KEEP HER OFF BALANCE
CARLOS XUMA - Dating
I'm not a fan of "manipulation" or "head games" in relationships
or the whole singles scene. (For those of you who've read the
e-book, I explain how using strategies can be thought of as manipulative,
but it really isn't.)
One tactic that I think is important early in the meeting process with a woman
is to ensure that you do not instill in her a sense of false security and
Women are used to having the upper hand in all things having to do with relationships.
I don't believe they do this maliciously, but it is a power and control issue
with all dating situations.
I'm going to propose something very controversial, but I believe works out
the best for everyone in the end:
Keep her off balance.
What I mean by this is that you do not want any woman feeling too secure or
cocky about how you feel about her or the hold she's got on you.
This goes back to a key principle of human behavior: The things you are most
attracted to are the ones that you are not certain about. Uncertainty breeds
an incredible gratitude for the times when you're rewarded.
Training for the more intelligent animals (dolphins) is done by what is known
as intermittent reinforcement. This means that once a behavior is trained,
you will get more consistency by only rewarding an animal at irregular intervals
- not every time. This has been proven time and time again in tests, and it's
just as true for men and women.
You've probably experienced this in your own life. Have you ever had a woman
who was inconsistent - or hot-and-cold - with her sexual interest? You never
knew if you were going to get some. When you did, you felt the reward, but
the other times when you didn't you were being trained because you were more
likely to work for the POSSIBILITY of sex the next time.
Perhaps work even harder.
If she wants a kiss, give her one, but not when she asks for it. Then, when
she leans in for a kiss, you hold her off - nicely. "Whoah, there. Are
you trying to take advantage of me?"
Another way to keep her on her
toes is to always be ready to say something controversial. Then, a few seconds
later, appear to say something to contradict it. (Be sure to never change
your opinion to match a woman's. A far better tactic is to take an area
where she agrees with you and change your mind on her.)
If you are talking to her, and she goes to the bathroom, disappear on her
before she comes back, then walk over to her a few seconds later.
Inconsistency is the key to driving her desire up. Consistency only sends
messages to her subconscious that you are a man she could RELY on,
but that doesn't make her LUST after you.
You can use an analogy of rides at an amusement park:
Consistency is the Ferris wheel. Ho hum. Boring. You go up, and around, and
back down ... and up....
Nothing fast. Nothing unknown. Just a tall view and look around the area.
Nice, but NO thrills.
Inconsistency - Surprise, danger, thrills - are found on the ROLLERCOASTER.
Get her in the front car and start her heart racing with the unknown.
You have to get her on the right ride if you want to get where you want to
Keep her off balance, so she doesn't know what's coming.
First of all, I think some ground rules are implicit in this article overall,
which I'd like to cover with you again:
1) I'm going to tell you the Truth. And that's whether
or not you like it, or agree with it. The only thing that matters in
the world of dating and seduction is GETTING RESULTS. (As long as no
one is harmed in the process.) I'm not going to fill your heads with
the lies that Hollywood and prime-time television perpetuate. If you
want to live in the illusion that makes you feel good, but keeps you
from getting success with women, go ahead. Have a blast being unsuccessful.
Sarcasm aside, I know you want more and want to know how to do better.
2) My replies are sometimes obnoxious, but so is the dating
world. Get used to it. I'm having fun with you guys the way I expect you would
with women. If you can't take a little good natured ball-busting here, the
singles world will eat you alive. Grow a thicker skin. I have made (and still
make) all the same screw ups, and I only wish I'd had somebody to give me the
straight shooting advice early on.
(Kinda like that intense Drill Instructor from "Full Metal Jacket," only
not so harsh.)
3) This newsletter and the topics I write about are for
the early stages of dating. 0-90 days or so. There are some strategies that
I believe are valid throughout your dating life, but most are especially
applicable during the early part, where you are laying the groundwork for
a POSSIBLE dating relationship. If you don't establish respect during this
time period, you never will. And then you'll be sending me pitiful emails
asking how to "put the spice back in our love life" and other queasy
tales of suffering.
Save yourself the pain of therapy
later on by never letting it get out of your control in the first place.
With that in mind, I got the following question:
Wouldn't that attitude of keeping her off balance ruin a marriage and put
a lot of distrust in it ?
After all it would be hindering
her feelings of security.
Well, first off, this is "Dating Dynamics," not "Marriage Dynamics." I've
said countless times that you must use different strategies in the early days
of dating than you do later on.
And, let's keep in mind that I'm not talking about constantly undermining
trust. I'm not talking about acting sneaky or deceitful.
I'm talking about introducing an element of UNPREDICTABILITY.
Life is very predictable, almost boring in its regularity and consistency.
Women don't thrive on the ordinary and usual - they enjoy the dramatic and
thrilling. (Think: Soap operas, "The Bachelor," andy 'reality' TV
Everybody does. Why do you think we get so excited to rubberneck at an accident?
Or how we all gravitate to talk about the lurid crimes of passion in the news?
We need this drama to inject some excitement in what is a VERY predictable
We're born. We go to school. We work. We pay taxes. We die.
Day to day, you pretty much know what's going to happen. We all wait for the
possibility of the UNKNOWN. While there's always the possibility
that anything COULD happen, it rarely does. (*)
Let's talk about security for a minute.
What is "security"?
Do human beings really thrive and grow in "security"? No. We want
security as part of a relationship so that we can:
1) Feel protected
2) Feel able to open up and share more intimacy
These "security" requirements are only necessary in a long-term
or exclusive relationship. And you can't possibly get to that stage without
a certain amount of excitement and energy that only UNpredictability gives
you. You can't get to this point without igniting the fuse of her PASSION.
PASSION and PREDICTABILITY are
on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
If you try to make a woman feel too secure too fast, you ruin everything that
she wants to feel when it comes to the excitement and unpredictability. When
you give a woman too much "security" early on, what you're telling
her at a subconscious level is that there is nothing interesting or unpredictable
about you. A woman needs to feel inspired to start feeling attraction for
It's like the starter motor on a car. When you turn the key, this little motor
spins your engine quickly in a short period of time so that it can get to
the point of firing up the cylinders on its own and start cranking under the
power of burning fuel and oxygen.
Without that initial burst of
energy, the engine would never get going. The same thing applies to women.
One of the biggest illusions about women and dating (and sex) is that women
need to feel secure with a man before she will date him or sleep with him.
How many times have you seen women sleeping with the guys who were bad-boys?
How many women have you known who have had one-night-stands? (More than you
think, and more than admit it.)
How many times have you seen a woman take in a deadbeat slacker without a
job, who sleeps on her couch while she goes off to work? (It's not an epidemic,
but it does happen quite a bit.)
How many times have you heard a woman complain: "I just don't know why
I love him ... he's so unstable and wild ... He's unpredictable. He's not
the kind of guy I would marry..."
But he's the kind of guy she would sleep with. Funny, huh?
" Sexy" and "Security" are almost never spoken in the same
sentence. They evoke totally different feelings in a woman. You'll never hear
her say: "Wow! He's so stable and reliable! I feel so secure and he totally TURNS me ON!"
When she's ready to settle down, she'll do that with a man who is predictable
and ... well, a little boring in certain ways. When she's ready to start a
family, she wants that long-term security. That boredom is a signal to her
primitive mind that this guy will be a provider and stick around. It's in
her genetic imprint.
It's my firm belief that you can start a relationship off with a woman in
one of two ways. Think of this as a fork in the road you come to when you
meet a woman. There's a sign and an arrow pointing down each path, and here's
what each sign says:
Path to the Right - "Start off by
getting her excited and thrilled. You turn her on with
humor and teasing. She gets frustrated at times, but always
stimulated. You're different than the other 50 guys who
came on to her with no personality or challenge. Her attraction
drive is engaged and she falls for you. You get to have
sex, love, marriage -- whatever you want."
Path to the Left - "Start off by
being a 'nice guy.' She sees you as another man who can't
excite her by being a vibrant personality - sexually charged
- and instead she begins to see you as a 'friend.' All
because you couldn't get her excited enough to engage her
attraction for you. You wind up wanting her romantically,
and she ends up telling you she wants to 'just be friends.'
You get neither sex nor the relationship."Think about
it again, guys. What do you want? The way it SHOULD BE,
or the way it ACTUALLY IS?
Yeah, we all SHOULD BE getting laid all the time, by any woman we treat nicely
and give flowers to, but it rarely happens that way. We SHOULD BE able to
make a woman feel "secure" and she'll just jump us in a heartbeat.
BUT ... it doesn't really work that way. So, while you weep and lament about
that for a while, I think we should recognize that it's okay to not give a
woman all the security she wants up front when it ALWAYS works out better
in the long run to give her what she really NEEDS and responds to.
We're humans, with intelligent control of our emotions, but so few of us actually
are ever able to get that control. Don't fall under the illusion that we respond
emotionally to logic and reason. We don't respond to things because we SHOULD.
I may not have gone into much more detail on the strategy of keeping her a
little off balance, but I think it was important to explain the reasons why,
and so that we can start to get rid of that monkey on our backs, the one that
tells us that if we don't cater to a woman's every whim and need (i.e., "security," "romance.")
In the early stages with a woman, SECURITY = BORING.
Security comes later.
(* And for those of you who think
I'm being gloomy about life being too predictable, that's not my point.
Ultimately, it is YOU who must make life interesting. YOU inject the action
each day that will either make your life a great adventure ... or nothing
at all. Don't wait for life to BE interesting. MAKE IT interesting.)