HOW TO HANDLE FEAR
I hope you'll bear with me, because this is one of the most emotional and
exhausting letters I've written to you in some time, but it's message is so
important I couldn't wait.
I got this email the other day, and I thought it warranted some attention
and observation, because I think it indicates one of - if not THE most challenging
obstacles to a man's growth with women.
Please read his letter first, and then I'll comment:
I have been beating myself up over a situation recently at work. Well, I have
been working with this girl from my job for about 3 months now, and I have
been busting her balls consistently and not taking any of her sh*t. She has
been interested in me for the longest time, and has showed the most interest
the past several days than any other time before
(I have heard from friends that she wishes I would ask her out and she is
in love with me and all that).
I feel as if she has waited so long for me to express interest back that
since I havent expressed interest after those several days that I feel like
I just cant seem to get up the courage to ask her to come join me for some
fun or even her number (fear of progressing)! Today, I came back from work
beating myself up for not progressing.
I am pissed off Carlos, can you please help me out man?
Okay, so what I hear is something that I think a LOT of guys can
Let's start first by putting this in perspective. You're doing really good
work just by busting her chops and teasing her the right way.
Most guys won't go this far in fear of "scaring her off" or "offending
her." They don't realize that what women want most is a guy that can
come from a place of power.
Some guys out there call this a "dominant frame."
Whatever. You don't need terminology. You need a solution.
After you've managed to tease her a little and get a little cocky... what
You've gotten her interested and VERY attracted to you, which is
the goal most guys dream about.
But how do you continue? How do you keep going from here?
This has to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks a guy can run into. It's
caused by something so simple, yet so unbelievably powerful, you can understand
why some guys never break free of its
There are two things going on here that will cripple your ability to progress:
1) You are afraid of failure.
2) You are afraid of success.
That's a pretty big revelation.
I'm going to reveal one of the biggest motivational secrets here, and if
you can unlock this psychological mechanism correctly, you're going to see
a very new landscape in front of you.
Most guys run around with this dual fear of success and failure pressing
on them from both sides. It's a potent one, and inescapable if you cannot
see it for what it is.
It's like someone holding up a coin and saying to you as they flip it: "Heads
I win, tails you lose!"
How much would you bet on that toss?
Of COURSE it's hard to move forward when you're going to
ways (in your head, anyway.) You won't even play the game.
Yet that's what countless guys are doing day after day when they find themselves
confronted with the situation that this reader is experiencing.
First of all, most guys fear putting themselves up for judgment in
front of a woman. This is commonly called the "approach." Those
do-or-die 60 seconds of sheer terror where most guys find that running naked
through a minefield in downtown Baghdad is preferable to walking up to a
woman and saying "hello."
They fear that if the woman is not interested in them, this translates into
their worth as a man. Most guys put a lot of stock in what women think of
them, so the thought of getting turned down after you put your ego out there
on the line is more than most can bear.
We fear being turned down when our self-confidence is not strong enough to
handle this kind of rejection.
Geez, even this guy can't move forward when he KNOWS she
And I'm not belittling his experience ONE BIT because I've BEEN
THERE. I know what it's like to sit in that torture of knowing
you HAVE to act, but you just can't find a way to DO
Now, the second kind of fear is the one that his letter references
The Fear of Success.
When you can overcome your fear of taking action because of possible rejection,
most guys then fall victim to the next fear of - WHAT THE HECK DO
I DO NOW?
What if - gasp - I get what I WANT?
The other side of your self-esteem now shows itself as you have to DELIVER on
those clever cocky and funny lines you were using to get her all excited and
What we want to know is, even if we get past the fear of talking to a woman
and getting things started, what happens in that incredibly uncertain place
Because then you're going to be on the stage in front of her. You'll have
to really show yourself to her and explore this unknown and uncharted land
called "Move Forward."
Uh-oh. Now what?
Not many people would believe you if you told them that most of the guys
out there have a BIG fear of success. It's actually one of
the strongest forces holding so many creative and capable people away from
This is what you are seeing when someone you know who has REAL talent refuses
to show it to others or they won't go after their dream.
"I'm too old to start writing that book..."
"I'd like to play in a band, but I've got responsibilities at
"I'd like to finish that degree, but I'm doing fine right now
without it. Besides, I don't have any time..."
"I'd like to go talk to her, but she's probably a bitch anyway...."
or "I'd like to talk to her, but she's not really my type..."
Let's face facts and call it what it is.
We tell ourselves what we can to avoid CHANGE and avoid
the possible disruption that this change might cause, and then we rationalize
it by telling stories to make ourselves feel better.
And then that fear of success turns into a fear of the NEXT rejection
Wow, what a vicious circle. Let's break out of it.
Stop listening to the Loserboy in your head. He's the voice of a thousand
IMAGINED scenarios that never came to pass.
"It's easier not to go after your big dreams, isn't it?" Loserboy
whispers in the back of your head in a silky smooth voice. "You don't
want to have to deal with all the headaches of that, do you? It's easier when
you're one of the crowd. No one has big expectations, and you get to live
your life without any hassles."
And without any adventure or glory, either. Or the woman of your dreams.
Do you want to know how I conquered this paralyzing fear?
I started by re-framing my experience as something COMPLETELY
I remembered the words of Helen Keller: "Life is a great adventure
... or nothing."
I really thought about that, and then I remembered this line I heard in a
movie that finally kicked my butt off the couch and into gear:
"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."
That's an eye-opener . Think about that one for a minute, please.
Then I went through a little mind exercise that I call the
"Whammy." It goes like this:
I imagined myself as an old man sitting in my wheelchair in the old folks
home. I really imagined this scene so vividly I could even smell the disinfectant
they used on the gray linoleum tile of the hallway as I rolled along to the
TV room where I could eat my daily cup of pudding.
And I sat there looking back on my life, wondering if there was anything
I had done that I regretted.
But I sure regretted a lot of things I DIDN'T do. I could
feel that horrible sinking sensation in my gut when I thought about all the
opportunities I passed up, mostly because of fear. What I wouldn't GIVE for
a second chance to go back and do it again ...
Here I am. I got my wish! Now I CAN go do them before it's
Now, in reality, I have no intention of spending my last days looking back
like that, but it could turn out this way. I might not get the opportunity
to save the planet by blowing up an asteroid or something, or die in glorious
combat in the Coliseum. I might end up in a "retirement community" somewhere.
So be it. I just don't want to give up living life, or have to settle for
living on old memories of what was.
And when the end draws near, I don't want to look back on a long list of
things I COULD have done but talked myself out of.
I had to change the meaning of these events in such a DRASTIC and RADICAL way
that I found the motivation to ACT. It literally had to be
such a POWERFUL experience that I would not be able to look
back again and continue the same path.
I had to act NOW.
Whatever your Whammy is, you must find it. Even if that means you strap electrodes
to your balls and administer shocks until you do what you must. (Although,
you may want to try a few other things first.)
You want the most brutal Whammy of all?
Go visit the oncology (cancer) ward of a major hospital. Talk to the terminally
ill patients. Get a little perspective on what they think of your problem
In fact, everything in life can be reviewed like this: Is this something
I would feel stupid telling to someone that's dying?
If so, then it's pretty Small Stuff, amigo.
But, when the day-to-day gets hold of us again, we tend to fall back into
the same routine. We forget what motivated us. We can't run around every day
with the fear of our own mortality in our mind to push us ...
... until the next time when you're presented with something you know you
WANT to do, but you can't seem to find the power or courage to DO.
The best way to live your life the way you want is to BECOME the
man you want. So that you feel that this kind of success is not only something
you can HAVE, but that you DESERVE. Your
sense of self-esteem will only allow you to go so far before it will start
to pull the rug out from under you.
You are what you emotionally think about all day long.
And I'd like to show you how to re-create that mental/emotional image of
yourself - the way to turn your life in the direction that YOU want. I've
got a program that will put you on the path to becoming that Man, with other
exercises and ACTION plans like this one.
In the Secrets of the Alpha Man, I cover how to understand your self-image
so completely that this sort of fear limitation will not trap you again. It's
really had a life-changing effect on a lot of guys, and I want to share it
In fact, this program is everything I used to get myself where I wanted to
be, and now I want to pass it on to you.
Have a look at it here:
Confidence with women; confidence with LIFE.
I'll be back with more advice soon ...
PS: Remember what I said above ? That it's easy to let the day-to-day get
back in your head and distract you from the important things in life? You
might close this email and put it in a folder, maybe even promising yourself
you'll do something about it ... soon.
Don't give yourself an out. Don't let this moment turn into another where
you didn't go after what you wanted from life. Do it NOW.
"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."
Secrets of the Alpha Man - What Women
Want - How to meet women and attract women by being yourself!