys don’t realize about reframing (or re-defining) an experience is that they must really BELIEVE in what they change the meaning into. It does no good to go through an experience, such as not getting a woman’s number, say to yourself “It’s okay, it doesn’t matter,” but you still have that sinking, disappointed feeling inside that just eats at you. This is where most guys fail to take their game forward. Lack of emotional intelligence.

You have to defeat the EMOTIONS of your unhealthy interpretation. It’s not enough to WANT it to mean something different. You see, emotions add the charge to your thoughts, and THAT is what conditions you.

Men don’t understand their own emotions enough to condition themselves correctly. Men AVOID the negative feelings, while women want to feel ALL the emotions (negative and positive), but they tend to get addicted to the ride, not the desired outcomes.

This is where I propose that all Alpha Men out there must work to raise their emotional intelligence as high as possible. It’s the most critical skill for a man who wants to make lasting, positive change in his life.

Clifford: Thanks Carlos, for taking the time to explain your ideas and experiences for the guys. Perhaps you can take a minute and mention a product or two of yours that you think would be very valuable for the readers here to get.

Carlos: I appreciate the time and opportunity to share the information, Cliff. I know there are a lot of guys out there hungry for information on seduction.

Best of luck to all the guys out there,