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KEEP HER OFF BALANCE
I'm not a fan of "manipulation" or "head games" in relationships or the
whole singles scene. (For those of you who've read the e-book, I
explain how using strategies can be thought of as manipulative, but it
really isn't.)
One tactic that I think is important early in the meeting process with
a woman is to ensure that you do not instill in her a sense of false
security and stability.
Women are used to having the upper hand in all things having to do with
relationships. I don't believe they do this maliciously, but it is a
power and control issue with all dating situations.
I'm going to propose something very controversial, but I believe works
out the best for everyone in the end:
Keep her off balance.
What I mean by this is that you do not want any woman feeling too
secure or cocky about how you feel about her or the hold she's got on
you.
This goes back to a key principle of human behavior: The things you are
most attracted to are the ones that you are not certain about.
Uncertainty breeds an incredible gratitude for the times when you're
rewarded.
Training for the more intelligent animals (dolphins) is done by what is
known as intermittent reinforcement. This means that once a behavior is
trained, you will get more consistency by only rewarding an animal at
irregular intervals - not every time. This has been proven time and
time again in tests, and it's just as true for men and women.
You've probably experienced this in your own life. Have you ever had a
woman who was inconsistent - or hot-and-cold - with her sexual
interest? You never knew if you were going to get some. When you did,
you felt the reward, but the other times when you didn't you were being
trained because you were more likely to work for the POSSIBILITY of sex
the next time. Perhaps work even harder.
If she wants a kiss, give her one, but not when she asks for it. Then,
when she leans in for a kiss, you hold her off - nicely. "Whoah, there.
Are you trying to take advantage of me?"
Another way to keep her on her toes is to always be ready to say
something controversial. Then, a few seconds later, appear to say
something to contradict it. (Be sure to never change your opinion to
match a woman's. A far better tactic is to take an area where she
agrees with you and change your mind on her.)
If you are talking to her, and she goes to the bathroom, disappear on
her before she comes back, then walk over to her a few seconds later.
Inconsistency is the key to driving her desire up. Consistency only
sends messages to her subconscious that you are a man she could RELY
on, but that doesn't make her LUST after you.
You can use an analogy of rides at an amusement park:
Consistency is the Ferris wheel. Ho hum. Boring. You go up, and around,
and back down ... and up....
Nothing fast. Nothing unknown. Just a tall view and look around the
area.
Nice, but NO thrills.
Inconsistency - Surprise, danger, thrills - are found on the
ROLLERCOASTER. Get her in the front car and start her heart racing with
the unknown.
You have to get her on the right ride if you want to get where you want
to go.
Keep her off balance, so she doesn't know what's coming.
First of all, I think some ground rules are implicit in this article
overall, which I'd like to cover with you again:
1) I'm going to tell you the Truth. And that's whether or not you like
it, or agree with it. The only thing that matters in the world of
dating and seduction is GETTING RESULTS. (As long as no one is harmed
in the process.) I'm not going to fill your heads with the lies that
Hollywood and prime-time television perpetuate. If you want to live in
the illusion that makes you feel good, but keeps you from getting
success with women, go ahead. Have a blast being unsuccessful.
Sarcasm aside, I know you want more and want to know how to do better.
2) My replies are sometimes obnoxious, but so is the dating world. Get
used to it. I'm having fun with you guys the way I expect you would
with women. If you can't take a little good natured ball-busting here,
the singles world will eat you alive. Grow a thicker skin. I have made
(and still make) all the same screw ups, and I only wish I'd had
somebody to give me the straight shooting advice early on.
(Kinda like that intense Drill Instructor from "Full Metal Jacket,"
only not so harsh.)
3) This newsletter and the topics I write about are for the early
stages of dating. 0-90 days or so. There are some strategies that I
believe are valid throughout your dating life, but most are especially
applicable during the early part, where you are laying the groundwork
for a POSSIBLE dating relationship. If you don't establish respect
during this time period, you never will. And then you'll be sending me
pitiful emails asking how to "put the spice back in our love life" and
other queasy tales of suffering.
Save yourself the pain
of therapy later on by never letting it get out of your control in the
first place.
With that in mind, I got the following question:
********************
Question:
--------------------
Wouldn't that attitude of keeping her off balance ruin a marriage and
put a lot of distrust in it ?
After all it would be hindering her feelings of security.
-------------------
Well, first off, this is "Dating Dynamics," not "Marriage Dynamics."
I've said countless times that you must use different strategies in the
early days of dating than you do later on.
And, let's keep in mind that I'm not talking about constantly
undermining trust. I'm not talking about acting sneaky or deceitful.
I'm talking about introducing an element of UNPREDICTABILITY.
Life is very predictable, almost boring in its regularity and
consistency. Women don't thrive on the ordinary and usual - they enjoy
the dramatic and thrilling. (Think: Soap operas, "The Bachelor," andy
'reality' TV show, etc.)
Everybody does. Why do you think we get so excited to rubberneck at an
accident? Or how we all gravitate to talk about the lurid crimes of
passion in the news? We need this drama to inject some excitement in
what is a VERY predictable existence.
We're born. We go to school. We work. We pay taxes. We die.
Day to day, you pretty much know what's going to happen. We all wait
for the possibility of the UNKNOWN. While there's always the
possibility that anything COULD happen, it rarely does. (*)
Let's talk about security for a minute.
What is "security"?
Do human beings really thrive and grow in "security"? No. We want
security as part of a relationship so that we can:
1) Feel protected
2) Feel able to open up and share more intimacy
These "security" requirements are only necessary in a long-term or
exclusive relationship. And you can't possibly get to that stage
without a certain amount of excitement and energy that only
UNpredictability gives you. You can't get to this point without
igniting the fuse of her PASSION.
PASSION and PREDICTABILITY are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
If you try to make a woman feel too secure too fast, you ruin
everything that she wants to feel when it comes to the excitement and
unpredictability. When you give a woman too much "security" early on,
what you're telling her at a subconscious level is that there is
nothing interesting or unpredictable about you. A woman needs to feel
inspired to start feeling attraction for you.
It's like the starter motor on a car. When you turn the key, this
little motor spins your engine quickly in a short period of time so
that it can get to the point of firing up the cylinders on its own and
start cranking under the power of burning fuel and oxygen.
Without that initial
burst of energy, the engine would never get going. The same thing
applies to women.
One of the biggest illusions about women and dating (and sex) is that
women need to feel secure with a man before she will date him or sleep
with him.
NOT TRUE.
How many times have you seen women sleeping with the guys who were
bad-boys?
How many women have you known who have had one-night-stands? (More than
you think, and more than admit it.)
How many times have you seen a woman take in a deadbeat slacker without
a job, who sleeps on her couch while she goes off to work? (It's not an
epidemic, but it does happen quite a bit.)
How many times have you heard a woman complain: "I just don't know why
I love him ... he's so unstable and wild ... He's unpredictable. He's
not the kind of guy I would marry..."
But he's the kind of guy she would sleep with. Funny, huh?
" Sexy" and "Security" are almost never spoken in the same sentence.
They evoke totally different feelings in a woman. You'll never hear her
say: "Wow! He's so stable and reliable! I feel so secure and he totally
TURNS me ON!"
NOT!
When she's ready to settle down, she'll do that with a man who is
predictable and ... well, a little boring in certain ways. When she's
ready to start a family, she wants that long-term security. That
boredom is a signal to her primitive mind that this guy will be a
provider and stick around. It's in her genetic imprint.
It's my firm belief that you can start a relationship off with a woman
in one of two ways. Think of this as a fork in the road you come to
when you meet a woman. There's a sign and an arrow pointing down each
path, and here's what each sign says:
Path to the Right - "Start off
by getting her excited and thrilled. You turn her on with humor and
teasing. She gets frustrated at times, but always stimulated. You're
different than the other 50 guys who came on to her with no personality
or challenge. Her attraction drive is engaged and she falls for you.
You get to have sex, love, marriage -- whatever you want."
Path to the Left - "Start off
by being a 'nice guy.' She sees you as another man who can't excite her
by being a vibrant personality - sexually charged - and instead she
begins to see you as a 'friend.' All because you couldn't get her
excited enough to engage her attraction for you. You wind up wanting
her romantically, and she ends up telling you she wants to 'just be
friends.' You get neither sex nor the relationship."Think about it
again, guys. What do you want? The way it SHOULD BE, or the way it
ACTUALLY IS?
Yeah, we all SHOULD BE getting laid all the time, by any woman we treat
nicely and give flowers to, but it rarely happens that way. We SHOULD
BE able to make a woman feel "secure" and she'll just jump us in a
heartbeat.
BUT ... it doesn't really work that way. So, while you weep and lament
about that for a while, I think we should recognize that it's okay to
not give a woman all the security she wants up front when it ALWAYS
works out better in the long run to give her what she really NEEDS and
responds to.
We're humans, with intelligent control of our emotions, but so few of
us actually are ever able to get that control. Don't fall under the
illusion that we respond emotionally to logic and reason. We don't
respond to things because we SHOULD.
I may not have gone into much more detail on the strategy of keeping
her a little off balance, but I think it was important to explain the
reasons why, and so that we can start to get rid of that monkey on our
backs, the one that tells us that if we don't cater to a woman's every
whim and need (i.e., "security," "romance.")
In the early stages with a woman, SECURITY = BORING.
Security comes later.
Passion FIRST.
(* And for those of you
who think I'm being gloomy about life being too predictable, that's not
my point. Ultimately, it is YOU who must make life interesting. YOU
inject the action each day that will either make your life a great
adventure ... or nothing at all. Don't wait for life to BE interesting.
MAKE IT interesting.)
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