Here are some classic first "date" mistakes - and how to fix them...
Before asking you the questions, I have to describe a bit how I see myself : before turning 25, I was what must be called a "sissy guy" : afraid of everything, never speak up, shy, "too nice" with women,... At 23 began a 2 years of unemployement (due mainly to a reserved personality), I have strongly reacted, and changed the way I was seeing myself and the world radically, nearly overnight - the trigger was a small self-help book. I was more optimistic, the fears disappeared, I was willing to do mistakes in order to progress...
Results : 3 months later I was moving to Germany, to my newly found job. Now, this personality change did not last more than a few months : less than one year later, I was back to a lesser version of myself, still better than before, but just a part of what I could be. This "burst" of confidence came a few more times, each time with real results, but never lasted more than 2-3 months. I call now these moments "Alpha Moments" (term inspired from your books) since they seem to fit your description of the Alpha Man.
I just come back from a first date with one of the girls met on Thursday (we are on Sunday), and I had a mild result : a kiss, but not really a passionate kiss. I have the feeling that this woman is afraid of something - maybe she was burned in a previous relationship, or maybe I have made a big mistake. In addition to that, the date did not run as expected, since I have made several mistakes :
- the place I wanted to take her to was closed, and I did not have a back-up plan. Bad planning from my side
- I have improvised and found a nice bar in the neighbourhood. But it was a "bar date", followed by a "restaurant date", therefore not as funny as it could be.
- Conversation was not optimal: we have spoken about "classic" things, such as family, work,... We have also spoken about her problems (well, she spoke and I listened). Conversation eventually died out.
- the date was too long : 4 hours - and I have paid for everything, including a meal. She has really not a lot of money, so it was OK from my side, but I cannot help feeling a bit used.
Despite all my mistakes, I was partly sucessful with the first kiss - it just lacked passion, and I am annoyed by that.
So my question is : is there a way to salvage the situation, or is it a lost cause ?I thank you in advance for the time you will be willing to spend on my letter.
With best regards,S.D.
Wow, you guys know how to fill up an email. I had to cut out a few of this reader's questions because it was just too long. (Keep it short, guys. No one wants to read a manifesto.)
Great job on improving your attitude and lifestyle with my materials. You're understanding some of the core attitude and inner game elements. Now it seems that you probably need to do a bit of reviewing, though, so we can get your techniques for handling women on track.
Yes, there are quite a few errors made here, but nothing you couldn't have corrected along the way.
Let's review it....
1) Yes, you realized your error in not having a backup location in case of a change in plans. An Alpha Man has several backups to ensure that he looks competent and intelligent. Line up at least 3 or 4 restaurants, and KNOW THEIR SCHEDULE. Easily fixed.
2) Improvisation is the essential skill of the Alpha Man. There's nothing wrong with a "bar date" followed by a restaurant date. In fact, you should always start this way. I do. That way if the woman is not sufficiently entertaining and interesting, I can end it there with no further obligation. I only take a woman to dinner who has demonstrated that she is interesting and fun to be with.
Look, guys, you need to be screening women OUT, not desperately trying to get her into bed. I've turned down more women than I've approved of. This is a critical attitude difference between the average guy and the Alpha Man.
3) The conversation is up to YOU.
YOU decide what you want to talk about, and you ask questions related to that. (I think you need my Alpha Conversation & Persuasion more than you think!)
Conversation doesn't "die out." You just lose your mojo and let it die out. A conversation is like a fire. You control it with how much kindling you use. When it starts to die, you stoke it and add more wood. SHE is the fireplace, and you are the guy helping things along.
Don't talk about her problems! Oy! That's the worst thing to focus on. I think it probably went negative because you let that thread of conversation keep going. I did this once in my past, letting a woman ramble on and on about how her life wasn't going so well, instead of showing her just how f*ing fantastic it would be with ME in it.
See the difference?
4) 4 Hours? Holy crap. The first time you meet a woman, I want you to remember one thing: LEAVE HER WANTING MORE!
It's human nature to not want something that we're overwhelmed with, and you overwhelmed her.
You say you feel used? Uh, that's because you WERE used. You just got suckered on the path that millions of guys do every day - paying for the "date."
Why would you want to bet a wad of money on a woman that has not demonstrated herself to be an asset to you and your life? Stop setting up "dates" and start scheduling meet-ups with women that give you a chance to find out about each other, not impress her with your ability to spend money.
Don't get me wrong - when I've got a woman in my life that I love and appreciate, I will have no problem paying for things for her. But I'm not going to do that until she's already ponied up a little effort of her own to impress me.
Now, the kiss was simply her way of saying, "I'll do this and not have to see this guy ever again if I want to." Maybe it sounds mercenary, but many women have no problem dealing with the after-date-kiss as their repayment for your generosity. He paid for dinner; she pays with a kiss. And she doesn't have to deal with the awkward task of telling you that you just didn't light her fire.
Live and learn!
Move on, and do the next one right. You've just learned several valuable lessons that you can now correct and improve with the next women you meet. Don't waste this learning!
Remember the saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"
And if you'd like to learn how to keep conversation going, know exactly what to talk about, and even how to revive a failing conversation, you need to learn Alpha Conversation & Persuasion techniques. Find out more HERE...