Dating Dynamics - Dating Advice for Men

Podcast on Getting Quality Women

2008-06-17T07:54:00.001-07:00

Hey, I just sat down with my buddy Scot McKay and talked with him for a while about what it takes to attract a QUALITY woman.

You can get it by clicking HERE: Podcast with Scot McKay

Go listen to it now, because I don't know how long he keeps these available...

- Carlos Xuma

A bit of advice from Mr. Kennedy

2008-06-16T10:08:00.001-07:00

Not John F. Kennedy, but the ever-inspiring Dan Kennedy.

Dan had this to say recently about discipline:

A lot of people are engaged in doing things without a clear picture of what “success” is supposed to be or look like, without the means of holding themselves and others accountable. A lot of people simply do not like this kind of pressure, even if self-imposed to achieve self-selected goals.

‘Structure’ is EXTREMELY important. It’s not a good idea to build a house without plans. Not a good idea to do much of anything else without plans either. Great sales letters, ads, speeches, conform to and are organized around some reliable sales structure. They may begin as random hunks of copy and ideas, but soon the pieces have to be organized according to a structure.

I don’t think there’s anything that has as much to do with how much money you make as the way you ‘structure’ your work days, work weeks, use of time and control of others’ use of your time.

______________________

CARLOS COMMENTS:

Remember that structure and a focused plan is necessary for everything you want to achieve in life.

And that also applies to attracting women.

That's why I created THE easiest and most effective method for approaching women you can find.

You can get it here: How to Approach Women and Attract Women Effortlessly - and without rejection!

And you'll be able to get my expansion pack for this program coming this summer.

You'll learn Day Game, and why it's the most essential game of all to play...

Stay tuned...

CX

Alpha Male Movies for You To Watch

2008-06-13T13:54:00.001-07:00

QUESTION:

...anything to learn from Bruce Willis in 5th element or Deckard & Batty in bladerunner?

Alpha wise? A movies to inspire podcast perhaps?

I'm thinking about the scene where the toymaker is fooled into thinking Priss likes him, then Batty shows up and he realizes that he has NO shot unless something happens to Batty (even then, he lacks the stones req. to keep her)

______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Funny you should choose "Blade Runner," as that's one of my favorite movies of all time. The restoration and work they did to fix up the latest version is just breathtaking on Blu-ray.

And, as role models go, Harrison Ford is the quintessential modern Alpha Man.

There is a lesson in the way that Sebastian handles his attraction to Pris in the film. Watch William Sanderson's mannerisms as he is out-alpha'd by Roy Batty, Rutger Hauer's character.

Bruce Willis is also very Alpha, and I think that you can probably define most of the good movies by the ACTOR more often than the role. Some guys simply won't settle for playing a wuss. You know them.

Harrison Ford.

Bruce Willis.

Denzel Washington.

Sam Sheppard.

Carey Grant.

Jack Nicholson.

Add your comments to this post and tell me actors and movies that you think are good Alpha Man movies...

- Carlos

How To THINK Like An Alpha Male - No more scarcity

2008-06-12T15:28:00.001-07:00

Hey Carlos,

Your dating materials are WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD!!! I seriously have improved my skills with women because of you man! Thank you SO MUCH! I wasn't too bad with women to begin with honestly. I have good outer game, but my inner game is what I need to work on.

I somehow manage to get obsessed with one woman and try to hard, which just ends up screwing things up for me. Thankfully, I have learned what NOT to do now thanks to your materials.

Anyway, here is my situation. I have been dating this girl for about 3 1/2 months now, but I feel as though I'm beginning to lose her interest and attraction for me. She has been blowing me off lately, AND she has been hanging out with this other guy lately a bunch who likes her.

I'm a Naval Officer about to move to Pensacola for flight school, and I think this is why she isn't taking me as seriously as she would if I wasn't moving away. I don't want things to end with her. What should I do to make her WANT me to be her boyfriend??? PLEASE HELP BRO!!!
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Well, I'm going to be honest that even if you managed to "keep" her, you'd still be out of the picture when you go to flight school, so I would not get into this scarcity mindset right now. You're thinking from the "I'm losing her" mindset, which makes you the needy one.

When you're not around physically, it's going to be tough for you to create the kind of locked-in attraction that you need to keep her faithful while you're away. If she's already hanging with another guy, your exit visa is all but stamped, my friend.

You could keep her, but it would be futile the second you wave to her from the plane.

What you really need to do is this: YOU be the one to break it off with her.

Dude, you're in the military. Your uniform alone is going to score you more tail than you can imagine.

You also need to start sending the right messages to your subconscious mind, and by YOU being the one to end it, you are the one in control. You affirm your own power and might, and your own ability to lead.

If you can't break it off with a woman when it's necessary, no matter your feelings, you will probably end up back in that addicted state again.

YOU control your emotional state. Self-discipline!

When you fight the inevitable, you take a toll on your attitude.

You can stay in touch with her, but don't get one-itis with her. It's not worth it.

Get back to reading my materials again. You need to review them and really understand the Alpha Mindset.

You're in a world of abundance.

Start acting like it! :)

Guys, remember this when talking to women...

2008-06-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

Great article on the new fad of being "tired" all the time.

Guys, drop this from your vocabulary right now. And pay particular attention to the sections I bolded.

______________________
Being Tired Is Not a Status Symbol
Some people think telling everyone how exhausted they are makes them seem important. But flaunting your fatigue only makes you insufferable.

-By Greg Williams

There was a time not so long ago that when you asked a colleague how he was doing he'd likely reply, "I'm good, thanks." He might not actually have been good at all, but he would have kept that to himself.

Now, in the age of the mortgage meltdown and mass layoffs, he'll probably offer the answer that's become the default comeback for white-collar guys who want to demonstrate they've got it all—the career on an upward curve, the remodeled townhouse, the hot wife, and the privately educated kids. He'll say, "I'm so tired."

"It's the first thing that comes out of someone's mouth when you ask them how they're doing," says Matthew Moss, 34, a creative director at a marketing agency in Portland, Oregon. "'Oh, I'm exhausted.' The first thing you think is 'Oh, this guy is tired, which means he's probably been working really hard.' Or 'They're full of shit.'"

Mostly, it's the second one. When you walk into a colleague's office and he's sitting there rubbing his eyes and stifling yawns, dropping a Venti latte cup into a wastebasket and hollering at his assistant to bring him another Red Bull, do you think, Wow, what an overachiever!? No. Because he's the guy who puts on the same show at meetings, trying to bleed extra credit from an average performance—Can you believe I pulled this off despite my obvious exhaustion?

"I think people use tiredness as a defense mechanism," says Paul (who asked that his last name not be used), 30, a vice president at an investment bank in Manhattan. "If you're staying till three in the morning you must be doing something very important, right?"

It doesn't actually matter what you're doing. No one believes you—much less cares. The three-day stubble, the slack jaw, the really . . . long . . . pauses . . . between words—to observers it's all white-noise whining. Mr. I'm So Tired thinks his cartoonish fatigue is demonstrating his dauntingly high station in life. It isn't.

"People use tiredness as a proxy for effort," says Steve Gravenkemper, an organizational psychologist at Plante & Moran, a consulting and accounting firm based in Detroit. "They say, 'Gee, I tried real hard even though I didn't get the result, and you can see that by my exhaustion.'"

Andy (not his real name), a 27-year-old analyst at a hedge fund in Manhattan, says the long hours that he and his colleagues work mean that there's low tolerance for status tiredness, because everyone is fatigued.

"It's like, 'Yeah, I popped two Lunes last night at 4 a.m.—and I was in at the office at six,'" he says. "It's really absurd."

Maybe it's that other symbols of social standing—the summer house, the SUV—are now so commonplace that they've lost their value. Or it could just be that to use tiredness as an emblem of status is to enter the realm of the intangible. No one knows what you did after you left the office, or whether you actually feel the way you're behaving. And the significance of the fatigued act is lost on them anyway. They're too tired to care.

Imagine the Life of a Woman...

2008-06-10T08:41:00.001-07:00

Our good friend CJ sent this article over this morning. Not sure of the origin, so if someone knows where it came from, please let me know so I can give proper credit.

If you ever thought it was easy being a woman, think about this...

______________________

As I awoke this morning, put on my clothes, and walked out to the subway
it struck me that I would make a terrible female. If twenty three years
and nine months ago a XX sperm hadn’t been boxed out by the winning XY
squad then I would be Meghan and be living a completely different life
no doubt. But this isn’t to hypothesize as to what my life would be
like, nor a backhanded way to critique what could be perceived as flaws
in the female character, but to recognize and acknowledge just how
difficult it must be to make it in this world as a card carrying member
of the XX crowd – and to wake up thanking my dad every day for the
opportunity to live as a man.

And now, Why I’m Glad I’m No Woman:

1. Female Function:

The irony behind spending all day desiring vagina is that I wouldn’t
know what to do with myself if I had been born with one (and not in the
way you’re thinking). I’m just straight up at a loss for words at
how completely difficult it must be to maintain that thing as it seems
like there is just so much that can go wrong with it. Let’s get the
obvious out of the way here – you grow and carry around a baby for
nine months as it does all kinds of fucked up shit to your body. Good
god, I can’t commit to dog sitting for two weeks (and let’s not talk
about the few unfortunate goldfish that got stuck with me at some point
in their suddenly brief life), and your body is designed to carry around
one or more humans for what can be years of your life. Now chalk up my
irresponsibility and fear of commitment to immaturity, the only benefit
to pregnancy (besides the obvious result of bearing child) is eating
whatever you want. But I do that now anyways, and when you’re preggers
in this health conscious culture you need to consider just what you want
to be feeding your unborn. Plus you can’t drink or smoke for nine
fucking months? And I imagine a cold stiff one is all you want the whole
time. I can’t even go nine days.

And to avoid pregnancy (there’s always abortion, but ye gods I don’t
want to go there – it’s just another reason why no male should have
any choice in the matter), you could go on birth control. I tried to
take a vitamin every day but barely lasted a week. Maybe my vitamin c
count is below average, but the consequences for not taking a magic pill
AT THE SAME TIME everyday is A BABY. Plus, can you imagine going on a
routine with that pill like an AIDS patient with their ACT, and not be
getting laid? I think that would derail/motivate me more than anything,
like having the ability to fly at the same time I’m scared of being
outside.

Another fantastic consequence to be responsible for fucking with your
natural menstruation cycle is this horrid phenomenon called
“spotting.” So you’re telling me that not only am I using drugs
for tricking my uterus into cleaning house once a month regardless of
visitors, but it’s going to further punish me by randomly ruining my
favorite underwear without warning at any given time? That shit’s
fucked up and when I first heard about it I could only begin to
understand how paranoid I would be – my uterus could strike at any
time!

So enough with babies – every time women have sex they have to piss
shortly afterwards to prevent infection! How is that little health tip
breached? I learned from afternoon sitcoms that all I had to do after
sex was roll over and go to sleep, but you never see a woman run for the
toilet on prime time! Even with infections and toxic shock and birth
control pills and spotting under control, there are still a million more
things that can go wrong down there! Men and women tend to share a lot
of the same STDs, but with shit like HPV (and I know there’s more),
there are diseases that guys never know they have, are never affected
by, and can pass on and kill women! The worst consequence of sleeping
with me should be a hangover, morning awkwardness, a walk of shame, and
social ridicule – never death!

It comes down to the fact that for the female gender, sex is a far
bigger risk and commitment then for men. This biological fact has
trickled down and affected EVERYTHING attributing to the differences
between our genders. Men are programmed to impregnate as many women as
possible and women are programmed to find the balance of great genes and
caretaker ability and hold him down for life. Both genders will
eternally struggle against that natural instinct in the age of birth
control and promiscuity.

Plus – another thing. Boobs. Sure guys might suffer some penis envy
when comparing oneself to a certain porn star, and often boast (usually
unfounded) at length about their length, etc. but unless you’re
streaking down the hall (and slow) there is no public display of
inadequacy. However, a woman’s chest is generally on display for
everyone to scrutinize and I can’t begin to imagine how those racks on
either extreme (huge or minimal) have to deal with the wide array of
judgment, lust, and competition out there. You might tell me that women
aren’t as self conscious about their chests like men are with their
genitals, but I’ve heard boob jobs have never been more popular, and I
can’t support that shit. Also, breast cancer is horrible and very
public whereas I could switch out a nut for a bouncy ball and not notice
the difference. Plus running without a jock strap is nothing compared to
doing so without a sports bra.

In conclusion on this point: I was born, circumcised, and since
haven’t had to care for my male genitals more so than my elbow. I’ll
take a few cheap shots to the nuts over childbirth (or as I hear,
stretching my lips over my head).

2. Looking presentable is time consuming and co$tly for females.

As I mentioned earlier, I can wake up, pick up the clothes off the
floor, and walk out the door. The necessary maintenance for myself (and
I’m talking minimum here) includes:

- a $12 haircut every two for four months

- replacing a razor/shaving cream every other month

- a bottle of hair gel each year

- a bottle of Pert Plus and Body Wash a month

and LITERALLY that’s it. When I’ve worn every article of clothing I
own, I walk downstairs and shove everything into a giant laundry machine
and after a drying cycle replaced them in my room. That’s laundry and
that’s about once a month as well. I can exist with a nail clipping
here and there, on a load of laundry a month and a trip to Duane Reade
every other. I’m no movie star or gorgeous athlete, I’m just an
average looking male whose day to day consists of little more than a
shave and a shower.

Women, on the other hand, might be able to get away with running out the
door once in a while, but spend almost equal time preparing for leaving
the apartment as they spend on the outside.

Let’s start at the top.

Haircuts for women are pricey. Sure, I might have a few options when
figuring out how to style my hair, but the possibilities for females are
endless – I can’t even wrap my head around it. For that, they pay
way too much money too often at the salon for a cut, at the store for
products, in the bathroom/bedroom for washing, drying, and styling
purposes. Then when you go out, it’s windy, and all been done for
naught. When I’m feeling wild, I squeeze some goop in my hand and run
it through my hair that’s been shampooed and conditioned by one
product. Done.

Aside from eyebrow plucking, face waxing, mascara, foundation, blush,
eyeliner, lipstick, blah blah blah, a woman is never satisfied with her
face, which is why we rarely get to see it al natural. All that money is
spent on creams and cosmetics and pain to put on a face and take it off
daily, everyday. And like most painters that can’t leave well enough
alone, the imperfections are covered up with more imperfections and the
makeup just piles on until it’s beyond excessive. I am eternally
grateful for the option to not have a mirror in my place and coming to
grips that I wouldn’t be able to change anything anyway.

Then we get to the wardrobe. I can mix and match shirts and pants,
shirts and ties, etc. All I need is a brown/black belt/set of shoes and
a suit. I know exactly what is expected of me at a formal, business, and
casual event and can match it easily. There is little demand to be
creative and successful outfits are often repeated. I don’t know where
I’d find the money or closet space to meet the demands placed on the
women of our fashion focused culture. You will never have enough shoes,
dresses, outfits, or accessories and we all know this. I celebrate the
fact that as long as I’m socially presentable I’ll never have to go
beyond dressing to impress on a daily basis. I can change clothes in
less than a minute and not have to question how I look because 94% of
the people that will see me that day won’t give a fuck. Not so for
women. You judge yourself, you judge each other – it’s something you
expect and demand. There’s nothing more I can say about your clothes
except that I would never be accepted by better dressed people if I were
a girl.

Men are hairy. I like that. Even when we don’t shave we look ok,
whereas women are presumed hairless from eyelashes down and that’s a
lot to live up to. If I had to shave my legs everyday just to leave the
house I might just move to someplace North where it’s cold all the
time. Plucking, waxing, shaving, creams, etc. etc. you’re a slave to
the standard. And you know what? It’s nice. You’re soft, smooth,
sleek, and beautiful in all the ways men are not and that’s what makes
me a heterosexual. There’s really nothing I can say or do or think to
change this fact that I’m just super happy it’s ok for me to be
hairy. I embrace it today as I embraced it a decade ago – I’m just
glad I don’t have to do it.

And finally, in this category at least, your bodies: Women, I presume,
are under pressure to have big boobs, no waist, nice ass, toned legs, et
al. I’d say it’s a fact that where a guy can manage a larger
waistline, a belly is very exaggerated on a woman. It’s in part due to
the way dresses and tight tops are made for women, or how exposed
midriffs happen frequently, but it’s noticeable. So, not only are you
shilling for manicures, pedicures, facials, “getting your hair
done,” more shoes, shirts, dresses, purses, jewelry, etc. but if you
aren’t in a gym, you’re doing something wrong. The big man is
respected, the big woman mocked – that’s just how it is. Watch a
Hungry Man commercial then flip to Kristie Ally hawking weight watchers
products. How terrible that on top of your stomach crunches you
shouldn’t be drinking beer or eating wings or enjoying carbs and
calories? Case in point – the King of Queens (big man Kevin James) and
his super hot wife.

And if you do all of this right? You’re wearing the right power suit
to command respect and attention whilst still asserting your womanhood,
trimmed, styled, and primped to feel the confidence you need to do
anything, and? The end result is you’re still hit on by some sleazy
drunk guy at the bar. Well, hey, you get free drinks and you might as
well stay out, it took you over an hour to get ready to leave anyhow.

3. Female role models?

My last point in this long winded rant, and before you jump all over me
here, is that I’m glad to be a guy because they public figures I want
to relate to are guys. Now, hold on, think for a minute. What are some
of your favorite bands? Favorite tv shows? Favorite writers? Favorite
celebrities? It’s natural to want to be them and when you’re singing
along; it’s a guy’s voice isn’t it? I’m selfish to want my
karaoke attempt to be in the same tone as the original artist. I’m
selfish to read and want to relate to my favorite writers because even
though they’re gay (Sedaris, Palahniuk, Burroughs) they’re still
guys. How many famous comedians are of the XX clan? We all know
Silverman isn’t really that funny. Simply put, the media is still
dominated right now by men. Women are taking an edge, but I’m still in
the majority. I mean, perhaps I’m naturally drawn to guys BECAUSE I
relate to them, but I wouldn’t be surprised that women have more men
on their bookshelves, in their ipods, and next to the tv. I’ll take
Indiana Jones over Tomb Raider and James Bond over Devil Wears Prada.

To conclude this whole damn thing, I just want to say I love women and
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the pressures on the gender as
a whole and don’t think I would be able to hack it. I’ve gained a
new respect for you all because you put up with us. I can understand
being crazy because it would make me crazy too. And I just want to thank
you for all the work you all do for us. Women are the number one reason
I’m not gay and I’m certain gay men appreciate you for that as well.

What do you think about Hillary and her loss among women?

2008-06-07T08:21:00.001-07:00

This article is from Time magazine, discussing why more women didn't vote for Hillary.

What do you think? Add your comments to this post at the bottom.
______________________

No one expected Clinton to sweep 90% of Democratic women voters, but 60% wouldn't have been an unreasonable accomplishment for the first woman to have a serious chance of winning the presidency. Instead, Clinton won just over a majority of women's votes.

So what does that mean? Clinton and her supporters have charged that sexism is responsible for her loss of the nomination. But it seems more likely that women themselves cost her the nod. The reasons more women haven't voted for Clinton tell us something about the evolution of feminism and what the future may hold for female politicians.

Clinton's run has exposed a divide between what could be termed optimist and pessimist feminists. It's a split between those who see Clinton's candidacy as groundbreaking--as the first of many serious runs by strong women--and those who count backward to Geraldine Ferraro in 1984 and conclude that this kind of opportunity comes along only once in a generation. For this latter group, Clinton's candidacy took on a pressing urgency: If not now, when? If not her, who?

What unites the pessimists--many of whom are older women or women who don't work outside the home--is the persistent belief that women continue to face sexism and barriers in the workplace. Some may have an outmoded sense of the obstacles women face on the job, while others may well have left a workplace that made it hard for them to maintain a work-life balance. In both cases, they're more likely to place value in the symbolic power of electing a woman President.

Optimist feminists, on the other hand, don't question that a woman can become President or that it will occur in their lifetime. When these women look around, they see themselves making up half of business- and medical-school classes. They are law partners, CEOs and university presidents. And they don't want to rally behind a female candidate simply because she is a woman.

______________________

Carlos Comments:

Sexism? Really?

Her gender was a factor, but why do you think that the running joke during these primaries is that if you voted for Hillary you were a lesbian? I heard that more than once.

And could it be that Hillary doesn't pull the younger woman vote because they don't want to vote for someone who reminds them of their mom?

Will a woman be elected to the White House anytime soon?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but I'd love to hear your comments. Add them to this post by clicking the comments link below...

CX

Did you notice this....?

2008-06-06T09:32:00.001-07:00

Yeah, like all crazy hardcore gamers, I got my copy of Grand Theft Auto 4 a few weeks back. (GTA for you acronym junkies.)

One of the interactions had me cracking up. One of the characters, Brucie, texts you and ends it with "Stay Alpha."

Pretty funny, I thought.

- CX

Is Carlos Just Blowing Smoke?

2008-06-05T13:06:00.001-07:00

I enjoyed this recent email from someone who wanted to berate me for my reckless citation of statistics.

I thought you might like it, too...
______________________

QUESTION(?) FROM A READER:

You say that marriage is no measure for success because 50% end in divorce.

First of all, that's not true.

You're just regurgitating an urban legend without bothering to check the facts.

Hardly the kind of information I'd expect from an 'expert' on relationships.

There is a lot of arguments AGAINST getting married. For me, I like the freedom.

But, to argue that being married is no sign post of success because half fail is laughable.

If you STILL are married, that means (at least according to your flawed data) you beat the odds.

How is that not clear?

As far as people questioning your ability to provide advice, that's what you SHOULD expect.

They SHOULD ask you tough questions. And, you are right that the proof is in the pudding.

But, ultimately if people aren't persuaded that you can help them elevate their game, they won't buy what you're selling...

Big Daddy
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Sorry, you're incorrect. Over 50% of marriages eventually end in divorce. The statistics are even worse for second marriages.

Percentage of married people who reach their 5th, 10th, and 15th anniversaries:
5th: 82%
10th: 65%
15th: 52%

(SOURCE: http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsus.shtml)
After 15 years, yes, it goes past 50%. What I believe you're referring to is the 'probability of divorce.' These statistics are hard to pin down, but let's let common sense dictate. We're all keenly aware that an alarming number of marriages don't work.

(However, in 2005, divorce rate was down. But then, so was the marriage rate. Interesting.)

And even more distressing:
As of 2003, 43.7% of custodial mothers and 56.2% of custodial fatherswere either separated or divorced.

We could boggle each other with statistics all day long, couldn't we? Oh, that would be so much fun.

But you also did not interpret what I said correctly. I'm not arguing against marriage at all. Re-read the information again.
Marriage is not an indicator of success.

SUCCESS is. Too many people look to an institution to provide them with happiness through the fulfillment of an incomplete life.
The what isn't as important as the WHY.

Thanks for the feedback. Best of luck.

Keep reading... You'll learn more if you stick with it.

By the way, Big Daddy, I sense some anger in you. Where did that come from?

- CX

PS: Nowhere do I claim to be an expert on relationships. I am an expert on many areas that could help you with that need to lash out at someone who is helping men and fulfilling his purpose and passions. I hope you find yours, big daddy.

Read more here:
https://www.alphaconfidence.com/praiseforcarlosxuma.php

Also, it should be realized that the "close to 50%" divorce rate refers to the percentage of marriages entered into during a particular year that are projected to end in divorce or separation before one spouse dies. Such projections assume that the divorce and death rates occurring that year will continue indefinitely into the future-an assumption that is useful more as an indicator of the instability of marriages in the recent past than as a predictor of future events. In fact, the divorce rate has been dropping, slowly, since reaching a peak around 1980, and the rate could be lower - or higher - in the future than it is today.

Negative Personal Ads

2008-05-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

I got this little tidbit from my good pal, Dave M.

Take a read through this article excerpt, then go read the whole thing...

What do you think? Do negative ads work? Should they work?

Open Hostility
Are negative personal ads refreshingly frank or just angry?

By Amy Sohn (Email) Published Oct 16, 2005

Any Internet dater is familiar with the personal-ad format: You toot your own horn to the point of ridiculousness and then, just so the reader doesn’t think you’re completely egotistical, throw in a mildly self-deprecating comment for good measure. If the ads are to be believed, everyone who dates online is intelligent, fit, caring, sensitive, and, of course, unmarried. But the truth is, anyone posting a personal ad is acknowledging their own singlehood, so when we read those self-aggrandizing adjectives, we know they mask someone more vulnerable than the ad might have us believe.

Aware of this, some posters choose to undersell, mocking themselves and potential respondents at the same time. They see their dark worldview as something to be proud of, not to hide, and post ads like “In search of bird with broken wing,” “Total jerk seeks total bitch,” or “Damaged Goods.” The philosophy is that honest, if negative, ads will reach the right people. And if these ads attract more psychos than the positive ones, at least the psychos make for more interesting dates, these posters say.

My friend Tim, 43, a storeowner who looks like John Lurie, calls himself the “king of negative personal ads.” He’s posted negative ads for three of the four years he’s been Internet dating, with headlines like “Seeking pre-operative Jewish girl,” and “Ex-girlfriend look-alike contest,” and says he feels he’s found the G-spot. “I finally reached the demographic I was seeking,” he says. “I realized I was less interested in trying to impress them with a well-selected restaurant than in finding the right wavelength.” That wavelength, he says, is “a kindred spirit I can have sex with, a chick who likes Bukowski.”

When he posted an ad on Craigslist recently that said “I hate you already,” he got dates with two women. One was on crutches and the other had just had knee surgery. I told him that with an ad like that, he’d gotten what he asked for. “I’m not trying to woo innocence,” he says. “I’m not looking for someone to take home to Mama.” Then why not place an overt casual-sex ad? “Because I don’t want to have sex with someone I’m not interested in. I want to watch a Fassbinder film with a woman, pause, have sex, and then watch the third act with her.”

What are women thinking?

2008-05-27T09:07:00.001-07:00

Question from a "confused" reader:

Carlos, I just got your Dating Black Book and I wish I would have gotten it a week earlier.

I very confused by this fun and pretty girl. We met at a party, I laid low for a few days, then asked her to come with me to a fashion show (she's a print model so i knew she would come). The date went well and we had dinner after the show, she asked all the questions that showed she was interested in me (my family, background, goals, etc). We made out, got way too drunk, then I took her back to her place and I kissed her good night, and told her I wanted to come in, but I never do that on the first date, she looked confused but relieved at the same time. Clearly that doesn't happen to her often.

We had some flity texts the following week and I thought she was into me. I waited a few days and coincidentally I got tickets to one of her favorite bands that she told me about on our date. I left her a funny voicemail telling her should wouldn't beleive what I received that day. No call. In fact I didn't hear from her at all. So I waited 3 days, and texted her a funny text, she came right back within minutes...

She replied that she was having drinks with a friend. So I wanted to stop this game and told her to enjoy her night, and maybe we could get together later in the week.

So Carlos, I'm confused. Date 1 went great, I followed up with fun texts letting her know I enjoyed the night. I faded back for a few days to give her space, then when I try to see if she wants to go out again, she acts aloof, and then says that she has plans and tries to counter with some lame brunch during the day.

But what really got me is that she re-initiated contact with her text to me when she was having drinks with a friend during the night I proposed to take her out.

Clearly I was on her mind, and I don't thinks she's a mean girl, but was she trying to make me jealous or is she crying for attention from me?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS WITH A REVELATION:

Yep, she really got you, all right.

What I'm about to say is going to come as a revelation to some of you, and others will hear this and say, "Huh?"

If you're one of the latter, keep re-reading this until you get it...

Are you ready for the revelation?

Here it is:

Women are only thinking about you when you're in their presence, or you have generated enough attraction for her to want to be in your presence again.

Let me say that another way, because it may not be clear enough...

Women don't think about guys unless they are interested in them enough to want to be with them again - and follow through.

Let me ask you this:

If you were into a woman, and she called you up and said, "Hey, let's go out to Sam's Cafe and get a beer tonight," would you refuse her?

Hell no! You'd go.

Because you were interested, and there was an opportunity to act on it and get what you wanted.

Now, for some reason we guys seem to think that women really play this hard-to-get thing seriously and for some reason a woman in the same situation wouldn't say yes. She would say no just to be coy.

Uh, no. If she's into you, she'll find a way to get with you.

Women do not sit around and plot out elaborate ways to deny themselves pleasure.

Really.

Your job is to drive her interest level in you up so high that she CANNOT refuse a date with you under any situation.

That's it, my man. That's your duty. Anything else is playing it safe.

What you're guilty of here is mentally creating her attraction based on the fact that she showed you a SMALL, slight indication of interest. Her calling you does not constitute interest on her part, as much as I'd like to tell you that.

Sorry, but that's just a momentary fluctuation in her mood.

She was probably just trying to make herself feel better for having backed out on your plans. (Women do this A LOT as a way to maintain the image of the "good girl.")

Is she interested in you?

It doesn't matter until she follows through on it.

Let me put it this way: You have no room for a woman in your life that is interested in you BUT goes out of her way to deny herself (and YOU) the reality of actually getting together.

You get me?

Just imagine what kind of games are in your future with a woman who would keep this B.S. up.

This kind of game playing is infantile and immature, and you don't have the time for it. Your life is busy - hell, CROWDED - with women to get with.

Isn't it?

If it isn't, you should get busy learning the Alpha Lifestyle and my Advanced Secrets of the Alpha Man program.

Remember my Rule of Attraction: A woman isn't into you until she takes ACTION on her desire.

When The Feminine Mystique Is Broken - The Spell Is Lifted

2008-05-26T14:11:00.001-07:00

Thanks mostly to your program I have progressed in a couple of years from being dateless and a virgin to dating beautiful women. It's been hard but so worth it! Bulding up self-esteem was critical part for me as well as dispelling some of that mystique that beautiful women have around them.

This is something I have not seen covered it your materials but I feel it's crucial.

A few days ago I went through a breakup with a woman of my dreams. She is not just physically beautiful but successful and intelligent. What has really surprised me in her was her honesty and well-intentioned criticism of me which has pushed me to be a better man. This is a person I could grow much faster with. It was a challenge to my character and hard as it was at times I stuck with it.

Due to me wimping out on occasions, our age difference and her desire to have a child we broke up. But I believe if I didn't wimp out we could have had a future.

I can deal with this, heart-breaking as it is. I'm not writing to ask how to get her back. Carlos, I have approached several hundrededs of women (maybe more). When I started on this journey I had a high expecation of women. Most of those were destroyed when I realised most women don't have confidence or high-character. But this is a real alpha-female and I have been fortunate to meet her.

I can't be with a lesser woman. I'm at a point where it seems hopeless to find one on par to this standard. I am doubting I can find one like her again. Please, give me some hope and perspective Carols because it's all crumbling down as is my motivation.

After a great success everything becomes ordinary.

Thanks,
J from Sydney
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Congratulations! The Spell has been lifted! You can now see the Matrix for what it really is.

You're in an interesting place right now. It's something like this...

When you're a kid, you don't even realize what it's like to be interested in girls. All you ever do is play with your toys, watch TV, play video games...

Play play play.

Girls are just that strange alien life form that you don't understand.

You smile, you shrug, and then you go back to playing with your Legos or your action figures.

Then comes a time when you're about 9 or 10 years old (some younger, some much older) where you start to really find yourself staring at hot women in ads and on television. And suddenly Sally next door looks pretty interesting to you. You start to wonder what's going on under that dress of hers.

In other words, you experience what I call the "Mind Switch." It's a significant change in your perspective that changes the way you think forever.

Just like finding out Santa Clause was made up.

Once you flip these Mind Switches, you're never the same man again. You've just grown up a little.

It's like this once you realize that you can actually use the Alpha Strategies and techniques that I teach to attract QUALITY women. This is not like making out with a drunk girl in a bar that you'll never talk to again.

This is REAL attraction.

With a REAL woman.

And it's the REAL reason you become a confident Alpha Man - so that you can get the GOOD ones. The QUALITY women.

Your perspective on this situation is pretty simple:

1) You now know that there is a much more attractive and satisfying kind of woman to pursue in life.

By the way, this is the same experience for a woman to find a guy that is truly ALPHA. It's a whole new level of attraction and satisfaction.

This is what it's like for a woman to find a guy that is truly ALPHA, and it's the same thing for a guy when he finds an "Alpha" woman.

2) You now know that you can actually ATTRACT these high quality women when you find them.

You see, if you had just stayed at the level of a mere "pickup artist," you'd be going to bars every night, working on your "game," and pretty much not develop beyond that limited sphere of interacting with 22 year old party girls.

Hey, that's fine, for a little while. It's a great training ground. But it's also very limited. Kind of like being an actor stuck playing the same scene over and over and over and over again.

Maybe you've seen the movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray where he keeps waking up and re-living the same day over and over again.

(Bar and club pickup is just like the movie "Groundhog Day" for this reason.)

So when you learn the big picture, you can also see a whole new playing field.

HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU NEXT...

You're going through your next "Mind Switch" where you go from idolizing and worshipping women, to being a little disappointed in them. You realize that the illusion and overpowering magic of femininity is just that - an elaborate game of hide-and-seek.

You were seeking her purity, and she hides her not-so-attractive qualities.

Right now you're realizing that there are women out there that you do NOT want to have a relationship because of the disastrous and catastrophic effect they would have on you.

(Sadly, many men just marry the first woman who will sleep with them, and they end up with 3 kids, a dead marriage, and eventual divorce by the time they're in their late 30s. Don't be this guy. Choose well.)

And then you realize that it's not women that you were chasing all this time. It was all a fantasy and a dream.
The NEXT big Mind Switch you're about to go through is where you have to RE-learn your appreciation for women again, only now it's from a completely different perspective.

You're about to go on the best part of this journey of learning how women work and what women want.

It's where you get past the clever media advertising and the social pretenses. You stop seeing women as objects and you start seeing them for what they are... as flesh-and-blood beings, capable of being a wonderful addition to your Alpha Lifestyle.

They don't "complete" you.

YOU complete you.

You also discover that with this new Mind Switch, attracting women is now SIMPLE - mostly because you no longer project neediness and desperation for women.

Yes, I know there's a short period where you're a little bummed and disillusioned, but that's okay. We all go through that. A mature and capable adult gets past this in no time at all and grows from the experience.

This is also another one of those things I call the "high quality problem."

In other words, it's a good problem to have.

Would you rather be ignorant and getting NO success with women, or ...

Would you rather be getting so much success with women that you can now relax and see them as normal human beings?

Now you can find the magic of REAL life rather than the false magic of mental illusion.

Welcome, Neo, to the REAL world.

If you're reading this right now and you want to know how to break out of the Matrix and become the Alpha Man that women want, you need to read my groundbreaking e-book: The Dating Black Book.

Get your copy and never be confused about women and dating again...

Carlos Xuma
https://www.datingdynamics.com

Dating Tips For Guys

2008-05-23T13:23:00.001-07:00

QUESTION FROM A READER:

Hi Carlos,

First off, thanks for the great information you present in your programs! I have several of them and they really have helped me to not focus on getting a woman to fulfill my life, but to have a fulfilling life first and then having the women follow.

I have a question though that I think is not covered in your programs: I'm working towards having a more social life and expanding my social circle, and although my friends invite me to events sometimes, this is not happening on a weekly basis (besides, if I want to be an Alpha man, I should eventually be the one taking the lead and making plans for everybody!).

The problem is I tend to be more of an introverted person, and the activities I'm into (playing percussion, racing with my car on a race track, learning salsa dancing, reading self-improvement material, to mention a few) do not lend themselves to socializing much.

Instead of the usual stuff (going to see a movie, bowling, eating out), what example activities do you recommend that are of general interest and lead to socialization/bonding? I have gone online and searched for event calendars for events where I live, but these event calendars either mention few events and/or they're not particularly interesting (at least to me).

What do you recommend doing in this case? For example, what does your typical weekend look like? I'm thinking that if I can have activities planned out for every weekend, not only will my social circle expand, but then it'll be easier to plan dates with women (since I don't have to make plans for her on the spot, I already have them ready!)

Any guidance you can give me in this regard will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Regards,

J. H. from Miami
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Hey, Jessie...

You might want to try some of the events that don't "sound" too interesting and do them anyway. We're all guilty of staying in our comfort zones a bit too much, and often we try and project our future interest level and how much fun we'll have before we even try it.

Don't try to predict how much fun you'll have. Instead, get out and DO IT.

Most of what you find interesting today started out as something that you didn't know would be interesting at first. But you tried it, and here you are.

Most of the dating tips for guys that you find seem a bit uncomfortable to use, but if you try them and use them with the right attitude, they work fantastic. But, unfortunately, most people don't USE the advice that works just because they discount it or dismiss it in their heads.

I'd say about 90% of the people I know try to predict how fun something is based solely on things they already like to do, and they talk themselves out of things they've never even tried. Now, if you never try anything new, you pretty much know how it's going to turn out, don't you?

Second, you might try looking in more than one location for things to do. I've found that most people will try, but to really DIG into the events in your area, you're going to have to a little bit of work.

Here are some ideas:

- Look on Craigslist

- Look around for unknown publications or cult newspapers

- Go online and really search the hell out of your location on Google: "singles events Detroit" for example.

- Use your search as an approach opener for women you see on the street: "Hey, I'm trying to find some cool things for me and my friends to do... What do you do on the weekends here?"

- Go to every store in your area and chat up the female (and male) clerks. Ask them: "So do you know any killer cool things to do here that I haven't found yet? I'm on a hunt for adventure..."

I guarantee you if you ask enough people, you will find some really cool stuff out there.

Start with that, and then let me know what happens...

For more Dating Tips for Guys, take a look at this article...

Here are some notes on success...

2008-05-22T08:58:00.001-07:00

Dan Kennedy is one of those lucid writers who knows how to cut right through to the good stuff.

Read his explanation of how to achieve the goals you set for yourself.

And while you're at it, keep this in a frame where you think about this not as SALES, but as selling yourself in the dating and relationship marketplace...

______________________

Paul Meyer said: if you aren’t achieving what you want to achieve, it is probably because your goals are not clearly enough defined. Maxwell Maltz would say that they aren’t transferred into sufficiently vivid, complete and frequently looked at mental pictures. All that is valid but incomplete; only the first square on the achievement game board.

Another piece; from The Renegade Millionaire System: BEHAVIORAL CONGRUITY. You must bring your behavior congruent to your goals. It is very important to link goals and behavior.

Another piece: resources. Can’t build a nest without twigs, grass, leaves and super glue. Gotta gather up the stuff to do the job.

Another piece: action.

Another piece: decisive, quick, ruthless discard and destruction of whatever or whoever stands in your way. Most people have far too high of a tolerance level for dysfunctional people, distractions and piles of dung flung at them.

Another piece: extraordinary, aggressive, progressive marketing and promotion. Make no mistake: having an excellent product or delivering exceptional service is not enough. Not even close. Nor is credibility. We live in a very cluttered, competitive and fragmented marketplace filled with both overt and stealth advertising.

You need realistic assessment of what you are up against, in terms of getting through to people, earning their attention and interest, motivating them to fit you into their busy lives. These days, asking for time from people is at least as difficult as asking for their money.

Flowers?

2008-05-19T07:48:00.001-07:00

There is something that puzzles me. Should I give a woman flowers on the first date or on the second or third time that I see her. If I do, won't she know that I like her and she will the power to reject me.

But buying flowers for a girl is such a common practice or have we guys been doing the wrong thing? I am always so tempted to buy flowers for the girl that I like but fear letting her know too prematurely that I like her.

So should I play it cool?
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Well, I'm glad you contacted me. After you read this, you won't be confused anymore.

Let me clear this up for you:

Never buy a woman flowers...

But that's only until you understand the complete reason WHY you don't buy a woman flowers.

THEN you can buy a woman flowers.

When you give a woman flowers, what you're saying is this:

"I'm inadequate as a man to attract you with the primal and sexual methods, so I'm going to resort to bribery to get you interested in me."

Sounds kinda crazy, doesn't it? But that's the reality. You see, most guys are on autopilot when it comes to their dating habits... and as a result, they're crashing and burning.
I get this question about flowers a lot, and I have to admit I'm always amazed that in this day and age we still think that this is the correct way to attract a woman - by giving her gifts of affection to 'prove' ourselves to the woman.

Here's the reality you need to understand:

Watch the guys that attract women on a regular basis. Not the ones that are running pickup lines on drunk chicks in bars. I'm talking about the guys that can walk up and approach a woman on the street without any hesitation.

These guys that are most successful with women do NOT give women flowers.

They give women the gift of Alpha Confidence. They show a woman that they are valuable by not trying to give away their value when they walk up and start a conversation. It's not overt or pushy, or even "cocky," really.

It's simply them being sure that talking this woman is NOT the most important thing for them at that moment.

You see, most guys use flowers as a crutch and a lame way of saying: "I really like you. I need to impress you, because I don't have enough personality or charisma to do it with ME. So here are some flowers. Do you like me now? Here, let me compliment you on how beauuuutiful you are. Do you like me now? Can I get your number? Get a date? Get get get get GET GET GET..."

Ooh, that's a wicked little spiral for you to get caught in, my friend. Don't let it get that far.

I also want you to remember this rule of life: If everyone is doing it, it's probably not a very powerful strategy.

Of course I'm not talking about eating and bathing and brushing your teeth. Those are good ways to be like most people.

I'm talking about the behaviors that you see out there that are NOT getting results.

If what you're doing is not working for you - STOP doing it and re-think it.

And I don't mean with your logical mind, either.

Chances are, logic and rational thinking hasn't gotten you too far with women, has it?

Well, perhaps it's time for a new strategy that is proven and WORKS.

Yes, play it cool. Chill out. Relax.

All that nervous and anxious energy you have about women gets communicated when you find one you like and probably will scare her right off.

Remember that the Alpha Man has about a dozen other cool things he could be doing at any given moment. And that even means a dozen things other than talking to a woman...

How quick to you want to respond to a woman?

2008-05-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

Hey Carlos,

I love your material. I've read the Dating Black Book and I'm going through Approach Women Now - um, now.

So here's my question: How quickly do you recommend responding to emails and phone calls from women?

I've been trying to play it cool in terms of how quickly I respond to a few women I'm interested in. But I think I've been playing it too cool. Sometimes I don't respond by email or phone for several days after I hear from them. I was hoping that my aloofness would drive their interest - but I don't think it has.

I wonder if by not getting back to them in a timely manner I'm sending the wrong message - that I'm not interested in them. Also, perhaps I'm setting an example, basically showing that it's okay for them to be slow in getting back to me. At the same time, I'm worried that if I respond quickly I will come across as needy or overly-interested. (I'm at the computer all day long so I can respond to emails whenever I want.)

I often pretend I'm too busy in order to make myself seem more valuable, but this hasn't worked well for me so far.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Thanks a lot.

Bill
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

A lot of guys are hung up on the whole "How soon do I call her?"

After all, you don't want to call too soon and look needy. But on the other hand, when you realize that you've probably been doing this most of your life, you realize that another method is necessary. But then you end up going too far in the opposite direction and she loses interest.

I remember distinctly reading some other "guru's" advice about this where they said that you need to wait between 5 and 9 days to call a woman back.

WHOAH!!!!

No way. You only do that if you:

1) want to make sure she forgets you (because no matter how slick you were on that first approach, there are a dozen other guys she will meet between then and your eventual call, and

2) The more time that goes by is the more time she has to figure out why you two wouldn't work out.

In the absence of positive evidence, we all start to draw negative conclusions. I don't care how much of an optimist you are.

So here's the reality, from my keyboard to your brain:

Call her when it's time to call her.

A lot of guys want the whole "I'm so busy that you should be attracted to me" thing.

Here's a little news-flash...

(Whisper:) It has to be REAL.

Uh, yeah.

Pretending that you're busy is like pretending that you're a rock star. You'll be deluded, you'll look foolish, and you'll be hurting your game.

When you sit around waiting on a woman's call, you'll just be creating MORE neediness and desperation. That doesn't change just because you're pretending to be busy.

Here's a really novel suggestion: Why don't you GET busy for REAL?

That's how this works to make people more interested in you. If you're just playing Mr. Popular, you won't have the same effect on people.

Don't be a pretender. Be a REAL Alpha Man.

It works out much better for you in the long run.

Go out for the next 5 days, whether you have something to do or not. Start by creating a hive of activity in your life and let that be the fuse that lights the bomb of your social life.

It won't happen on its own, that much I can guarantee you.

So go light it.

And if you need to learn the skills to approach women and create this social life explosion, go look at my program for approaching women. I'll let you decide if it can help you out...

- Carlos

Are We Becoming Anti-Sexual?

2008-05-11T10:35:00.001-07:00

I just saw a spot on BBC news over here in Greece that highlighted a man's book about the best places in Paris to watch women.

Then they promptly brought on a butch lesbian woman to protest it and call it demeaning to women.

WHATEVER.

God, I love media distortion.

Well, the truth is that if you know what to look for, you won't be fooled by messages like this. They appear often on the television, and if you're not careful, you might think that they're real.

The message goes something like this:

"{news item of lurid and normal sexual content}"

followed immediately by:

"{contrary opinion that might seem sensible if you're not paying attention}"

and finally leaving you with:

"{confusion and more internal contradiction making you feel self-conscious about your natural masculine desires...}"

And you just feel:

"{SHAME}"

Guys everywhere, let's proclaim with confidence:

"We love looking at women! We think about sex! And we don't care if you know about it!"

Now, I'm going back to my vacation here in Greece where I'm looking at all the naughty parts that are supposed to make you feel bad.

:-)

- Carlos

Cocky and Funny

2008-05-09T21:46:00.001-07:00

Hey Carlos!

Thanks for writing the Dating Black Book. It is very well written and I'm on page 400.

However, my experience is this: I see an attractive woman and I get this serious attitude. This is a person an individual that should be respected as such. Trying to be "cocky" or funny seems like a good idea or teasing her seems inappropriate.

Why does this work and why should they respect such an approach?

From Richard in Greenbelt, MD.
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Let's follow my usual 2-prong approach to understanding this question from the inside out.

First of all, there's an inner game side to this and an outer game side to it.

INNER GAME EXPLANATION:

When you first encounter teachings like my "tease to please" concept, the first thing your mind will do is try to stop you from doing it.

1) Because it's different than what you're used to, and that's human nature to resist change.

2) Because your "nice guy" identity is suddenly being challenged.

This is a big one.

You see, whenever you come up against your own sense of what is "appropriate" or not, you are probably running up against your own shame.

That's right.

SHAME.

You see, when you were a kid, you were made to feel guilty and feel less acceptance of yourself if you "offended" or "made" other people not accept you. This is the most common of all self-esteem killers, and yet no one talks about it.

You have to understand that as well-meaning as the people were around you, you got into a dangerous game of "I gotta make people accept and like me." You did this because it's only natural for people to want to be accepted as part of the group.

But when you place MORE importance on other people's concept of you, you run into a situation where you never control your own self-confidence.

Remember what I say: NEVER give someone else the power to make you feel good about yourself. They don't have the right or the skills.

And it's for this reason - that you feel this inner sense of "uh-oh, this might not be 'appropriate' to say to her" - that you MUST actually do it.

Because even if she isn't completely blown away by your approach, you'll still be sending the right message to your subconscious mind that says "I'm a strong man who doesn't need other people to approve of me."

OUTER GAME EXPLANATION:

The reason that this technique of teasing works is because of several psychological factors:

1) By doing something socially "risky," you're telling her with your attitude that you're not another "nice guy" suck-up looking for everyone's approval.

2) By challenging her a little, you set up a positive sexual charge between you and her.

This is called sexual tension, and it's the one thing that most of the "nice guys" never do because they are afraid of disapproval.

But without TENSION - good tension - between you and a woman, there is no charge and no ATTRACTION.

It's the same reason that a battery works. There is a part of the battery that is desperate to get the charge from the other side, and when they're connected, you get heat - or light - or a text on your cell phone.

When everyone is neutral and nice, we're all bored to freakin' DEATH.

She'll respect this approach simply because you are showing something I call SINGULAR ALPHA INDEPENDENCE.

That means that you can stand alone and strong on your own.

And to a woman, this is one of the most attractive things to her.

If you want to learn more about this concept and how to attract women, I suggest you get busy learning my rules of Alpha Man Confidence...

Live... From Greece! It's the Carlos Xuma show...

2008-05-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, I just thought I'd drop you a line from here in wonderful Greece where I'm currently taking a little break from things before I start my next project - a little something on completing your game with approaching women.

It took a hellish 4+10+1 hour flight to get to Mykonos, one of the Greek islands... But now I'm here and LOVIN' IT! I'll be uploading some pictures for you from time to time, and I may even toss up a video podcast while I'm here...

If you're going to be in Santorini or Crete or Athens over the next 10 days, let me know and I'll tell you where to meet me for a drink...!

Stay Alpha and I'll talk to you soon...

- Carlos

Your Social Status = Depression?

2008-05-06T05:56:00.001-07:00

Here's an interesting lecture that a fellow Alpha Brother sent in. It details the correlation between depression and being low on the social totem pole.

It can get a little long and detailed in parts, but it's very refreshing and interesting to hear how social status impacts a person's life.

Go here:

http://www.tvo.org/podcasts/bestlecturer/audio/BL08_Finalist_MarcFournier_031508.mp3

Are you worried about those "pickup artists?"

2008-05-04T09:55:00.001-07:00

Hi Carlos

With the seduction community growing so fast and all it makes me a bit insecure.

Will a woman in a happy relationship cheat?

With all the stories how guys seduces women in relationships it just seems to me that most women can easily become the victim of a seducer?!

Thanks
______________________
CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

I hear you... A lot of guys are worried that NO ONE is capable of being monogamous or faithful anymore.

Well, the truth is that if you setup the expectations and the ground rules in the right way at the start, you don't have to worry about this.

You see, the real problem is our need to CLING so tightly to one person as being our "one and only." That's a dangerous place to put yourself because it speaks more to our insecurities than anything else.

One thing I've noticed about ALL great Alpha Men and their attitude is that NONE of them are particularly concerned about their significant other cheating on them. Primarily because they know they would have NO problem getting another person to replace them.

I've always felt this way, too.

So when you start off with a "fear focus" like this, you immediately put yourself in a position where the problem isn't what might happen - it's how your mind is already starting to look at it.

This is a very DEEP inner game concept that EVERY man needs to understand.

But as far as this whole "pickup" and seduction thing goes...

NO. You don't have anything to worry about.

Why?

A) Most of the guys are learning scripts and routines with no soul. They have no real
ability.

B) Not all women are dumb, drunk, and stuck in a bar at 2:00 AM. Unfortunately,
this is what most of the real "pickup" centered stuff works in.

C) Very few guys really want to learn how to be Rico Suaves and
"Pickup artists." Most guys want just one good woman.

D) Quality women are smart enough to sense your character and TRUE
Alpha Power. They are not suckered in by hollow acts and mind
games.

Remember, I teach guys how to get QUALITY women.

Not prey on bar-skank.

Instead of worrying about what some other guy with seduction ability will do to you, why not get out there and seduce your own woman, and then keep seducing her for years to come?

THAT is how you keep a woman from straying. Just give her what she wants!

If you'd like to know how to be the kind of man that the quality women want
and don't cheat on, you need to learn the Secrets of Alpha Attitude.

Another guy that just doesn't get it...

2008-05-02T21:18:00.001-07:00

I got this interesting email from a reader recently:
______________________
Carlos you are a social nerd. your words are the social downfall of men. knowing this stuff takes experience not book smarts.
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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Okay, now if you lived in this guy's world, you'd be the one asking HOW to get experience and some skills under your belt, and he'd tell you, "Oh, just go out and get experience..."

You ever get experience driving a car without someone who taught you HOW it worked first?

Yeah, it would be like something out of Grand Theft Auto. Body counts higher than the Vietnam War.

Social nerd?

DAMN STRAIGHT, cochese!

I'm a nerd tearing this shit apart so you guys can get the a-ha moments BEFORE you wind up social chaos. The fact of the matter is that when someone tells you to just go DO IT without being able to teach you some basic skills, he's just copping out on his own ability to help his fellow man.

Sink or swim, he laughs as he walks away from the pool you're madly paddling to stay afloat in.

How motivated is a guy to go out and get experience when he has trouble staying above water?

Yeah, uh, not very.

Look, the bottom line is that I HELP men. And I always tell you to take the learning you get from me and put it to use right away.

And if you don't believe I help guys in the best way possible...
Go look here: Read the Wall of Belief

How To Stay Sane In The Crazy World of Love

2008-04-30T07:53:00.001-07:00

I got this article from a student who wanted me to share his story with you. It's important to read because of the implications it may hold for your life.

We don't often think about just how damaging certain influences can be until the damage is done.

Thanks to Buddy for his story...

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The Authentic Life
By : BuddyLove

I was plagued with bi-polar disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ( OCD ) for many years . There is no 'one' cause for these two disorders.

In my case however, I am certain that I know at least one of the causes.

By the way, I have never taken any medication or see a doctor/psychiatrist to this day for my previous conditions.

I didn't seek professional help when I was going through those experiences because I didn't know that they were disorders that can be treated ( or at least brought under control )

Through trial and error ( and some information here and there ), I got myself out of it and can say confidently today that 'I' have gain mastery over these conditions.

I did not get these two disorders simultaneously.

I was a VERY committed evangelical/charismatic christian. My zeal, passion and commitment was equal to none.

I am not anti-christian. I am fully aware of its benefits and I respect anyone who is a christian or followers of buddha, judaism or you simply follow the hawk.

But I am also fully aware of certain doctrines ( teachings ) and practices in Christianity that could be harmful to psychological, emotional and finally physical health.

Ok, one of the benefits of christianity is that it provides a certain amount of comfort and group support in troubled times.

But one of the most psychologically and emotionally damaging doctrines of christianity is its system of rewards and punishments. Yes, I am aware of the teachings of grace, mercy and forgiveness.

Nevertheless, to a young and inexperienced mind the system of rewards and punishments are too much too handle. It is sometimes too much for adults as well. Granted, sometimes doctrines in themselves can be misinterpreted by the inexperienced and the unskilled.

In the area of practice, the most potentially damaging 'activity' that a person can engage in is in the so-called ' letting go and flow in the spirit '.

If you are/was in the charismatic/pentecostal tradition you would know what I mean.

In this practice, christians are encouraged to let go of their minds and emotions and allow the holy spirit to 'lead' them. Which quite often means ' speaking in tongues ' and allowing the emotions and imagination to run wild.

This is a recipe for disaster in the long run. As I have discovered.

Herein lies one of the major cause if not the only cause of my previous bipolar/OCD.

Bipolar/OCD that is religiously inspired is that much more potent and deep because we all know that NOTHING in the entire universe can fire up the mind and the emotions as religious convictions can.

For 2 to 3 years of my new and exciting christian life all was good. The church members showed lots of love to me.

Then, reality kicks in. The hype of religious, psychological and emotional mania begins to show some cracks. It wasn't sustainable. It can't be.

I began to have 'sinful thoughts' and committed some 'sins'. It was psychologically and emotionally torturing me as I kept on compulsively asking forgiveness from god.

In due time I fell into depression.

Then I would get 'recharged' back in the church and ' fall from grace again ' .

It was a vicious cycle. I could not maintain the pace. And finally the superstructure of religious activities and zeal that I have built over the few short year crumbles.

I was in deep depression. I was suicidal. The only thing that kept me alive was the fear of ending my life.

Then I began to find myself becoming obsessive and compulsive over the smallest issues that others would find negligible.

I would need to make sure all the electricity appliances in my room and house were properly switched off when I need to go out. I felt the compulsion to check and re-check ( many times over ) that all was in place.

I do that with regards to my car lights, the door to my house, to whether I have parked my car correctly and perfectly in the center of a parking space AND MANY MORE.

It was absolutely CRAZY. I KNEW I was excessive. But there was a COMPULSION in me that goes beyond logic and good sense.

It was like being torn in many directions in me. One direction wants me to be normal like everyone else and have a life. And the compulsive-perfectionist direction would seek to overpower me and stop me in my tracks so that I would attend to the smallest detail so that it would be ' perfect '.

Then the crucial turnaround came when I noticed that non-religious people around me and a far can or is living a happy and a fulfilled life ' without god '. I saw that life does not necessarily need to be TOTALLY defined by a religion.

I was at once curious and hopeful. I searched, inquired and explored. I was as it were plunging into the depths of the foundations of human experience once more but this time with some glimpses of hope to search out the life line that could pull me out of this rut.

I was opened to reading anything on personal development, philosophy, hypnotism or whatever.
I experimented with meditations, physical exercises and other popular techniques in the market.

This was also the period that I stumbled into Carlos Xuma's website and his system of personal development which of course is tailored quite specifically for making yourself more attractive to women.
Having said that, I discovered that certain principles in Carlos' system is applicable for general living whether it be in business, family or neutral social interactions.

One particular principle or idea in his system is to cultivate an Alpha Man Lifestyle. Its a LIFESTYLE. Its not just about learning some techniques to get by on a weekend outing.

When it is a lifestyle then change have to happen at a deeper and more fundamental level.
He teaches the mindset of the Alpha Man. ( ...try out his program )

Through applying some of Carlos' ideas, ideas from other experts and some from myself I have not only see myself gradually coming out of deep depression but have been seeing some successes in terms of attracting women also.

Through a decade of intense and devastating internal turmoil and having come out of it, I have come to recognize and know ( not at an intellectual level ) the foundations of human happiness and fulfillment ( It is not women ).

Day by day and moment by moment my foundations are getting more certain and solid.

When you realize what this foundation is all about, you will also be able to lead a fulfilled life of YOUR choice. ( women's mood swings will look like peanuts then ).

You will NATURALLY be alpha not only in terms of your social life but life in general.
You will not only be attractive but also magnetic because there is a presence about you.

I have begun to see what this presence can do to the people around me. Sometimes I am not even aware of it. Coincidently ( or not ), this is THE element that make authentic politicians, movie stars, industry leaders influential in what they do.

When you have this, it doesn't matter what techniques you choose to use ( or non at all ) as far as dating life is concerned.

Women will sense intuitively a solidity and authenticity about you.

This is the secret of the so-called naturals who attract women naturally.

Article on Gary Coleman...

2008-04-29T08:20:00.001-07:00

So I got this link from a fellow Alpha Brother out there, and I thought I'd share the article with you.

Read this and my comments:

Newlywed Gary Coleman brings marital woes to `Divorce Court'
By SANDY COHEN, AP Entertainment Writer

The honeymoon is over for Gary Coleman and his new bride.

The 40-year-old actor and his 22-year-old wife, Shannon Price, are set to appear on TV's "Divorce Court" on May 1 and 2. The couple wed in August after meeting on the set of the 2006 comedy "Church Ball."

Among the problems the pair discusses with Judge Lynn Toler are Coleman's anger and intimacy issues. Coleman and Price agree they have "ugly" monthly fights.

"If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a five-year-old does," Price says, according to a transcript of the show obtained by The Associated Press. "He like stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too."

Coleman says he gets frustrated because "the male is always the bad guy."

"When I try to state my case or explain things to her or try to get her to understand my point of view," Coleman says, "my point of view doesn't matter."

Price also complains that Coleman has no friends and inexplicably disappears from home in the middle of the night. When Toler presses him, Coleman admits he is negative.

"I don't have any friends and don't have any intention of making any," he says. "People will stab you in the back, mistreat you, talk about me behind your back, steal from you. And they're not really your friends. (They're) only there because you're a celebrity or because they want to get something from you."

Coleman went on to describe the couple's private life as "mediocre."

"It's not her fault," he says. "I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders every day I get up. ... There are days I don't even want to get up."
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CARLOS XUMA COMMENTS:

Well, Gary, you whiney little bitch, it's time to wake up and get back in the game of life.

No woman wants a negative, bratty, whiney, selfish, loner of a guy.

Gee, I just can't imagine why...

Can you?

Go figure.

The lesson is simple: You can live your life as a pissy little recluse of a (cough) man, crying about how everyone's out to get you, or you can grow a pair of testicles on your body and get back in your no-career life and just add something to the fabric of the world instead of living off the royalties of a lame television show from the 70's and 80's.

Sorry, man. Not much pity here for you.

Life's a bitch, and then you go to the bank and cash a check for doing next to nothing. After 40 years, you still have a lot of growing up to do.

Give to the world, and stop hoping that everyone else will coddle your petty insecurities.

As Winston Churchill said:

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Do you ever feel DESPERATE for a woman?

2008-04-26T11:37:00.001-07:00

Hey Carlos! My name is Kyle, I really appreciate your advice from the newsletter. The thing that has helped me the most is the tips on how to change your frame of mind when talking to women, for me this means thinking about how I feel so excited when driving or fixing my car.

My question to you is, How can I get my ex from just a few months ago, back into my life, and incorporate some changes, that will keep her with me longer? It was the best relationship I've ever had, and I knew from the get go that she was the one. However, she couldn't commit to an actual relationship because she still had pent up trust issues from her first ex who beat her a few times. It was almost like she was using me as a rebound, or just a sex buddy.

I must tell you that this all happened before I learned about your awesome techniques. Can you please help me? I'm desperate, not with her, but just on how to make this happen.
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CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS:

Well, here's an important distinction for you that you must put into the front of your head:

ANY desperation will turn you off as a prospect with a woman.

If you think or feel that a particular situation or woman is URGENT in any way, you're likely to fall into this trap with a woman.

Let me repeat myself at the risk of losing you: ANY desperation in your life - for a woman, for an outcome, for a "how to make it happen," is going to give you a very uncomfortable vibe.

A man who is reaching for his goals and moving towards them does not seem desperate.

Next topic you need to consider is this:

Do you really - I mean REALLY - want a woman with trust issues from abuse?

Come on, man. Set a higher standard for yourself.

You're seeing that this was the best relationship you ever had - until now!

There's always a better experience up ahead. Stop settling for the past experiences that are over.

You're clinging to an old feeling that is over and you can't get it back.

What you do is this:

Go out and meet 10 new women. Give your ex a break while you clear out your unhealthy obsession.

If you still want her after you've dated 10 quality women, then you probably won't need to find her by this point. She'll have found you.

I highly recommend you take care of your confidence and inner game as soon as possible. Most guys spend all their time looking for the "magic bullet" pickup line or some other crap, instead of building themselves up into one magnificent example of a man.

Click here to learn how you do this...